I Like Control, But So What!

I mean doesn’t everyone like to take control of their life and plans and not just leave it to chance that they will be able to eat, live and have a career? I’ve been often told that I’m predictable. That I follow a set pattern when it comes to making plans and don’t tend to deviate from those said plans. Yep, and what’s the problem with that?

No, I’m not spontaneous. No, I don’t like surprises and no, I don’t tend to go somewhere on the whim. I am neurotic and my friends know and accept this about me (which they should because they are my friends) and they will let me know in advance of parties, play dates or drinks. I love that. If it’s not on my calendar, the likely hood of it happening are slim and none. Does it freak me out when I meet someone who doesn’t like to make plans? Absolutely.

But, I can’t change them. I want someone who will meet me halfway. Know that I like to plan and sometimes plan something or allow me to plan it. Yep, it sounds creepy and controlling, but it’s not. It’s just allowing me to feel comfortable about our plans. Heck, I just planned a getaway to NJ in January with my bestfriend to go to this restaurant that has over 30 different grilled cheese sandwiches. Yep, I’m a foodie who plans her food jaunts.

I probably should be in therapy about my need to feel in control, but I can save myself lots of money and time wasted because I know what the issue is…Lack of control happens when people don’t plan. Families break up. You go hungry. You can’t afford anything. You can’t afford doctor’s visits. You can’t afford extracurricular activities. You eat free and reduced lunch.

You grow up. You make great choices. You vowed to live each day better than the last. You control what you can around you. You control your life.

But, what happens when you lose control? What happens when things fall apart that you thought were supposed to work because you took the time, did the research, resolved and analyzed the outliers and it still fails?

You cry. You scream. You accept the inevitable.

You move forward. You grow. You make it through.

You create a new path. A new plan. You research, analyze and test your hypothesis knowing that it is all trial and error.

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I Wish I Could

I wish I could is the most hopeful phrase I know. It’s filled with possibilities. I like possibilities. They give me hope. Hope is promise. I like promises.

I was sitting there watching my son sleep last night and reflecting on how people say that I’m a good mother and I love my son. Great! But, doesn’t everyone? Doesn’t every parent love their child more than their own life? Doesn’t every parent’s heart swell with joy every time they think about their child?

Parenting is hard. Yes, I get tired. Yes, I get frustrated. Yes, I want to run away sometimes and lock myself in a padded cell and not hear the words, “Mom” or “Mommy” for a full 48 hours. That sounds ungrateful though. Not appreciating what God has blessed me with – but it’s the truth. It’s not his fault that I’m tired or this is my busy season at work. It’s not his fault if I get sick and he feels the need to check on me every (and yes I mean EVERY) 10 minutes to see if I’m okay. He’s just concerned.

This weekend was rough. I woke up this morning like “Ugh, I can’t believe it’s Monday already!” We had a great and exhausting weekend with visits to the pumpkin patch, swim class, my nail and hair appointments and dinner with his friends at Pizza Hut. As I stood above his bed watching him sleep (like I do many nights) my heart swelled with immense joy. I was truly grateful and blessed that I have an incredible little boy. As I stood over him seeing him in all his innocence, I started a list in my head. A list filled with hope and possibilities.

I Wish I Could:

  • Capture the sound of your laughter at this age because it is the best sound I’ve ever heard. It instantly makes me feel better and gives me hope that I’m not a bad mother when you get disappointed by me telling you no.
  • Teach you how to recognize, acknowledge and respect God’s favor over our lives. I don’t know why God has continually blessed us and keeps us even when I’m not the best person in the world, but I’m thankful. Truly thankful and blessed and I want you to be better than me in that munch.
  • Kiss away the scary. Sometimes you will wake up and I may not be there to kiss away your fears, but know that I am never far away. I believe in you and I believe in the fact that you are a big boy and this too shall pass.
  • Videotape your memories and thoughts when it comes to expressing your love for Jesus. You continually amaze me when you want to talk about Jesus, tell me about the Bible, be Jesus for Halloween or analyze how God is always watching over you even when I’m not there. You didn’t have a problem yelling out at Courtney’s 5th birthday party last week that we had to sing “May God Bless You” before we cut the cake because you want to honor God with everything you have and I am overwhelmingly in awe of who you are.
  • Always remember that I never wanted children. Because until you came along, my life was just ordinary and it was fine. But, the moment you were in my womb, it became extraordinary and I NEVER EVER want to forget that. It allows me to appreciate you and what you have done for me. Your very existence changed my world view. I am eternally grateful for that.

Motherhood is not always roses and laughter. I know there will be days that we will probably be ready to strangle each other, but I can’t take it for granted. The good or bad both matter and they mean that I am doing something right. I am not perfect. I am trying and I love being his mother because I now have purpose. To do what it says in the Bible, “Bring up a child by teaching him the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn away from it.” – Proverbs 22:6 (NLV)
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Brennan Turns 2!

Wow! Can you believe that he is already two years old? Time surely has flown. He is such an amazing little boy. He is talking up a storm now. Most things are still unclear, but he is fascinated by dogs, Elmo and Sprout TV (on PBS). He is running and jumping and enjoying his independence. He moved into his new classroom this week and it’s amazing the schedule that they follow in the 2 year old room. More structured. He still has the binky, refuses to sleep in his room and won’t use the potty. He really has his own opinion.

He went to both the dentist and the doctor on his birthday. My boss said I was being mean by taking him to doctor’s appointments on his birthday. I told her I was a mom and he had shots to get and an oral evaluation/examination by a dentist. Both appointments went okay. He got 3 shots. He is off the charts on height, weight and in the 90th percentile on head circumference. He grew 2 1/2 inches since his 18 month check-up. The doctor said he is amazing, but that we need to set some structure with his sleeping habits. She said that Brennan needs to be in the bed by 8:30 pm at the latest and down for at least 11 hours. So, of course Lee has been an iron fist with the bed time. I cried the first few nights, but thank God for my husband. He really knows how to be the head of the household.

We gave Brennan a great part on Saturday, May 1st. We had a lot of folks and it was a puppy themed party. We were once again overwhelmed by the love and support of the family and we were blessed by the outpouring of gifts. Check out the flicks!