So, I read this great post yesterday entitled “A Letter To The Boys Who Refused to Be My Man” and thought…
I needed to read this post yesterday. I needed to align my thoughts with the universe and realize that there is nothing wrong with a man not choosing me. It’s actually pretty darn wonderful. Because in essence they were not the ones for me.
This was evident last night when I had dinner, drinks and a cigar with Mr. K. The whole dynamic was different. I think I truly saw the real him for the first time. Not the guy who was trying to woo me, but the man who was still running game at his age (48). Now, let me give you some background…
Mr. K and I dated briefly in the spring and it ended by the summer. LOL. We couldn’t make it a season. But, there is a season for everything right? So, I understand this. He wooed me. Courted me. Was a perfect gentleman. Opened doors. He started off giving me his undivided time and attention. That started to change as we went from spring to summer. He always said that it’s his hectic softball schedule and his responsibilities with his 19-year-old son.
So, I believed him. I trusted that since we were dating and had no commitment that he would be honest and up front about who he is and what he wants considering that I had done that. However, I realized that he wasn’t being honest. He was slow fading and playing me for a fool.
I decided that enough was enough and didn’t really communicate with him anymore. No emails, texts or phone calls. I wasn’t concerned. But, part of me wondered what the heck was his problem? Why couldn’t he just “man up” and tell me the truth? My best friend is a firm believer in closure, but I never needed it.
Which is how I ended up having dinner, drinks and cigars with him on Monday night. I wasn’t remotely interested in anything romantic, just trying to figure out what the deal was. Not just with him, but with me. What made me so interested in him? We had a good dinner and focused on safe topics: our careers, our children and our work out schedules. It was safe.
We then went to smoke cigars at this great lounge. Did I tell you that I love stogies? LOL. I do. So, we went to this great lounge that is laid out like a house with leather furniture and flat screens everywhere. It was Monday night right? Football.
We sat and talked. It was awkward in the beginning because our conversation was basically some superfluous BS. Then he paused. He started to let some of his true personality show. He was telling me how he thinks he will be alone forever. “Why?” I asked slowly puffing on my cigar. “Because I’m not good at relationships” he responded.
I looked at him. For the first time in a long time and realized what I knew and he kept denying….he had unresolved issues with women. Women were interchangeable chess pieces and he was just playing a game. I laughed and realized that he’s a prick. He was a prick to me. He was probably a prick to other women. Does it matter? Nope. But, he had to know it right?
He did. Because when he was giving me his full court press he was giving it to 5 other women. I was part of a tribe of 6 women he was dating. In the midst of running around trying to play games with us 6 he fell for one. He thought she would always be around. She wasn’t. She gave up. “For real this time” he uttered. My heart hurt.
not for his sorry behind
but for the fact that he was in love and had lost it. He was going through it. I could see how this woman who had no name who was competing for time with me was special to him. He took her for granted and she was done. I could have laughed. I could have said, “You’re a loser who deserves this.” but I didn’t. I felt sorry for him.
In that moment, I sent a text to my friend and said “I miss the sound of your voice.” Because it is his voice that I seek when there seems to be chaos and confusion with people I encounter. His calming and reassuring tone soothes my spirit and makes me see clearly. Dang, there was no response.
I looked at Mr. K and said, “Go after her. Fix it. I believe in love and I believe in passion and if you want her, tell her you messed up. Tell her the truth. Man up and be the man she wanted you to be.” He said, “I would have to walk through fire with gasoline underwear on and it still wouldn’t be enough.” I looked at him and sipped my wine. “Make it enough. Be enough. Stop giving excuses. You were a dick to me. To all women. Make it about her.”
At that moment I received not only closure, but reassurance that I had to go through that experience with him to realize what I deserve. He was a stepping stone to finding happiness with myself and learning to wait on God. When I did wait and stopped accepting less than I deserved, I was able to allow this awesome man who is my friend, who courts my spirit and soothes my soul with his word to come in my space. This man who sees my erratic brain and thinks it is slightly weird but incredibly beautiful. This man who gives me time. Who appreciates me and just wants to get to know me.
I’m being courted by a man who knows the value of his words. Who thinks before he speaks. Who makes me a priority and who cares about my spirit. I thanked Mr. K for dinner and headed out the restaurant in a hurry because I needed to speak to my friend. I appreciated who he was and I was determined to let him know that.