Is It A Date?

Is it a date if you go out with a man that you’re friends with and he pays? You’ve never been intimate and have no desire to be other than friends with each other. Would you consider it a date? What if you’ve been friends for more than 5 years?

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links:  Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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National Boyfriend’s Day?

Are we just making up stuff now? Yesterday was National Boyfriend’s Day. Did you know it? Do you care? LOL.

I sent my own boyfriend (Mr. C) a notice that it was National Boyfriend’s Day. He thought it was hilarious and asked “Is that right and what do boyfriends get in their honor?”  Stop being nosey. I’m not telling you what I told him.

But I did some research and found out the following:

“National Boyfriend Day is here. Falling on third of October every year, the day is an unofficial holiday meant to celebrate (as the name suggests) the man you love.

Even though ‘boyfriend’ refers to a person with whom you are in intimate relationship, people also celebrate the day to appreciate the men they love platonically.” V. Sonawane – IB Times 

Pretty cool huh? We get Valentine’s Day and he gets National Boyfriend’s Day. LOL. But, seriously we are going to see each other this weekend and I’ll treat him to dinner. However, let it be said that I don’t need to show him how much I appreciate him by giving him gifts. He’s a pretty simple man and before you get it twisted, I don’t need him to spoil me with gifts either.

Since he is an avid reader of my blog I thought it would be a great idea to tell him publicly (and of course my closest friends) how much I appreciate him. Here’s my letter to him:

Dear Babe:

Thank you for the many hours of conversation that you provide. Thank you for consoling me when my worries and anxiety threaten to consume me. Thank you for the many dates you spend enjoying my presence and courting my spirit. Thank you for friendship, for prayer and for love. 

In honor of National Boyfriend’s Day I want to thank you publicly for being you. You have become my biggest supporter and my best friend. You help me to see that there are no limits that I can’t reach and you calm my tormented spirit just by being in my presence. I truly want to thank you for who you are and what you do. 

I thank God each and every day for you because you really make me love and appreciate the healthy and normal. Our relationship is ever evolving and moods change often, but you respect me like I respect you to give each other space. I want to thank you for always giving me time even when you’re too exhausted to give it. I want to thank you for the last year, for today and for the future. I want to spend every day loving the space that you and I create and honoring you with all that I am and all that I have. Thank you for loving my erratic mind, my quirky spirit and the essence of me. I love you.

You think he’ll like it?

What Does Love Look Like to You?

I asked that question to Mr. C the other night after I read this great post on FaceBook the other night:

I asked him what does love look like to him. He told me his response and then he asked me the question. What does love look like to you? I explained that love to me was about self-love first. I told him how when I was married I didn’t really love myself the way that I should. I wasn’t “whole”. I was looking for my ex-husband to love me. I was trying to get him to fill the missing pieces. But, in reality I was setting him up for failure. Why?

No one can love you more than you love yourself. If you lack self-love, no matter how wonderful a person is you will never feel complete. You will always feel as though you are missing something. You won’t feel like the whole person you should be before you venture into love.

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Me? I was missing the ability to recognize, own and deal with my own issues. I was pushing those issues in my overfilled closet of my mind and trying to keep them stuffed in there. It wasn’t fair to him. It definitely wasn’t fair to me.

If we’re being honest though, I did tell him that I had three eighteen wheeleer’s worth of baggage and asked him was he sure that he wanted to get involved and marry someone like me. He said yes. I guess we were both gullible.

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Which led us to the path of divorce. But, I want to stress the importance of loving ourselves. Loving ourselves past the pain of our past. I didn’t. I didn’t forgive myself for past pains. I held onto it like a blanket of comfort when all it was doing was smothering me. I let my poor choices snowfall into making poorer choices which resulted into me feeling unfulfilled in my marriage.

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Not truly loving yourself allows you to allow foolish men to enter your life. Not every man that I encountered was foolish. Many just made poor choices that I just went along with because I was being that “ride or die” woman. What the what?

We are meant to be partners. We are not meant to be disposable pieces for a man. The loyalty, respect, trust and promises should be automatic. We should never take each other for granted and we should ride or die for each other.

If you are the only one riding or dying for your relationship then it is one sided. You feel as though you are always missing something. You feel like you’re not whole. Your mind, body and spirit are not in alignment. You are struggling. I know. I’ve been there.

I was literally struggling to find my identity. Who was I? What was the problem with me? Why did I allow people in my life who were not worthy or deserving? Why can’t I resolve my issues.

Relationships are fluid. They go where they are supposed to when you realize that the amount of love you have for yourself will never allow you to settle. Love you first. 

I learned that. I love me now more than I ever thought possible. I got over the pain (with Jesus, wine and therapy) and truly understand what it means to be happy and healthy. I don’t look for other people to validate my existence. I don’t waste my time (which is valuable) on men that won’t share their time freely with me. I exist in this space where my first goal is to love myself first. That allows me to receive love and in turn be open to loving again. That’s what love looks like to me.

Random: Grown Men

Grown men talk more than the text.

Grown men make time to court you.

Grown men pay for dates.

Grown men make plans.

Grown men share pieces of their soul with you willingly.

Grown men see the not so cute parts of you and still tell you that you’re awesome.

Grown men use their words sparingly and with purpose.

Grown men inspire your spirit.

Grown men encourage your growth.

Grown men calm the voices inside your head.

Grown men know when they’ve found a grown woman because they fit like the missing link in a puzzle.

Grown men.

Closure and Reassurance

So, I read this great post yesterday entitled “A Letter To The Boys Who Refused to Be My Man” and thought…

Finally!

I needed to read this post yesterday. I needed to align my thoughts with the universe and realize that there is nothing wrong with a man not choosing me. It’s actually pretty darn wonderful. Because in essence they were not the ones for me.

This was evident last night when I had dinner, drinks and a cigar with Mr. K. The whole dynamic was different. I think I truly saw the real him for the first time. Not the guy who was trying to woo me, but the man who was still running game at his age (48). Now, let me give you some background…

Mr. K and I dated briefly in the spring and it ended by the summer. LOL. We couldn’t make it a season. But, there is a season for everything right? So, I understand this. He wooed me. Courted me. Was a perfect gentleman. Opened doors. He started off giving me his undivided time and attention. That started to change as we went from spring to summer.  He  always said that it’s his hectic softball schedule and his responsibilities with his 19-year-old son.

Okey dokey.

So, I believed him. I trusted that since we were dating and had no commitment that he would be honest and up front about who he is and what he wants considering that I had done that. However, I realized that he wasn’t being honest. He was slow fading and playing me for a fool.

I decided that enough was enough and didn’t really communicate with him anymore. No emails, texts or phone calls. I wasn’t concerned. But, part of me wondered what the heck was his problem? Why couldn’t he just “man up” and tell me the truth? My best friend is a firm believer in closure, but I never needed it.

Until now…

 

Which is how I ended up having dinner, drinks and cigars with him on Monday night. I wasn’t remotely interested in anything romantic, just trying to figure out what the deal was. Not just with him, but with me. What made me so interested in him? We had a good dinner and focused on safe topics: our careers, our children and our work out schedules. It was safe.

We then went to smoke cigars at this great lounge. Did I tell you that I love stogies? LOL. I do. So, we went to this great lounge that is laid out like a house with leather furniture and flat screens everywhere. It was Monday night right? Football.

We sat and talked. It was awkward in the beginning because our conversation was basically some superfluous BS. Then he paused. He started to let some of his true personality show. He was telling me how he thinks he will be alone forever. “Why?” I asked slowly puffing on my cigar. “Because I’m not good at relationships” he responded.

I looked at him. For the first time in a long time and realized what I knew and he kept denying….he had unresolved issues with women. Women were interchangeable chess pieces and he was just playing a game. I laughed and realized that he’s a prick. He was a prick to me. He was probably a prick to other women. Does it matter? Nope. But, he had to know it right?

He did. Because when he was giving me his full court press he was giving it to 5 other women. I was part of a tribe of 6 women he was dating. In the midst of running around trying to play games with us 6 he fell for one. He thought she would always be around. She wasn’t. She gave up. “For real this time” he uttered. My heart hurt.

not for his sorry behind 

but for the fact that he was in love and had lost it. He was going through it. I could see how this woman who had no name who was competing for time with me was special to him. He took her for granted and she was done. I could have laughed. I could have said, “You’re a loser who deserves this.” but I didn’t. I felt sorry for him.

In that moment, I sent a text to my friend and said “I miss the sound of your voice.” Because it is his voice that I seek when there seems to be chaos and confusion with people I encounter. His calming and reassuring tone soothes my spirit and makes me see clearly. Dang, there was no response.

I looked at Mr. K and said, “Go after her. Fix it. I believe in love and I believe in passion and if you want her, tell her you messed up. Tell her the truth. Man up and be the man she wanted you to be.” He said, “I would have to walk through fire with gasoline underwear on and it still wouldn’t be enough.” I looked at him and sipped my wine. “Make it enough. Be enough. Stop giving excuses. You were a dick to me. To all women. Make it about her.”

At that moment I received not only closure, but reassurance that I had to go through that experience with him to realize what I deserve. He was a stepping stone to finding happiness with myself and learning to wait on God. When I did wait and stopped accepting less than I deserved, I was able to allow this awesome man who is my friend, who courts my spirit and soothes my soul with his word to come in my space. This man who sees my erratic brain and thinks it is slightly weird but incredibly beautiful. This man who gives me time. Who appreciates me and just wants to get to know me.

I’m being courted by a man who knows the value of his words. Who thinks before he speaks. Who makes me a priority and who cares about my spirit. I thanked Mr. K for dinner and headed out the restaurant in a hurry because I needed to speak to my friend. I appreciated who he was and I was determined to let him know that.

Just a really nice guy.

I Am My Father’s Daughter

This has been an interesting holiday season. I spent Thanksgiving at my grandma’s house which is something that I hadn’t done since college. It felt good to be in grandma’s house and in her presence. I love spending time with my grandma and this year I got to spend time with my dad.

As many of you know from my prior posts that my dad was an absentee father for many years. He wasn’t around. He chose not to have a relationship with me. It’s weird because going home to be with him was both scary and wonderful at the same time. I was getting to know the man who was standing before me.

I wanted to make memories. Good ones. I wanted to capture the essence of his spirit and remember his face because I’ve spent so many years missing him. Missing the man who used to tuck me into bed, kiss my forehead and tell me I’m beautiful. Missing that man.

But, I tell you that there is something to be said for getting to know him as an adult. We got to talk about some of the things we’ve missed: men, dating, relationships, sex and family. LOL! It was an interesting conversation whereby I learned a lot about him and he learned a lot about me.

I got to have quality time with my dad. He was remorseful of the things that he’s done in the past. He said, “Daughter, I’m just so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.” I replied, “Dad, it’s okay. God has protected me and allowed me to forgive you. It is through HIS grace and mercy that I’m able to sit here and just love you for you.”

Wasn’t that awesome? It was wonderful to be with my dad and just exist in a space that I’ve yearned to have for so many years. To just look into his eyes and see my reflection. To know that he is still very much the man who gave me the greatest daddy/daughter moments for the first 9 years of my life. To see his smile reflected in my accomplishments.

I’ve spent so many years wanting this moment that it feels awesome to know that I have it. That I am my father’s daughter, his first-born girl and a woman that he is extremely proud to know. This road to healing is a long and winding road, but I promise him something that I’ve never had…patience.

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