Have you ever been in a situation where you were mad as hell about something with someone you loved and you didn’t know how to talk about it? That happened with me and Mr. C this week. It’s true. We had our first real issue and I was mad as hell and ready to walk the hell away from the man who gave me butterflies and makes me feel safe.
It started on Monday when we had lunch. I was talking to him about something and his response made me feel insignificant. Like I didn’t matter. I felt like the months that we’ve spent building and creating this safe and secure relationship was all in vain. For the first time, I felt like I was the butt of the joke where I had this great relationship and then it just was all fake.
I struggled with my feelings all day and night long. I was emotional and wanted to scream. I sought advice from my friends because I needed guidance. I needed an outside opinion on what the hell happened. How do I turn back the clock and get the man that I fell in love with back?
Differing opinions on how I should handle the situation. When men advised me to leave him alone, I cried. Why are you crying they would ask? I would tell them that God told me. That God told me that Mr. C was the man that I was going to marry. I wondered if God had made a mistake.
I know it was crazy. God doesn’t make mistakes, but I was really going through it. I was wallowing in despair and looking for a life jacket. I needed rescuing bad. But, no one was helping me. No one could help me feel better.
I went to sleep that night tossing and turning and my spirit was in a place of unrest. I had a stomach ache the next morning and I was exhausted. I talked to a friend that morning and he gave me these great words of encouragement about talking to Mr. C…”It doesn’t matter if they don’t have a problem with it. You do and you should address it.”
There it was.
I had a problem with how our conversation went and how I felt that we were on two different pages, hell in two different books. I had to talk to him. I couldn’t keep talking to everyone around me but him. I needed to muster up the strength and tell him how I felt even if it meant that I had to walk away in the end.
So, I called him 5 minutes before I pulled up to my office. After a minute of pleasantries I just told him that my spirit was in unrest after our conversation yesterday. I told him how I felt like he didn’t care about me. That I didn’t matter. I explained that I let him into my life no matter how messy it is or was, but how could I support him when he won’t let me in?
I went on and on for about 5 minutes straight and told him that if I told him what he had said to me that he would be pissed too. He agreed. He then said something that I wasn’t prepared to hear.
“I hear you. I don’t have a response. I need time to process.”
What the hell?
In my head I was cursing him in all kind of foreign languages that I didn’t speak. But, I’m in therapy now so I know how to pause and reflect before speaking.
That was all I could say.
He wished me well and we got off the phone.
I didn’t know where we were ending up. Was I single again? Was this relationship a big mistake?