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It’s Time To Accept The Emotional Shift In Men

Are men “more emotional” now? Or, have men’s emotions been repressed all this time by socialization, tradition, norms, rearing, and conditioning?

A few questions

Why do you see men dying much faster than women outside our reluctance to visit the doctor? Why do you see so many men dying of depression and hypertension? Why do you see far more men (than women) shooting up schools and committing mass murders?
In his article about male violence, Jesse J. Prinz of Psychology Today says:
Men perpetrate about 90 percent of the world’s homicides and start all of the wars. A recent article in a prominent science journal contends that evolution has shaped men to be warriors. More specifically, the authors claim that men are biologically programmed to form coalitions that aggress against neighbors, and they do so in order to get women, either through force or by procuring resources that would make them more desirable. The male warrior hypothesis is alluring because it makes sense of male violence, but it is based on a dubious interpretation of the science.
The numbers are alarmingly slanted towards men vs women. You see men in movies and on television running around killing 1000 people without dropping one tear. That is the reality men have to live up too. Be like that guy! Hard, no-fear, no pain, no hurt.  Be sophisticated and savvy like James Bond, never waver, do not let any man beat you at anything.  

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Photo Credit: Jordan Whitt
Well shit… I hurt, I feel pain, and I wanna cry (sometimes) dammit. So call me a punk. Call me less than a man.

Emotional athletes

What about sports? We label these men as, “warriors.” Until…. you see them crying on the sideline .
Then, you say….”he’s being too emotional.” You look at this man, as, well… “less than a man.” Why? Because he’s in touch with his emotions and the other men aren’t? Or, maybe because society doesn’t let men cry. So, as result, you see repressed emotion on the field. The only emotions these men show is anger and aggression.  That’s what we pay for right? Gladiators. Well, even Gladiators had feelings.

To make matters worse

You see young boys being taught they shouldn’t cry, don’t be a punk, you’re a sissy if you express yourself, don’t talk too much, “get-up (from a fall) that didn’t hurt!” Meanwhile we embrace the exact opposite in women. Women live longer and more fulfilling lives as a result. Societal pressures have doomed men. This was inevitable. Women have begun to jilt their societal and traditional “garb” and have traded up for business suits, careers, expression, aggression, leadership, stabilization of finances, and independence. I applaud these women for having the courage to go against the grain.. and I side-eye, sneer and laugh at the men that don’t accept them.
 
Basically, there is a shift going on. Not women becoming stronger than men. Not men becoming more “feminine.” Just humans realizing that we were created to evolve.
Are you prepared?
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Ladies – Do You Groom?

I’m not talking in general, but specifically when you go to the gynecologist. Do you groom your body before a pap smear or gynecologist exam? I mean I can’t be the only woman who thinks it is important when heading to the gynecologist to make sure that my pedicure is fresh and everything else from the top to body is as well.

I only book early morning appointments if I can help it. I also make sure that my legs are shaved, my feet finely shaped and no hammer toes or cracked skin. Yep, I still lotion my body from head to toe. I don’t use spray in between my legs because I don’t want it to mess up any cultures or exam. However, I refuse to let myself look like I just woke up and came out when someone is between my legs.

Especially a medical professional.

I had my exam yesterday with one of the male doctors in the practice and I swear he gets cuter every year. He’s not even 40 yet. This man diagnosed me 9 years ago with preeclampsia and he was only 31. He circumcised my son and has been a vital part of my medical history for the last 9 years since I arrived at the practice.

There is never awkwardness between my gynecologist and I. Great conversation and sincere concern about my health. He’s given me great advice on my weight loss and overall health. He’s also pretty hot.

He told me when he finished looking in between my legs that he liked my red toe nail polish. He noticed. Aww, it was the little things.

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Guest Blogger Post: …and some are TOADS!

For my entire life, I have heard that “All Men are Dogs”, to some extent that is true, but, some are “TOADS”.

Like so many of us women, when we were young girls growing up, we wanted that Prince Charming. We wanted the fairy tale life that we read about.  We wanted the white picket fence, a great job, and 2.5 children (I never understood the 2.5 children).

Unfortunately, many of you have not found your “KING” because you do not want to kiss the “TOADS”!

TOADS, yes!  Many of you are overlooking the toads.  You are overlooking them because they do not look good to you on paper.  They are not the ones that you have vision/dreamt that you would be with.  Many of them do not have the six figure income, they have children, they have baby momma/mommas drama (I think 2 baby mommas is the limit), drive a hooptie, live in an apartment, and so on.  Yet, they have dreams.  They dream of having their QUEENS, they are not looking for a helping hand, they are looking for support, but, yet they get overlooked.

These men are teachers, nurses, factory workers, coaches, policemen, mechanics, truck drivers, managers, small business owners, correctional officers, and I could go on and on.

They are overlooked because they do not meet your standards; so they are passed over.

These TOADS are not on your list. Why? Because you never gave them a chance. You judged them by their appearance, what they drove, what they wore, and where they worked. You never acknowledged him. You never got to know their heart, their desires, and their dreams. You didn’t get to know the man. You blew off the TOAD!

He could be the GREATEST PROVIDER. He may not have the six-figure income, but, you can enhance and encourage him to go back to school and help him to further his education and his goals. He will not let you do it alone. He will contribute and will be very proud to do so. His credit score may be a 650-700 or lower, help him to change it. You may be the bread winner, but you do not have to throw it in his face…Trust me he knows.

He is a GREAT PROTECTOR. He will fight for your honor. If someone hurts you, he is ready to go to WAR!

He is a GREAT COMMUNICATOR. He is willing to share his dreams with you. He talks about “US”. He is knowledgeable, he is intelligent. He can/will surprise you with some of his conversations. He doesn’t just know about sports, there are other things that he could teach you.

He is EMOTIONAL. He will let you see his hurts, his tears, and his pain. He will listen to your needs and desires, your hurt, your pain, and offer comfort instead of blowing you off.

He is a GREAT COOK! He must be able to cook more than Ramen Noodles. If he is a great cook, ladies you got it made.

He is GREAT IN BED! He is willing to let you take the wheel in bed. He is willing to allow you to be you with him. He is ready to be handcuffed, tied up, or whatever when it comes to satisfying your “bedroom desires”.

Ladies, get to know the MAN before you brush him off.

You can turn that TOAD into a KING! He is looking for his QUEEN, too!

If I had been focusing on appearance, I would not have found my KING. Sure, I was young, just starting life, but I knew he was the one for me. We have been together for 17 years; married for 12 years. He is all of the above.

I didn’t find the “Perfect Man”, but I found the “Perfect Man for ME!” We have grown together. It hasn’t been easy but we have made it.

I hope you enjoyed.

Life may not go as you planned, but it is worth LIVING!

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This post was written by my fellow blogger at A Flawed Ruby. Check her out at www.aflawedruby2015.com

Happy

“Cause I like to see you happy.” – Mr. K

Yesterday, I was emailing Mr. K back and forth and he was making me laugh with the funny things he was saying in his email. He had me in stitches. I responded, “I’m smiling and that’s a good thing that you can make that happen on a consistent basis.” He responded “I like to make you smile”. I asked why and he responded “Cause I like to see you happy”.

Deer in headlights moment for me.

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I had NEVER EVER had a man tell me that he likes to see me happy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated men that probably felt that way, but never did someone ever tell me that they like to see me happy. Do you know how that felt? No?

Let me see…Amazing. Overwhelming. Incredible. Mind-blowing. Earth shattering. Awesome.

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I really can’t pick an adjective to describe the emotions that I felt, but it felt good. I had this permanent “happy face” all day. Is this possible? With all that I have going on could I actually be cheesing over something so simple and yet powerful? Yeah.

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I’m complicated, moody, neurotic, uber analytical, nerdy, smart, loving, humble and grateful and he likes that. I’m not saying that he thinks I’m perfect. I’m sure there are some things he finds annoying, but in the depth of what he sees and says about me, he likes to see me happy.

Me.

No one has ever said that they like to see me happy. Wow! I’m grateful that I met a really nice guy that doesn’t ask for anything other than to spend time getting to know me. Who sees me as nerdy, complicated and over-analytical and then just wants me to know that he wants me to stop doing too much and just let someone else carry the load.

Umm, I’m speechless. Doesn’t happen often. However, I’m grounded in the fact that God puts people in your life for a reason, season or lifetime. I wonder what Mr. K is in my life for? Not sure. But, I’m overwhelmed by the fact that he likes to see me happy.

Flattered Woman Smiling --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

 

Has Anything Changed?

On Wednesday, I was looking at my “Timehop” application on my phone and it showed that five years ago I posted this on Facebook:

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Interesting that when I posted this I was happily married and not even really understanding the plight of single black women when it comes to finding a man. Why? Because I had a man. I could empathize with my sisters from a married woman’s perspective, but I couldn’t feel their weight when it comes to finding a man.

Fast forward five years later and I am one of those women. Starting over and trying to figure out the state of relationships among black women and black men in their 30’s and 40’s. Now, what’s interesting about this conversation with my friend was that we were discussing the relationships among blacks but using a fictitious white couple as a measure of success. Why? Because this was our point of reference for TV. We are both successful people, but black women and/or men as leading characters on prime time weren’t shown. Not in our age group.

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It’s five years later and we have points of reference in fictitious characters on television that resonate with us as a people. We have Olivia Pope (Scandal – ABC) and Mary Jane Paul (Being Mary Jane – BET) that show strong and successful women trying to navigate dating and relationships. This is my reality. I know many successful women in my circle who are in the same boat. Looking for their Mr. Big. Is it wrong? No.

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Let me tell you why…I worked my butt off. Hard. I stayed focus and stayed out of trouble. I was the 2nd grandchild out of 30 to attend college. Unheard of right? I focused on being able to take care of myself. No babies. No drugs and no jail. If I did everything right, shouldn’t I expect to find someone on the same level? Is having expectations for my potential mate a bad thing?

No.

Last week there was a post about how black women marry down more than any other group. You get it? We marry down instead of out. We fail to practice “assortative mating” which basically means that we choose spouses that haven’t obtained degrees like we have. Now, this was a hot topic on many of the blogs that I subscribe to with women saying that they won’t marry down. Let’s keep these two issues separate for now. Marrying down could be solely financial but there are many men who didn’t go to college but went to a trade school and make more money than their spouse. Think electrician, plumber or even auto mechanic.

When we marry “down” instead of “outside of our race” we are in essence creating wealth inequality and have a harder time trying to balance work/life than if both partners had gone to college and could afford private school. The idea that we are choosing spouses based off of love became non-existent. The study suggests that black women should choose partners based off the person that can provide for you to not create this gap in wealth. Umm, now marriage is a business transaction? I had issues with this whole argument, but moving past that and getting back to my what’s wrong with wanting Mr. Big – nothing!

It’s not about the shoe purchases, fancy dinners and a black card, but a man’s ability to take care of business. To be able to date a woman on his level that appreciates him and the things that he can bring to the table. We need to stop thinking that women are gold diggers when there are a reasonable number of people making decisions off a person’s look instead of their background, character or values. Money doesn’t make the man and good looks won’t keep the woman.

There is nothing wrong with having expectations and standards when it comes to dating. You have that right. You owe no one anything when it comes to making choices about your personal life and what you want out of a partner. I get it! Heck, if we’re being honest there are many men who don’t want to date me because I’m a plus sized woman. I’m okay with that. Your choice and your loss. I know my worth.

So, if I want a Mr. Big, I’m going to get him. You better believe that I’m bringing my Olivia Pope Mary Jane Paul entrepreneurial skills and business savvy mixed with my Carrie Bradshaw appreciation for the man who appreciates and respects me.

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It’s not the Manolo’s (no matter how beautiful) that matter, but the man himself. Find someone that is your Mr. Big and don’t settle! carrie-and-mr-big

A Poem of Friendship by Nikki Giovanni

For my friend…

We are not lovers
because of the love
we make
but the love
we have
We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don’t want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak
I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

-by Nikki Giovanni