I Like Control, But So What!

I mean doesn’t everyone like to take control of their life and plans and not just leave it to chance that they will be able to eat, live and have a career? I’ve been often told that I’m predictable. That I follow a set pattern when it comes to making plans and don’t tend to deviate from those said plans. Yep, and what’s the problem with that?

No, I’m not spontaneous. No, I don’t like surprises and no, I don’t tend to go somewhere on the whim. I am neurotic and my friends know and accept this about me (which they should because they are my friends) and they will let me know in advance of parties, play dates or drinks. I love that. If it’s not on my calendar, the likely hood of it happening are slim and none. Does it freak me out when I meet someone who doesn’t like to make plans? Absolutely.

But, I can’t change them. I want someone who will meet me halfway. Know that I like to plan and sometimes plan something or allow me to plan it. Yep, it sounds creepy and controlling, but it’s not. It’s just allowing me to feel comfortable about our plans. Heck, I just planned a getaway to NJ in January with my bestfriend to go to this restaurant that has over 30 different grilled cheese sandwiches. Yep, I’m a foodie who plans her food jaunts.

I probably should be in therapy about my need to feel in control, but I can save myself lots of money and time wasted because I know what the issue is…Lack of control happens when people don’t plan. Families break up. You go hungry. You can’t afford anything. You can’t afford doctor’s visits. You can’t afford extracurricular activities. You eat free and reduced lunch.

You grow up. You make great choices. You vowed to live each day better than the last. You control what you can around you. You control your life.

But, what happens when you lose control? What happens when things fall apart that you thought were supposed to work because you took the time, did the research, resolved and analyzed the outliers and it still fails?

You cry. You scream. You accept the inevitable.

You move forward. You grow. You make it through.

You create a new path. A new plan. You research, analyze and test your hypothesis knowing that it is all trial and error.

control

Femininity and all that Jazz

Earlier last year, I went through a major change in my life.  I had so many friends tell me that I needed to take time out for myself and find the “true me”.  So, I told them…I know who I am.  But, then I stopped to think that they may not know who I am.  But did it really matter as long as I was happy?

My friends are seeing major changes both inside and outside of me.  They don’t understand that most of my life I’ve spent running from the “true me”.  The “true me” was scared of her femininity.  I hated the changing shapes of my hips and I didn’t want to accept the curves in my body because I’m a woman who was taught brains before beauty.  So, what did I do?  I tried to hide. Hide my curves behind baggy clothes and box structured pant suits because I didn’t want to draw attention to my body.  I liked being under the radar.

I know that I’m a woman with hips that are in the double digits, but no one taught me how to embrace my shape and ever changing body.  To truly love my coffee colored skin.  To love my oddly shaped nose that no one in my family has.  To love the fullness of my lips or the smallness of my breasts.  No one taught me that I can be sexy without dressing like I worked the corner of a busy intersection in a seedy part of town.  Because sexy wasn’t something that I identified with.  I wasn’t sexy.  I was too big to be sexy.  I was just big.  So, I just hid myself behind a proverbial wall never to draw attention to myself.

When I was younger, education was stressed.  Not beauty, but brains.  I was taught that it is more important to be smart.  Focus on education, learn my history and be self-sufficient because as a woman it would be hard for me.  You know the glass ceilings and such.  I am both simple and complex at the same time.  I am greater than the sum of my parts and both my femininity and color make up the whole of me, but there is more.  A lot more.

So, I took the path laid out before me.  I focused on being smart and structured in the business world.  I wanted to be seen as keen, analytical and dependable.  I wanted to be taken seriously and not to be the “angry black female” or the “emotional woman” at the table when discussing business.  I wanted to have a voice that was valued.  But how did I do that?  By dressing the part.  I dressed the part of the sharp, no-nonsense, business woman who wanted to be rewarded for her brains not her beauty.  I wanted to climb the corporate ladder on my own merits and not my backside, but I was naïve. 

I discovered that hiding my femininity behind boxy glasses and sharp pant suits didn’t make me appear smarter.  Nor did wearing tight clothes with six-inch heels.  I needed to find a balance.  I could still climb the ladder on my merits without thinking I had to enter into a sexual harassment type situation.  I needed to find me.  But, not just find me, to like me and accept who I am.  To realize that my voice is not based on how I dressed.  I am not a size 6 or a size 10.  I’m in the double digits when it comes to pant sizes, but this year I realized that it is okay to be a beauty with booty and still wear clothes that show my femininity.  I wear more dresses and bright colors that compliment my skin tone.  I get beautiful earrings that draw attention to my beautiful face wearing my Chanel glasses and I swing my hips proudly as I embrace my curves.  I have sass and smarts and I deserve to be seen and not hide behind my clothes.  So, if you see my timeline flooded with selfies, it’s because I’m embracing and loving my femininity.  I’m shedding pounds and layers and stepping into my own one outfit at a time.