Dating Chronicles: Insecurity

Have you ever dated a man or woman with real insecurity issues? I have. I dated a few men who had issues with women because their past relationships were so jacked up. They literally were living in a perpetual state of unhappiness and decided that deep down inside all women were bad.

It was hilarious at first and then a little depressing. How can we even begin to build if you are making me pay for the mistakes of your past girlfriends? Prime example, a couple of years ago I met this great guy on-line and we went out on a date. It was a combination between our first and second date.

How’s that possible? Well, we had stayed up the night prior talking all night. I mean it was like 5 hours of conversation. I fell asleep and then called him at 2:45 the next morning. He called me back at 4 am and then we talked until again until about 7 am. He was such a great conversationalist so I told him that either we had to meet for breakfast or I needed to get some sleep because I was exhausted.

We agreed to meet up and grab breakfast and all was cool. My breakfast sucked, but he was nice. After breakfast he said he had to run his Saturday errands but wondered if I would go out with him that evening. I agreed.

We went to dinner to this cool pizza place because pizza is my favorite food. It was a beautiful summer in DC and we decided to go for a walk by the White House and just enjoy the city. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. We had such a good time that we didn’t want the date to end.

So, he suggested that we grab drinks at the Sofitel (a luxury hotel). I agreed and we went to the bar and had a couple of drinks and began laughing and just enjoying the company again. There was no awkard conversation or long pauses that made me sigh and say “Well, I really should be getting back.” We just meshed well.

All in all I thought it was a great first/second date. I agreed to see him again. But, that didn’t last long.

My custody agreement made me unavailable for the week as I didn’t believe in sacrificing Munch’s time for a date with a man that I wasn’t in a relationship with so I had to postpone our next date for the following week. We spent the time talking on the phone and texting to build a friendship. No pressure.

Then one night in our sweet getting to know you conversations he tells me that he likes me. I smiled. I liked him too. He seemed nice. He then asked me “Are you dating anyone else?” I replied “Not at the moment.” He then asked me to not date anyone else.

Screech.

Say what now? Don’t date anyone else? Why not? He told me that he only dates one woman at a time and prefers that women do the same. He explained how he used to date a woman for over 6 months. He would take her out, spend the night at her house and she would spend the night at his house. He had assumed that they were in a relationship only to find out that they had a friends with benefit situation.

He was crushed. He stated since that time, he wants to make sure that he has an exclusive opportunity to compete for a woman’s time and affection. He dated one woman at a time and wanted the same from the women he was dating. I was confused because we really didn’t know each other.

It was at that moment that I knew that we couldn’t go any further. He had lost his damned mind. I wasn’t her. I told him that. He was letting his insecurity about a woman not giving him her all show its head in our first/second date. You can’t let the choices of one decide the future for others, mainly me. He didn’t understand.

I was frustrated. I had to walk away. I explained to him how I saw things. I told him that the reality of the situation is that most relationships will flow the way they are supposed to flow when a man steps up. If you don’t want me to date other men, keep my attention and my time and then you don’t have to worry about it.

That’s what Mr. C did. He didn’t ask me to stop dating other men. He just filled up my time and my thoughts became about him. I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to spend time with him. I actually missed him when we were apart.

Process of elimination. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get what you want and the rest will take care of itself.

5 Important Things That You Should Do In 2017

I absolutely love this. Check it out…

Stop carrying people’s burden: you are not a burden carrier. Let them bear their own problems. Yes, you can give a listening ear, give your advice and encouragement but do so and move on. You…

Source: 5 Important Things That You Should Do In 2017

The Third Love

Let me tell you about the types of men I’ve loved. Some good. Some bad. Was it all there fault? Nope. In many cases, I didn’t know who I was so they could never love me the way that I needed to be loved.

I didn’t know me.

I didn’t love me.

I couldn’t love them the way that they deserved to be loved.

Love was a concept to big to put in words and yet I desired it so much. I believed in it. I craved it. I wanted love and I needed to be loved.

Don’t most people?

What happens when you wake up and realize that you keep falling in love with the wrong type of people? What happens if that love abuses you or leaves you so messed up that you can’t fathom the pain of ever giving of yourself so completely? You sigh. You withdraw. You start to believe that you will never know love. True love.

That’s how I felt. I kept falling in love with the same kind of men. Until Mr. C. He was different. I couldn’t explain it. For the first time. I felt safe. I felt wanted. I felt loved. It was easy. It felt natural. It was healthy.

I was in shock. I was surprised. I was scared. I didn’t believe that a love without cursing or yelling, cheating or hitting was possible. We women are taught that no one is perfect and that we must fight for love. That love was hard.

However, that’s not true. I read this great article called  We Only Fall in Love with Three People in Our Lifetime – Each One for a Specific Reason by Kate Rose while perusing Facebook about a month ago. Man, this article was the truth.

This article had a profound effect because it basically summarized my  life story. I wasn’t alone. It basically said that we fall in love with three people in our lifetime:

  • Idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.
  • Hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved.
  • Third love  – the one we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be.

I’ve had 5 idealistic loves. I’m not sure if they knew it. We just existed in this space between fantasy and reality and planned lives we would never have and futures that wouldn’t be. We believed in fairy tales. These loves occurred between high school and college.

I’ve had 2 hard loves. These loves were painful. They were loves that I tried to fit. Loves that I wanted to mold and manipulate into the greatest love ever to be. But, they couldn’t. They weren’t designed to be my forever love. They were designed to teach me about myself. I was hurt. I was broken. They shaped my belief that this can’t be real. This can’t be the love that God has for me.

And then there was three. The third love from the third type of person. The love that just works. That’s the best type of love. I know because I have it. For the first time in my life.

You can too. We just have to get out of our own way and love ourselves enough to heal from love #2 to get to the third love.  We can’t let number #2 have all the power over how our lives turn out. We have to move past the pain,the anger, the resentment, the failure – all of it. Once we do, we allow ourselves to know and appreciate a safe and easy love.

Day 5: Seven Days of Thankfulness

I’m thankful for discernment.

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I haven’t always been able to judge well. I’ve trusted people that I shouldn’t have. I’ve allowed people in my life who shouldn’t have been there. I was young. I was naive. I didn’t know how to discern what it was that God wanted me to do.

But, I tell you that something happened when I turned 40. I trusted in the Master’s Plan for my life. I started to follow my inner voice and be able to discern what was His will and what was my will.

I began to grow. I began to watch my life manifest right before my eyes. Things started happening and chains started being broken. People started to leave. I began to feel alone. I cried out for God to help me and He sent people in my life that showed up and showed out. He shook my foundation and allowed some roots to stay planted where they were.

He was moving me in a different direction.

When I realized that it was God and that He was cleansing me from those who weren’t allowed to go to the next level with me I started to feel the power of His presence. Sense that He was ordering my steps. I bridled my tongue and endured some foolishness because I heard him clearly say that my destiny has been determined and you can’t afford to lose your way.

See, He knows what he is doing in my life and that there are folks in my life that are trying to distract me. My destiny is too important to give up for anything. Whew! I tell you that when I realized that it was He who was moving me in another direction, I adjusted the sails and set course for better days.

Discernment. I’m so thankful for that gift. I’m able to realize what is worth it and what isn’t. I won’t go back.

 

Day 3: Seven Days of Thankfulness

I am thankful for trials. My trials and tribulations have shaped me into the woman that I am. I continually endure things that people have no idea about. I don’t put my business on social media. But, trust me if you knew the real story you could understand a mustard seed of the faith that I have. My faith is unwavering in the fact that I know that I am a child of God. He changed my life. He thought I was worth saving. He took this little girl that was so broken by men and situations and He cleaned me up – both inside and out. Man, I tell you that you need to taste and see the goodness of God.

Trials and people tried to break me, but I’m thankful for those things and people that didn’t break me. Chains were broken and I grew stronger. I’ve triumphed over those tribulations and I’m ready for what is to come.

Motivational Monday Moment – 9/19/16

Happy Monday Folks!

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is meant to inspire you to pray. I’ve had an exhausting 24 hours. It was stressful and I allowed some things to stress me when I shouldn’t have. I know.

It’s my fault.

I was disturbed in my spirit and trying to get my emotions under control. I wish I could tell you that I have all the answers and that I’m not easily stressed, but I don’t. I’m human. I make MANY mistakes.  One of the many mistakes is getting sucked into the drama and issues of others.

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I’m emotional. I need to learn to not get sucked into drama and just pray. It’s hard though. I want to fight and argue and make a case for my side when you know what? It really doesn’t matter. I can’t change someone’s mind. I can only control my actions and me.

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I don’t owe anyone anything. I just need to be the best person that I can be. I need to keep my head in the game and stop feeling the need to validate who I am and what I am doing. I owe nothing to no one.

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When I am stressed beyond belief I forget how to pray sometimes. Has that ever happened to you? When there is so much noise in your head that your head is pounding and you forget that the only way out is to pray?

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I do. Been there. Done that. Multiple times. Even when I was alone, I knew that I was truly not alone. He was right there with me. Waiting patiently for me to come to him.

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However, I want to remind each of us how easy it is to pray through our problems. You are never alone. Just call on Him. How do you call on Him? Just by doing this…

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Call on the name of Jesus. Sometimes all you can do is just say “Jesus” and you can start to feel His power working in you. He wants us to call Him. Why? Because there is power in the name of Jesus.

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Trust me when I tell you that all you have to do is call on His name because there is power there. I know because this morning I was all out of sorts…angry, defensive and frustrated. I felt alone and I needed to get my mind right before coming into work.

You know what it was? I broke my normal routine. I usually wake up and pray and read devotionals and have prayer with Mr. C. We didn’t do it this morning. He changed his work hours and I got Munch into before and after care at school so our schedules were off. When he called me I was trying to finish up and get out of the door.

I got in the car and told him about a situation that frustrated the heck out of me. I was angry, perturbed and frankly stressed out this morning. He tried to calm me down. He said “Babe, you need to pray”. I responded “Yeah, I need to pray.” It was in a snarky town because I was in a snarky mood. We were not getting along well this morning.

But, you know what? He was right. I needed to pray. My mind was out of sorts and I was not being as I should be. I owned it. I allowed outside things to change me. I needed Jesus. I needed to pray. I needed to have my spirit renewed and refreshed. And you know what it worked.

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I started to feel better. What did I do? Nothing. I just went before the throne this morning. I owned my mood and said  a prayer…

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Dear Father,

Hallowed be thy Name

Help me this morning Lord.

I’m coming to you asking for help

You know what I’m going through

You know the pains that are disturbing my spirit

Help me to erase the pain and know that all things

work according to Your will.

That if it is in your will it will be fine.

Allow my spirit to find peace in your words and my mind to be anchored in you

Let me remember that you are sovereign and that no weapon formed

against me shall prosper

Jesus.

There’s nothing like calling the sweet name of Jesus.

Dear Lord please give my weary spirit rest. Help me to forgive those that mean me harm

Teach me how to seek peace and understanding for those who trespass against me.

Teach me how to pray for those that wish me harm.

Dear Lord you are the only true God

so it is in you will that I want to humbly reside.

Bear with me Lord.

I am weak.

I am human.

Renew my mind and renew my spirit.

Amen.