My Journal Entry

Here’s an excerpt of my journal entry from over 3 years ago when I was still in the newness of my failed marriage. Before custody and lawyers. We sought help from our pastor that married us. I wanted to share it with you as encouragement for someone. I know that my story is not unique, but I don’t want you to think that you can never overcome the pain.

Where was God in your marriage? That was the question that my Pastor had asked he and I last night when he met with us regarding our upcoming divorce.  Where was God in your marriage? I stopped and put my head down.  I was ashamed to admit that God wasn’t in our marriage.

He and I started out on the right track.  Pre-marital counseling, praying together and reading our Bible together each night was how we had started off, but something changed.  Life changed and we became easily broken.  It was in that moment that I knew that we had pushed God out the door of our home and said, “God, we got this.”  This was against what we were taught in pre-marital and what we knew from all of our years in the Church and our faith.  We let the devil destroy us when we chose to put God out of our house and not lead us.

Wow! How could we do that?  How could we sit here and say we had tried everything when the one thing we didn’t try was to bring God back to the head of our house?  We spent our life trying to do it on our own.  We can’t do it on our own.  We can only do what God has us to do when HE is in our house and leading our lives.

You see for me if God had been the head all along, we may not have had as many struggles in our marriage.  Not that it would have been perfect, but God would have always been there not giving up on us, but we gave up on Him.  And in giving up on Him, we failed Him and each other.  Trust was lost.  Infidelity happened. Words destroyed. We became irreparably broken.

Now, I’m not going to say that I nor he was blameless, but if God had been in our home, couldn’t we have survived and not broken each other down to the core?

I learned something else…I am maniac in relationships.  I spent the entire time of my marriage with one foot out the door and it was either all great or all bad, but never just a happy medium.  I was scared.  I was scared that he would wake up one day and realize that I wasn’t that great or worthy of him.  I was scared if he knew how bad I felt about myself he wouldn’t love or want me anymore.  I treated him like I knew he would always leave me.  And he did.  But, I realize that I was a major contributing factor to that.  I can only accept what I’ve learned and try to work on me.

It was in my breakthrough last night that I realized he was never given a fair chance to love me because I was so busy destroying his ability to love me completely.  I was afraid.  I couldn’t do or be anything or everything he wanted me to be. I was afraid he would get too close and see all the flaws and run for the hills because it was too much to bear.  I realized I needed help for my insecurities and I need to get to the root cause of my issues.  I was afraid to be abandoned.

Wow, I’m fucked up!

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10 thoughts on “My Journal Entry

  1. I love this. The God in the marriage part, I do agree with. That looks different to everyone, but I lost God in my first marriage and I know that hurt. I didn’t attend church as regularly as I should have or wanted to and that was something I changed immediately after the break-up. The second part that really resonates with me is the one foot out the door the whole time. I made it very difficult for him to love me. Thank you for sharing this!! My heart felt very much like this nearly 6 years ago now. Today, I am in a much better place and each day is gets easier.

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    1. Thanks Stephanie! Yep, I realized that those were my mistakes. I will never do that again. I will never marry without being all in and I will never marry without God being in it constantly and consistently. The thing is that women can submit to the man that is being led by God. But, moreover we are marrying men for other reasons other than God said that is the man for us. That makes our relationships harder.

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  2. It looks like most of us were at least partly in the same place. It took two failed marriages for me to figure that out. I know that I didn’t want to be in the first marriage as soon as I did it. I knew it wouldn’t work but went through with it and had two children with him, too. The 2nd marriage lasted ten years and the last 5 years I spent the whole time trying not to leave until I couldn’t take it anymore. But I realized I couldn’t blame them for the failure. My problem, and one that many people have is that we try to change them into the people we think they should be. Like smoking – they knew it was bad so why didn’t they quit? I was going to nag them to death until they quit. It didn’t work – and that was just one thing. I am married again. 16 years and counting. I stopped thinking it was up to me to change him. This man is a smoker, too. ( Why did i keep marrying smokers? To learn this lesson?) My husband and I don’t argue. In all these years maybe 5 times we’ve had cross words. I never nag about anything. I show appreciation for everything he does. I had to learn how to love someone.

    Now, I am not a Christian. I am Buddhist. My husband is an Atheist, which works okay with Buddhism because I do not believe in a thinking entity that is outside of myself. It is inside. What happens in my life are the effects of the causes I have made, which is the same as “You reap what you sow.” There are many of the same teachings in both. I do respect the choices of others. If I have learned not to change my husband I have also learned that I can’t change someone’s faith, either. It is not up to me to convince anyone that I am right and they are wrong and there will never be a single religion in the world. We each find our own way that makes sense to us and enables us to climb the mountains that need climbing and learn to be happy.

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    1. Whew! Thanks for your comment. You are absolutely right. You reap what you sow and when we realize our own issues are preventing what we seek is when we find our true happiness. I wasn’t meant to marry my son’s father. It was not God’s will but my choice. I paid for my own decisions and I don’t regret it. I had a beautiful child out of it. But, I am truly thankful for the lessons learned. I won’t ever try to change someone and I will either accept them as they are or not at all.

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  3. I actually can relate to the same feelings of not being enough even now, when I’m not married or even in a relationship. I think this story will resonate with a lot of people, especially those from a church background who start their marriage off with God but eventually he gets set aside when things become comfortable. Like you said “we got this”. But isn’t that the way it is in life in general too? How often do we put our trust in God when something is new but as soon as we settle to the idea we say “we got this” and start to push God to the side? I know I am guilty of that far too often. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Yep, I do it. I was so ashamed because I didn’t understand what we were doing. Now that I have knowledge I try to wake up thankful and in prayer and in submission to his will and grace over my life. It’s still a daily struggle when I think I can do it by myself and realize that I really can’t.

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