My Heart Hurts

A couple of weeks after my surgery I went to the emergency room. I had woken up the day before with chest pains. It was this severe pain right above my heart. I felt dizzy and out of breath. My mother was insistent that I go to the doctor’s. I had just returned to work and couldn’t miss a day. I figured I would be fine. After all it was a Friday.

Later that night I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. I couldn’t find a position that helped. I finally dozed off only to wake up the next morning feeling like crap. My chest hurt worse. It felt like an elephant was stepping on my chest. I was struggling to breathe now. I was scared.

I caught my mother before she went about her normal Saturday activities. I needed her to take me to the emergency room. Something was wrong. We got in the car and headed to the hospital. The doctor scared the hell out of me when she mentioned that I may have a blood clot because I had just had major surgery two weeks earlier. I started to cry. I said “I have a 10 year old son. I can’t die.” She said “Sweetie, if it’s a blood clot, you’re in the best place and we can test and treat it immediately.” I just laid there praying that it wasn’t a clot. Munch needed me.

I started thinking about life and death and all the in between moments. The times when I was too tired to do anything because I was busy burning the candle at both ends. The times when I forgot to feed my own soul. My family has a history of heart problems and what if something is wrong with my heart? My heart history is bad on both sides of my family.

This was bad. I was only 43. I needed my heart to be okay. I prayed.

Many tests later, I found myself in a morphine haze and still in pain. The nurse said if the morphine wasn’t working then it probably wasn’t a blood clot. She was saying that morphine increases oxygen in the blood. Okay, I just remember that morphine was the good stuff only reserved for end of life patients and here was the hospital giving it to me like candy. The doctor came in and said that everything looked good. It didn’t look like I had a blood clot and my heart looked fine. She suggested that I follow up with my primary care doctor and apologized for scaring me.

I sighed. At least I wasn’t going to die. Not today.

I left the emergency room in pain and went home to sleep. I was exhausted from the day spent in the ER and drugged up off the morphine. I just wanted the pain in my chest to stop.

I spent the weekend in bed and sent an email to my doctor’s office for an appointment. I spent time with my primary as he accessed my hospital test results and informed me that everything looked good. I told him about my dad’s and my family’s history of heart issues. I explained that I was scared that something is going to be wrong with my heart and he’ll tell me too late.

I told him I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to have a heart attack and I wanted to watch my son grow up. I needed him to make sure that I was okay. That my heart was fine.

He said he would. He recommended a stress test based on my family history and then repeated what he’d being saying to me the last couple of years. I need to get the weight off. I need to stop letting people and situations stress me the hell out because my blood pressure is getting higher and stress can affect my heart health. He suggested a low dose blood pressure medicine. He needed me to get control of my weight and stress.

I had no choice now. No more excuses. It was time to put up or shut up and do what needed to be done. He said we can wait until I get the all clear from my surgeon to resume exercise. We scheduled my stress test and it was time for me to make a change.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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Motivational Monday Moment – 05.07.18

It’s Monday! I’m excited. Another week down and another chance to do it again. I was thinking of ways that I could inspire and motivate you this weekend. I came across this great quote:

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I loved that. It reminded me that no matter what storm you may find yourself in at the moment that no stressor can break you. You need to just remain flexible and keep moving forward. Isn’t that awesome?

How many times are we overcome by the situations we find ourselves in? The storm seems to be too much for us to handle but I’m telling you that you need to plant your feet firmly to the ground and adjust your umbrella and know that it will stop, It will die down and go away. But, you don’t have to just wait in the rain waiting for it to stop.

You keep living. You keep moving forward. You keep getting up and giving the best of yourself each and every day to the world. You trust the fact that this is not the first storm or the last storm. You just gotta keep moving.

In my storms I’ve learned that flexibility is the key and so is moving forward. I know that life won’t be easy and I trust that in the midst of my storms that God is working on me. I am thankful for the rain because it is cleansing. So, my Motivational Monday Moment is is to allow yourself to be cleaned mentally and spiritually during your stressing storm. Take a deep breath and keep pushing forward because truthfully…you got this!

 

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Fight or Flight

I told ya’ll that I was going through stress. I’ve been trying to do meditation (still a work in progress), exercise and practicing mindfulness to help combat this. Last week I was really stressed out and venting to my man. I needed to hear his soothing words and comfort.

He did. But, there was an instance that he accused me of using the Lord’s name in vain. I didn’t. But, he felt that my word was too close and it offended him morally. I paused. I had to check myself because I was going to say something that would have had him questioning whether or not he wanted to be my man. Yep, I can be slick. But, I paused.

There is something about pausing.

Pausing allows you to check yourself. Pausing allows you to really get a hold of your words and head before they exit your mouth. I paused before I lost my mind and temper.

I sighed. I said “This conversation is beginning to stress me out, so I’m going to bid you a good night and we’ll talk later.” He said okay and we got off the phone.

I thought – This man has lost his ever loving mind and I can’t believe that we are going through this. This is too much drama and I don’t know if he gets me. How can I be in a relationship with a man that censors me or my thoughts?

I called my best friend because you know that I needed someone to give me a reality check about my situation. She listened to me vent and said she sees both sides of the issue. But, she told me to take a few days and just get through what I’m going to before circling back with him. I told her “Uh huh. Okay. I will.”

She paused.

She said “Kee, look I need you to take a few days and get your head around what you’re going through so that you can process your feelings about what occurred with you two. Don’t let your fear help you take flight on one of the best relationships you’ve ever had.”

Well damn.

She acted like she knew me. Yes, I tend to run when things don’t feel right, but that’s part of my personality. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and when I want to be out, I will be. Plain and simple. No need to sugar coat it. Life’s too short.

But, I paused.

She was right. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t entitled to feel the way I feel, but I didn’t want to combine the issues and make him pay for something he didn’t do because I was in a bad space. That wasn’t fair too him. He and I needed to talk.

The good news is that I couldn’t wait a few days. I woke up the next morning needing to talk to him. I called him and told him how I felt. I told him that I respect his morals and values, but I felt as though he wasn’t listening to me and further more that he chose that moment to interrupt me as though I stabbed him. I explained that I needed him to tell me how I was supposed to be in a relationship with someone that I couldn’t be myself with? Someone who censored me.

He paused.

Man when I tell you that there is a purpose for the pause, believe it. There is always a purpose. He explained his position, but he told me that he didn’t want me to feel censored in any way. He told me that he wasn’t censoring me and he just felt the need to say something.

I explained that I was going to run, but my best friend called me on my BS. I was scared. Scared that he wasn’t as good of a person as I thought. I know it wasn’t fair, but I needed to talk to him and be reassured that I could trust him with everything. My deepest fears. My biggest dreams. Me.

I wasn’t ready to walk away from the man that made me think that I could do anything, but I couldn’t be with someone who wanted to censor me. I spent so many years in the corner trying to figure out my life that I don’t believe in that anymore. What you see is what you get so I need you to be as transparent with me as I am with you. Open and honest. Free flowing and free thinking. I need that.

Does this mean that we’re okay? Yeah. We’re good. The thing is that relationships are about learning each other and trying to find the common ground. Knowing what affects him matters to me and I’m sure it goes for him. It’s not perfect and this was a major hurdle to climb over, but I’m not too grown to know when I was wrong and vice versa. The joys of relationships.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

 

 

Blood Pressure & Boundaries

I attended the Go Red Women’s Luncheon last week before heading into the office. It was a great event and I’m happy I went. I learned a lot of information and had my blood pressure checked. Mainly so I could win a gift, but after reading the stats about women and heart disease, heart attacks and strokes, I wanted to make sure that I was good.

I hadn’t taken my blood pressure since I got sick in January. It was normal. However, when I took it on Friday it wasn’t. It was 152/100. Not normal. I knew what it was. I was stressed. I was carrying so much stress and anger that my blood pressure was not normal. It’s always been normal.

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I had to make a change. In that moment I knew that I wasn’t going to let life and the things that I was going through stress me out. I had a choice to make and I was going to make it. I was breaking up with stress. It’s been less than a week. It’s really hard. People push buttons. People create drama and overreact about situations and bring it to me. I take on their stress. Tensions form. Pain happens.  I begin to feel it in my shoulders, in my head and in my heart.

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I could have a heart attack or develop heart disease. I am not going to let stress take me the hell out. So, I tested my blood pressure all weekend and it went down. I am now monitoring it and increasing my physical activity and really trying to mediate. My therapist said to take it in small doses. Try meditating for 3 minutes and then increase your meditation time.

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It’s hard. It’s a struggle. I am trying to maintain my stress. Breathe more. Remember to practice mindfulness and incorporate meditation. I can’t stop stress from happening, but I can stop reacting to stressful situations by carrying it with me all day for days on end. I have to learn to let go and release. I owe it to my son, my family, my man and my heart.

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I’m on a journey to be healthier not just physically, but mentally as well and I’m thankful for those who seek to inspire, motivate and encourage me on this journey. Even Mr. C is getting in and trying to keep me sane. He sent me this great video that really hit home for me because I’m a visual learner. Check it out.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FMeirKay%2Fvideos%2F778428138962490%2F&show_text=0&width=400

 

Let’s all break up with stress. Our hearts can’t take the pain.

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.