Land of Confusion

It was kind of cold. Her lightweight jacket was doing minimal to protect her from the chill. The rain outside had pounded her umbrella and jacket. This weather sucks she thought. She descended the stairs in the big gray building. She was buzzed inside.

The hum of the air conditioner could be heard as she approached the counter to sign in. “Just sign in and we’ll call you up in a minute” said the heavy set woman behind the counter. Jade smiled and signed her name.

She sat down and remembered how important it was to be respectful. She thought back to all the many conversations she had with her mother.  You must always smile her mother would tell her. A lady always smile. It’s a sign of respect to smile. You never know dear, your smile could be the only bright spot in someone’s day.

Maybe if she hadn’t smiled she wouldn’t be here today. Maybe she should have been more angry. Practiced her “I don’t give a fuck look”

Niceties. It doesn’t pay to be nice she thought. She pulled her jacket up as she began to shiver.

“Jade Matthews” the woman behind the counter called. She walked up to the counter. “Can you please fill out this paperwork and let me know if you’ll be using your insurance?” she asked. “No. I’ll be paying in cash” she responded.

Jade took the forms and went to fill them out. She thought this day would never come. This was almost too difficult to bear. She sighed.

Name. That’s easy. Jade Lauren Matthews she wrote. Age 18. Date of last menstrual cycle. January 1st. Last date you had intercourse. January 14th.

She stopped. She began reflecting how she ended up here. She was confused. Her memory was cloudy. She remembered her birthday party a couple of months ago.

Her friends threw her a big party and someone had brought alcohol. She had never drank before but it tasted so good. It didn’t taste funny like she had always assumed it would taste. It was good and sweet. She had never felt so free. She danced the night away.

Tommy approached her for a slow dance. They danced all night. Slowly. He was so handsome. So perfect. He kissed her gently on her neck. Her cheek. Her lips.

It was her first kiss. She smiled up at him. She wrapped her arms around him lovingly.

He told her that he’d always loved her. He told her that she was beautiful and smart and desired by many of her classmates both male and female. She smiled. She liked Tommy.

He grabbed her hand and led her upstairs. She could barely walk. She almost fell and he picked her up and carried her. He whispered that he would never let her fall. She smiled. She was so tired. So sleepy.

She remembered him laying her on the bed. She remembered him kissing her slowly at first and then harder. He began pulling at her clothes. Her dress was hiked up and her underwear were ripped off. She began to fight.

She was too tired. She had no strength. She said “Stop”. He ignored her. He forced himself on her. He penetrated her with no regard to the fact that she was still a virgin. That she had never had sex. He didn’t care that she wanted to save herself for marriage. He wanted Jade’s emerald box.

Tommy raped her that night. On her 18th birthday she suffered the worst sex of her life. There was blood on the sheets. A little piece of her died inside.

Her friends told her not to say anything about the rape. Tommy’s parents are well-known. It will be okay. You will get past this.

She just listened. No words. Tears streaming down her face. It hurt to walk.

Two months later she was throwing up at school. It was a couple of months before graduation. She knew she was pregnant. She gathered her things and left school to buy a pregnancy test.

Alone she sat in her bathroom. This one test would determine her fate. Remind her of the worst night of her life. She peed on the stick and began the three minute wait.

It was positive.

Jade felt hopeless. She had to do something. She went looking for her parents. They were out. In her parent’s office she found their box of important items. She sat there opening it. All her baby pictures, their wills and their tax returns. She sifted through the pictures of her parents when they were younger. She smiled.

They were a beautiful couple. She was looking for the most important item in the box. She kept digging and moving items around until she found it. She smiled. It was exquisite. Her parents had great taste. Always had.

She ran a bath of hot water and added lots of bubble bath. She was too confused. She needed to clear her head and a hot bath always helped her to do so.

She turned on the music and lit the candles. The sound of smooth jazz floated through the speakers. The bathroom smelled of gardenias. She loved the smell of gardenias.

She stepped into the tub and let the hot water comfort her body. She began to relax. Her mind was clearing her from this land of confusion she was in. She grabbed the most important item that she found in the family box. She pointed the beautiful gun to her forehead and pulled the trigger.

Confusion over.

 

This post is part of the Daily Post. The word was land of confusion.

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The Light

I can smell him before I see him. He enters my room looking for me. First, under the bed and then in the closet where I’m hiding. I can hear him coming towards the closet door. I close my eyes and wait. I don’t want to do it again. I don’t like it. I know that if he finds me he will make me do it again. Tony. I hate Tony.

Tony or as he tells me to call him “Uncle Tony” is mama’s new boyfriend. He is big, dark and strong. He stinks. He smokes and drinks dark colored things out of a red cup. Tony comes to the closet door where I am hiding and grabs my hand. He pulls me to the bed and makes me lie down. “Lift your gown up girl” he says loudly in my ear.  Tears roll slowly down my face. I lift up my gown and he smiles. Uncle Tony has crooked teeth. I hate Uncle Tony.

“Yeah, I like that. You’re so pretty Cassie. You look like a princess.” I hate princesses. Princesses are evil. Princesses get bad things done to them. But, I hate a lot of things. I hate princesses, dolls, the boogey man and police officers. I pretty much hate everything, but Jacob.

Jacob is my only friend. No one knows about Jacob.  Jacob says I have a light and I must let it shine. Jacob tells me that he sees me and God is going to help me. Jacob goes to church. I don’t. Jacob taught me a song about my light.

Mama tells me I don’t have friends. She says that Jacob is not real. She says no one likes me and I can’t have friends because I’m not allowed to go to school or play outside.  But, I know Jacob is real. He teaches me things.

Uncle Tony starts to touch me. Slowly. I cringe with disgust and turn my head. I wish that he would hurry up and leave me alone.

I start to sing. I sing slowly and in a low whisper. The only song I know. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” The smack is hard on my face, “Shut up gal! I can’t concentrate!”

My face hurts and tears begin to fall down my cheeks. I can’t see. I can’t see through the tears. The door opens and I hear a loud bang. I jump. I scream and cover my ears.

I see Uncle Tony hit the floor. I close my eyes hard to the sight of the red ring forming on my floor. Uncle Tony’s eyes are open. I cry harder.

Jacob comes to my bed and shakes me. “Cassie, it’s me! It’s me, Jacob. You’re okay Cassie. I got him.”

I open my eyes and Jacob is smiling. Jacob reminds me about my light. I smile and start to sing. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” Loudly.

I look down and see my mama’s gun in my hands and continue singing at the top of my voice “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”

 

© Tikeetha Thomas

I’m Too Old for This

Yep, I’m saying it. I may not look like I’m 40, but I am. I am too old to be turning it up like I’m 21. I can’t handle the turn up.

Verb:1) Getting loose, being wild and potentially engaging in sexual activity with members of the opposite gender (or the same gender if that’s what you’re in to)
2) Acting crazy due to consumption of large amounts of alcohol, marijuana, molly or other drugs

It can be used as a noun where it is spelled “turnt up” instead of “turned up” as grammatical conventions would suggest.Turnt up isused to described the state of being wild and crazy like someone would be at a party.It is not to be confused with the vegetable, the turnip, to which it shares some phonic similarities but is otherwise entirely unrelated

Example:  We’re gonna turn up tonight at John’s party.
– Urban Dictionary

Point of clarification. There was no sexual behavior or drugs involved in my turn up story. Only a large consumption of alcohol.

So, what happened was….

My girlfriend is a bartender and invited me out to her bar last Saturday night. I was upset about something and she said you need to get out. Come out and hang with me. We’re going to drink and smoke hookah. Umm, sure why not.

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Disclaimer: She’s 32. I’m 40. Stuff starts to go after 40. LOL! She hasn’t learned that yet.

I didn’t want to look desperate hanging out at a bar alone so I invited a friend to come with me and hang out. Strictly friendship. Weird, but I trusted that he would have my back in case I got twisted also known as drunk.

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We arrived about 9 pm and got bar food and drinks. The music was soo good. Especially when the band got there and started playing. Live music, hookah and drinks. It got no better. After 5 drinks that she was just mixing up and has now named “Grape Kool-Aid” she cut me off and served me water.

Nope. I want more Kool-Aid. Another drink bartender. I was getting a little tipsy. I was tired of drinking water but the vibe in the bar was so energetic.

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The next thing I remember is that they were cutting on the lights and it was time to go home. It was 2 am. I had actually stayed in a bar for 5 hours. Where did the time go? Thankfully, I wasn’t the designated driver. I arrived home safely and I paid for my night of fun the next two days. Ugh! I was hungover.

I went out to dinner with a friend Sunday night and I thought I would die. I was turning green at the dinner table. He asked, “Are you okay?” “No” I yelled and raced to the bathroom. I started crying and holding back the vomit and begged for sweet baby Jesus to please heal me. Water wasn’t helping. The room was spinning.

I didn’t throw up but asked him to take me home. He said “Okay” and drove me back home. I crawled back in bed, took 3 aspirin, drank water and prayed that I would be well enough to go to work the next day. I realized that I’m too old to be having a hangover and swore that I would never drink this much again.

Lesson learned!