Podcast 06: Knowing When It’s Time To Let Go

knowing-time-let-go

I want to share my 6th podcast with you all (I’ve been on podcast hiatus for a few weeks contemplating the universe and it’s creation)… I believe that oftentimes we want a thing so badly, we’re willing to go through hell to get it. The fact that we waited so long, fought so hard, that we don’t want to let it go when we finally have it.  I’ve been that guy.

Have you ever been in relationship or dated someone for a time, only to find out you should have let them go long before you did? The signs were there, but you held on? Or maybe you had separation anxiety and you were too fearful of being single again.

In today’s podcast, I will talk about the obvious (and not-so-obvious) signs of separation anxiety. Also, when you should stay, when you should go, and coping with hanging on to a relationship past it’s expiration date.

Please click on the stream below to listen:
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https://www.spreaker.com/user/10276049/podcast-06-knowing

If you would like to direct download this podcast, please click play below.

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The Curious Case Of The Often Ignored Red Flag

ignored-red flags

That notorious red flag. We’ve all seen them. We’ve all ignored them, and later acted like we didn’t see a thing.

You know the role, we’ve all played it well. When we act like the person we’re dating, changed into a different person overnight—when they were the same person we discovered them to be a week into the dating process. They never changed, they were always the same. Those blinders are semi-permeable. We see what we want to see at times, to, “enjoy the ride,” or, “maybe it’s nothing.” When in fact that red flag is, everything.

Dating Is Already Difficult

While dating can be fun, the process of vetting can be exhausting. There are countless dating blogs about the misadventures of each dater, where they chronicle each experience they’ve had. So, the challenges are well documented.

So how do we still fall for the, “banana in the tailpipe?”

“The mind is the most skilled Photoshopper. It can rationalize anything and paint any picture of anyone, depending on our initial perspective. There is a psychological phenomenon known as the ‘confirmation bias,’ where we are inclined to discard all evidence that does not align with our views and only keep those that do. And with a potentially toxic person, they have worked to create a false positive impression to worm their way into your heart. So even if they do something bad or say something that’s off, you may think, ‘He’s only this way because he went through X.’ This is when ticking boxes of ‘Is he rude to the waiter?’ ‘Is he nice to his family members?’ doesn’t work. He could be all that — the sleekest toxic people are. But underlying it, if he says things like, ‘So they’ll treat us better the next time,’ or he has a mean mouth towards some people, and if you find yourself justifying his transactional mindset or meanness, then it’s time to pause and step back. Our brains work overtime to convince us of someone who’s not good for us, even when our guts know it.”

-Perpetua Neo

A Few Red Flags

Their communication is spotty…

…and inconsistent. Nothing is worse than rarely being able to reach someone. I’m not just talking about a phone call either. I”m talking about all forms of communication. Direct messenger, text message, email, smoke signal, and carrier pigeon are all unsuccessful.

This is why communication is so important. This person doesn’t necessarily have to be doing anything disrespectful or unsavory. They truly could be busy, or bad with prioritization—which is another issue (or red flag).

They love to challenge you

This is one of my pet peeves. Every-single-thing you say, or do… they have to interject, show they’re better, offer some opinion to the contrary, or confront you . This reeks of

insecurity, or an inferiority and/or superiority complex. Don’t be surprised that when you find an inferiority complex within, that there’s a superiority complex hidden beneath it. One compensates for the other.

This person cannot bear the idea of their inferiority, so they overcompensate in other areas that will test you. They feel as though they are superior (in compensation mode) when

they are actually not. An example would be… a man with a small penis would feel inferior to a well-endowed man. So he will overcompensate with an over-exuberance of oral sex. Another example would be someone who truly feels they are inferior to another race of men/women, and uses every opportunity to tear them down, so they can feel superior. This may occur when you give a compliment to someone in the race they feel superior to. These comments may come off as jokes, or back-handed, passive comments.

They want to test your boundaries constantly

This person wants to see how far they can get you.

  • You tell them you’re not ready for sex, and they still try to seduce you, or engage in sexual conversation.
  • You’re not ready for them to meet your family, or children and they make you feel bad about it with a “guilt-trip.”
  • From the beginning you told them certain days you are unavailable, and they still try to plan outings or meet-ups on those days.
  • You may not like talking about how much money you make, so they ask you, “what do you do you?”
  • They may not like your style of dress, or the way you wear your hair. Or, even the way your house is decorated. So they “low-key” offer suggestions.

Your intuition, foresight and “Spidey-Sense” kick-in

Then, your gut tells you…

  • “Nah… something ain’t right…”
  • Then you say to yourself…”he/she is cool, but I just don’t know about them…”
  • You feel this tingling in your head that says, “THIS AIN’T THE ONE!”
  • She complains a lot, but maybe she’s going through something.
  • I’m always pulling my wallet out when we spend time.
  • Why are all her photos from the neck-up?
  • They talk about themselves all the time
  • He/she is always talking about his/her ex.
  • They are a total narcissist. Always pointing the finger, always projecting.

So what do you do?

You date them anyway. When they mess up, or manage to arch your eyebrow, you justify their actions. You overlook the red flags that are presented to you on a silver platter. Later on down the road, maybe a few months or so, things go Topsy-turvy, and you’re now in reflection/hindsight mode.

My point… signs are always there. Although they are difficult to read at times, they are always there. Some people can detect red flags immediately because they literally look for them. Others do not look for them and get, “caught slipping.” Of course there are those that fall in the middle. They see the red flags, question them, and when the line is dropped in the water—they bite. Typically this is because they want it to work out so badly, you love them… or, you’ve had sex with this person, and their judgement is clouded. Even worse, they know there’s something wrong, and stay regardless out of desperation, or low self-esteem.

Choices Choices

We always have a choice. We can act on the red flag(s), or, we can can ignore them. If you choose to ignore them, be ready to reap the whirlwind. Remember, not all red flags are truly red flags. It’s best to communicate your concerns. If the person becomes defensive, that could be another red flag. Regardless, you need to voice your concerns. Never hesitate. If you do, it’s to your own detriment.

You may find out that the red flag truly was a false alarm. If you never bring it up, you will never know until it’s further down the line. Even worse, you may never find out, or you may find out when you’re in a relationship, or married to this person. Obviously this isn’t ideal.

Keep your eyes open, and happy discerning!

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Welcome To My Love, Dating & Relationships Podcast

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Hey everyone,

This will be short. I want to take some time out to thank everyone who has supported all my posts, blogs, vlogs.  Now, I want to introduce to you my new podcast about love, dating, and relationships.

I’m already on episode 03 Courtship vs. Dating.

If you’d like to hear the first two podcasts, follow the link below.

For those of you who have already read my blog on Courtship vs Dating, I expound on the subject even more on 3.26.18

Please click the link below, and then click the follow button on the home page to be notified whenever a new podcast is released. You can follow with Facebook, Twitter or Google+.

If you have any questions that you’d like to be addressed on the show, please submit them to:
relationshipsetcetera.com/contact

Subject: JustLsn Podcast

 

Thanks in advance!

 

 

Motivational Monday Moment – 10/24/16

Today’s Motivational Monday Moment is to L-O-V-E. Yep, I just want you to love more. Love who? Love God, love you and others more.

I was inspired to write about love because I attended the wedding of my former supervisor’s daughter. It was in the mountains and 6 hours from my house. Munch and I got up early Saturday morning and I drove the 6 hours to the wedding. Thankfully, the hotel let us check-in a little early so I could get some rest.

We arrived to the wedding literally 5 minutes before the start because I got lost. It was at a beautiful estate and it was outside with nature serving as the backdrop. We took our seats and the wedding got underway. The bride looked amazing. The groom was debonair and love was definitely in the air.

As I sat there with my Galaxy S7 taking photos (in between the prayers of course) I began to reflect on love. God’s love for me, my love for Munch, my love for my family and my friends, my love of self and my love of Mr. C. I began to realize that none of it would have been possible had God not loved me.

Follow me with my Motivational Monday Moment okay? I promise I won’t keep you too long.

God’s love is what I want to talk about first.  You see, I spent my whole life believing that God didn’t love me. That because of my sexual abuse and my dad’s desertion that somehow I was unlovable. That if man couldn’t love me…how could God?

The devil was taking advantage of my mind when God started to protect it. He got a hold of my mind and started blocking the devil. He blocked my suicide, he blocked any unwanted pregnancies, he blocked any diseases. He blocked it. I just didn’t know it.

I was too into the world and going through hell that I couldn’t realize how God was holding me. That my sanity and soberness was because God was protecting me. But, when I started to realize that I serve a mighty God, things started happening.

I started to realize that God has not forgotten me. That even when the world around me seems as though it is falling apart, I serve a mighty God. I serve a God of second, third and many more chances. A God whose love is unconditional.

That realization changed who I was. I started to have a greater relationship with my heavenly father and myself. Love didn’t seem so foreign to me. Love was priceless and I was worthy of God’s love.

We all are.

I couldn’t experience anything greater if I tried than knowing God’s love. Sure, I make mistakes. I stumble on my Christian journey often. But, I’m thankful for grace and mercy and God’s continued love.

God was definitely in the mountains on that brisk evening this past Saturday. He was in the cold breeze that nipped at our nose, in the prayer that the Reverend said over the couple and in the twilight where the couple had their first dance. God was and is the foundation of all love.

 

 

Hardly

“Don’t you get it? I’m not afraid of letting go. I’m afraid of accepting the fact that….he already has.” – Shahz, For the Love of Sass

Yes, I read this post yesterday from one of my fellow bloggers and was like “Yass girl! Preach!” Isn’t that the case with most of us? When we’ve loved someone and moved on and realized that they have too and that part hurts the heck out of us? Been there and done that.

It’s part of being selfish. See, I loved this man so much that I believed my spirit was bonded to his. That my heart beat for him. We were truly soul mates (you get the picture right?) in ever sense of the word. He was the peanut butter to my strawberry jam.

Love.

Lovers.

Friends.

Complicated.

We went through all those stages and it hurt like hell. Why? Because somewhere deep inside I realized that even though I loved him, left him and moved on I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that he has. I couldn’t even tell my closest friends this fundamental truth because I didn’t want them to think I was crazy as hell.

How could I love someone, know that we weren’t compatible, leave him and then get mad or be hurt at the fact that he moved on? Because I’m a woman. I’m human. I’m selfish. I know, but sometimes we’re selfish in love.

We’re better off with the way things are now. I’m happy. He seems happy and I hardly think about him.

Happy February

Happy February Folks!

As mentioned in last Friday’s post, I wanted to spend the first half of the month posting each day leading up to Valentine’s Day about love. I wanted to give you the good, bad, ugly and everything in between posts about love. It’s 14 days of a love fest. Should be interesting. First post will be in a couple of hours.

The next 15 days after Valentine’s Day will be devoted to Black History pioneers. I will still post some updates about my life (parenting, relationships, resolutions, fitness, etc) in the mix, but I want to highlight some of those awesome people that came before me or are currently making strides in today’s society. I’m super excited and I hope you are too!

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