It’s Tuesday. I told ya’ll last week that I had started to meditate. I’m up to two minutes now. Small feat for some, but for me this is huge. I can’t turn off my mind. It’s always moving.
Well, this is what came to me this morning: Trust the process. See, I needed to think about these words. They were floating in my mind and spirit. I was shocked about the words because I’m a very analytical person. I’m emotionally trying to push myself out of my comfort zone. It’s hard.
What is My Process?
I started on-line dating again about 4 weeks ago. It’s interesting. I’m just trying to trust the process with these men. You know go with the flow which I hate, but I get it. My friend, Jay talked about it a couple of years ago. Dating sucks. Some men are obviously dealing with emotional traumas and are trying to get into a new relationship to unload on the unsuspecting partner and others are trying to play the field and see what they can get from the last one standing. Then there is a small group that is just there. I’m not sure who they are yet. They try to show consistency in calling, texting and vying for my time and attention.
I feel weird because I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t want to believe that I could meet another wonderful man like Mr. C. I can’t seem to grasp that fate would allow me to be that fortunate again. But, I don’t want to seem like a negative Nancy. Ya’ll know that I can be sort of a pessimist, right? So, I sit back and wonder and overthink about the probability of such a thing happening and you know what? It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.
Three’s The Magic Number
There are three men that seem to be decent at the moment. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop because I don’t want to be catfished or kittenfished. However, knowing how I eliminate people that number may be zero by the end of the week. LOL. No, seriously I have a low threshold for bulls*it. I am straight forward and direct and it’s hard for some men to take. I am not rude but I don’t believe in sending mixed messages when I’m trying to deliver a message by adding a lot of niceties that don’t get to the real issue. So, I’m an either you do or don’t like type of girl and I’m okay with that. But, let me tell you about the three that have passed through the initial scrutiny.
- Mr. T – Is 6’1, a commercial pilot, funny, believes in global warming (you know how hard it is for me to find a black man that believes in that?) and has deep conversations. Problem is that he is a pilot and travels A LOT. He assured me that he can get breaks because his schedule is planned out a month in advance and as long as I tell him something in advance then he can request those days off. He’s not afraid of the distance. I don’t like long distance relationships. But, you can live 30 minutes away from someone and not see them frequently so I get it. He’s from Tennessee, has a career, believes in family and said he’s willing to make time. Interesting. But, he is still an enigma so I don’t put much stock in the unanswered. Just trying to figure out his angle and just listening.
- Mr. D – Is 5’7, an IT guy and very knowledgeable about a lot of things. An activist (sometimes too much so). A gentleman and he is somewhat funny. He is in a gray area with me because during our first time trying to video chat the connection was bad and he said he would video chat me back. Well, I got out of the car and my phone slipped on the seat and I went to go and meet my girlfriend for dinner. Didn’t know that I didn’t have my cell phone. I always carry it everywhere in case Munch calls. But, when I realized that I must have left it in the car, I didn’t leave dinner to get it, I just finished up my meal and went back to my car when we were done. I get back to my car and check my call history and he had called twice and sent me a message. His message said that he would lose my number. I was shocked. So, I called him and left him a voicemail that I was confused and concerned about his message as he knew I had plans and that I had left my phone in the car by accident. I said “If you want to call back cool, if not I wish you God’s speed and be blessed.” He called back immediately and apologized immensely. I just can’t seem to shake that experience though so I’m cautiously observing his behavior. Add to the fact that he started a new job late last year and has to travel 60% of the time for the first two years and I’m left wondering who he will be or who I will be when he returns.
- Mr. R – Is a IT Program Manager and very funny. He’s 47 and all of his children are grown. He had his first child at 14. Yep, 14. So, how does he feel about someone who is 44 with a 10 year old? Cool. He’s excited and wants to include Munch in on things early. I’m still on the fence about that. You know how I feel about Munch meeting men that are strangers but we’ll see. However, he said something that gave me pause because he’s never been married and has strong opinions about being married. Don’t most people? But, he seriously said he wouldn’t marry me keeping my ex-husband’s last name. I was like Whoa? I kept my married name because my son asked me to when he was 7. My ex-husband thought I should keep it but Munch asked me because he felt like people wouldn’t know I was his mommy so I kept it for him. I always swore that if I married before Munch was 18 that I would hyphenate my name. I would in essence add my new husband’s name on it. He didn’t like that. He said he’s adamant about marrying in front of God and me not having my ex’s name. Hmm? So, I’m not budging and I am against disappointing the child I gave life to on this issue. What’s in a name? I’m not going back to my maiden name to then marry a man and change my name. That’s ludicrous.
Decoding my Reality
What does all this mean? Not a damn thing. No seriously. It doesn’t.
I’m learning to stay the course and be observant. To trust the process and go with the flow. I believe in love and I believe that I will meet an amazing man that will love me and Munch like Mr. C (only better). I believe that the one for me is out there and he will just love me where I am. It takes a lot to convince me that you’re not crazy so part of trusting this process is knowing that I’m not going anywhere and I’m cool with riding this lazy river until I find another love. There’s no rush.