Here’s an excerpt of my journal entry from over 3 years ago when I was still in the newness of my failed marriage. Before custody and lawyers. We sought help from our pastor that married us. I wanted to share it with you as encouragement for someone. I know that my story is not unique, but I don’t want you to think that you can never overcome the pain.
Where was God in your marriage? That was the question that my Pastor had asked he and I last night when he met with us regarding our upcoming divorce. Where was God in your marriage? I stopped and put my head down. I was ashamed to admit that God wasn’t in our marriage.
He and I started out on the right track. Pre-marital counseling, praying together and reading our Bible together each night was how we had started off, but something changed. Life changed and we became easily broken. It was in that moment that I knew that we had pushed God out the door of our home and said, “God, we got this.” This was against what we were taught in pre-marital and what we knew from all of our years in the Church and our faith. We let the devil destroy us when we chose to put God out of our house and not lead us.
Wow! How could we do that? How could we sit here and say we had tried everything when the one thing we didn’t try was to bring God back to the head of our house? We spent our life trying to do it on our own. We can’t do it on our own. We can only do what God has us to do when HE is in our house and leading our lives.
You see for me if God had been the head all along, we may not have had as many struggles in our marriage. Not that it would have been perfect, but God would have always been there not giving up on us, but we gave up on Him. And in giving up on Him, we failed Him and each other. Trust was lost. Infidelity happened. Words destroyed. We became irreparably broken.
Now, I’m not going to say that I nor he was blameless, but if God had been in our home, couldn’t we have survived and not broken each other down to the core?
I learned something else…I am maniac in relationships. I spent the entire time of my marriage with one foot out the door and it was either all great or all bad, but never just a happy medium. I was scared. I was scared that he would wake up one day and realize that I wasn’t that great or worthy of him. I was scared if he knew how bad I felt about myself he wouldn’t love or want me anymore. I treated him like I knew he would always leave me. And he did. But, I realize that I was a major contributing factor to that. I can only accept what I’ve learned and try to work on me.
It was in my breakthrough last night that I realized he was never given a fair chance to love me because I was so busy destroying his ability to love me completely. I was afraid. I couldn’t do or be anything or everything he wanted me to be. I was afraid he would get too close and see all the flaws and run for the hills because it was too much to bear. I realized I needed help for my insecurities and I need to get to the root cause of my issues. I was afraid to be abandoned.
Wow, I’m fucked up!