Patiently Waiting

Patience.

I have none. 

I’m working on it.

I try.

I fail.

I get frustrated.

I thought having kids was supposed to teach me patience? It hadn’t. I’m impatient.

I want what I want when I want it. So says everyone. But, I argue…who doesn’t?

My patience was tested when I met Mr. C. He didn’t do what I wanted him to do when I wanted him to do it. He resisted.

The more I pulled, the more he resisted. He was trying to teach me patience. I was willing to walk away because he wasn’t moving fast enough.

Sad, but true. We dated four months before we went away to NYC and spent the weekend. We agreed to wait on sex, but you know that he didn’t even kiss me? Nope. Not one kiss.

I was so hurt. I felt unlovable. I felt undesirable. I felt as though he were leading me on? Why? Because he didn’t try to jump my bones.

It’s true.

I was acting a damned fool.

I had prayed to God to send me someone that would love and respect me. Here God was delivering a wonderful man to date and court my spirit and respect my body and I was mad because he wasn’t trying to sleep with me or kiss me.

Pathetic huh?

But, as a woman I grew up to believe that a man’s sexual attraction to you meant that you were somehow worthy to be wanted. So, here this man was not wanting me and that really messed me up. I mean he didn’t even kiss me. It was Valentine’s Day for crying out loud.

I tried to leave him. To walk away. To end it now before I fell in love with a man that really just wanted to be friends with me.

He stopped me. He talked to me. He confronted me.

I was ashamed.

He explained that he was respecting God’s will in my life and where I’m at in my faith and that kissing would make him want me. Sexually. He explained that since we were waiting that he wanted to take it slow and not be tempted.

I laughed.

Embarrassed as hell.

He did find me attractive. He wanted to take his time getting to know me.  He wanted the same things that I did. 

I needed to learn patience.

It’s hard as hell sometimes.

Our first kiss? Was 8 months after we started dating. But, I wanted more.

I wanted exclusivity.

We’ve been dating for 8 months man! Where is this going? Are we going to date each other exclusively? Tell me something before I walk away.

I mean, I can reopen my online dating profiles. I can accept dinner invitations from old friends.  I can be less available to you. 

I was being impatient again.

We became an official couple 10 months after we started dating. He’s a patient man. I’m an impatient woman. Maybe that’s why we work. Opposites attract.

I’m patient with something though. Marriage. I don’t want to rush marriage. I love the space we’re in and want to take it slow. 

I need a couple of years. Maybe three. My therapist and some of my friends think that’s too long. 

I don’t care. I asked Mr. C what he thought. He said he would wait for me.

I love that.

During this time, I promise to learn. To learn patience. To appreciate the wait.