That chapter in my life.
My marriage was officially dissolved.
I was an ex-wife. I had an ex-husband. I kept thinking was there something I was supposed to feel? I didn’t feel different. I felt relieved. Relieved at the fact that we could come together to support our son. No more fighting over custody.
I was exhausted. I stood whispering to him in the halls that I thought it best that our son live with me primarily. Your health. His health. His needs. We have to think about him. I’ve never denied you access to our son. He’s yours. He’s mine.
Tears were in his eyes when he said, “I feel like I’m failing our son.” Grief. Anguish. All emotions that I could see written on his face. I paused and asked “How are you failing him? By allowing me to be the primary caregiver for him? I’m his mother. I know that he needs you and you need him.” Silence.
I asked, “What is best for your son? Think seriously about it. I’m not taking away your visitation. I’m allowing you to design a schedule that we both find reasonable. One that puts the needs of our little boy above our own.” I sighed.
I told him that I will give him time to design a new schedule. Let me know. Before school ends so we can get Munch used to it. I needed him to stop hating me. For his son’s sake. For his sake.
It was always about custody. Not fighting for our marriage. It was done. We both agreed. But, he believed that I would keep his son from him. I wouldn’t. I haven’t. I won’t. However, I couldn’t continue to fight this fictitious battle. It was old. I was tired.
Munch’s needs at this moment were taking a priority over this drama. I explained, “You know what your son is going through. He worries about you constantly. Part of his issue is that his dad’s health is changing and he sees it. We can’t help that. We need to help him deal. Cope. It’s a part of life.”
He sighed and uttered, “I’m going to trust you.” “Please do” I replied. We walked silently down the long hall.
We entered the courtroom. The magistrate swore us in. Asked the questions about custody, child support and said “I’m happy you two are working it out. That’s really good.” I smiled. It was good.
We were now being adults. No more personal grievances affecting our child. No more using Munch as a crutch. We were going to be better. Our son needed us to.
We waived our rights to appeal the absolute divorce and signed the papers. Finally, it was done. A chapter closed. A chapter that had left us bruised and hating each other. A chapter of debts paid and unpaid, changes in job, declines in health and death.
“Let’s have a party” said some of my girlfriends. Talks of celebration, cake and champagne rang out. I just smiled. In two pages, my life was finalized and that part of it closed. Two pages huh?
I want to think that we can now focus on being co-parents. Loving our son. Being there in a united front with no underlining hatred of the other. Our Munch needs us and in the end does it matter beyond that? No.
We loved each other. We hurt each other. We divorced each other.
Do I feel differently? Nope. I think I was just relieved that it was over. It was almost 3 years of back and forth bickering. Now, it’s done. A chapter closed.
Now, we co-parent.