2016 accepting yourself address advice black men black women dating relationships self-esteem

Black Woman Dating

I follow a blogger, Bougie Black Girl, who I absolutely adore. So, while strolling Facebook on Monday night I saw this post:

I was actually floored. Why? Because it seemed like she was suggesting that in order for a man to recognize your worth he had to pay for a pricey dinner. Really?

I get that women undervalue themselves when dating, but when did my value become synonymous with how much you’re willing to pay for dinner? I tend to look at dating as a preview of whether or not we’re compatible. I will never ask you to spend $300 on a first date or any date where we are not in a relationship. If you choose to do so, then great, if not, I will enjoy my scallops just the same at McCormick & Schmick’s without you having to break the bank.

Many people don’t make it past a first date. Whether of their choice or mine, I don’t like to waste any one’s time. So, I will pick a place that is family friendly with a lot of witnesses, affordable to me and is well lit. LOL! My first date with Mr. C was at The Cheesecake Factory. Why? Because I wanted to go there. I had recently discovered that they had a fit menu and I wanted to eat healthier and drink healthier. He was cool with that.

I think the issue of black women accepting less than they are worth (think Netflix and chill) stems from us never having known our true value. It starts with us loving ourselves and providing for ourselves. I’m not taking anything away from a man not being able to provide, but a man paying for a $300 meal tells me nothing about his character, his finances or his ability to provide long-term for me. What was his childhood like? What are his spending habits like? Does he have money saved for retirement?

I get that we don’t want to date anymore “broke a** men” but in order to change our mindset we need to heal from our bad experiences. Release and reflect on our choices and accept that they were our bad choices. We learn from them. We move on. We move beyond the BS into making better choices. For our future. For our children.

Now, before ya’ll get your panties in a bunch and say “Well, T I want him to know that I’m the prize and he can’t just be cheap with me” I get it. Did you tell him that? In your conversations. I mean you can learn a lot about a man by just talking to him. Does that mean he will listen? Nope, but neither does breaking his bank. I would rather a man take me somewhere he can afford (that is within my dining standards) than to splurge on something that he can’t and then be disrespectful by asking for sex afterwards.

Dating is supposed to be fun. It’s the courtship of getting to know and respect each other. It’s a process. No amount of money spent will guarantee that you actually enjoy the date.  Take your time and meet people who first respect you and secondly will pay for dinners. It doesn’t have to be super expensive. If you don’t know what a Michelin star is should you really be asking a man to take you to a restaurant that has 3 Michelin stars?

I’m just saying.

Will I go out for dinner at McDonald’s? Umm, nope. But, I will go to Friday’s or Ruby Tuesday’s if it’s not a pay week. I’m versatile.


  1. Well said and agreed. Also, like you said spending $300 (not sure how that number came about) says nothing about someone’s money situation. If it’s money your after and that’s your measuring stick, you could be walking into a hot mess. Having access to money is not the same thing as wealth.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel as though dining at an expensive restaurant as a way to stake your claim of ‘standard’ is a waste of energy and 80 bucks. If the intention of this bbgirl is to date with hopes of a relationship then I think this places her at a disadvantage. Even if most guys are pigs and of course do as for sex almost immediately, what if just this one time this guy is decent and just wants to get to know YOU over dinner? This requirement might turn him off completely and make you come off as high maintenance. Call me a hopeless romantic! lol

    Liked by 1 person

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