I was telling you in yesterday’s post some of my lessons learned about relationships. Mr. C and I are struggling with time management. Specifically, quality time. Here’s what happened when I discussed it with my therapist…
I was sharing with my therapist last week how I had only spent about an hour with him since the start of the new year. I told her that he had stopped by to give me my birthday gifts but we hadn’t spent any substantial time with each other. I told her that now that he’s sick, I have no idea when I’m going to see him. We were two weeks into the new year.
She listened. She said “Relationships are like flowers. You have to water them or they will die.” She explained that he would need to treat our relationship like a job. Schedule time on the calendar to get together. I told her that he wouldn’t do that because he said that I’m the type of person that would be disappointed if plans changed. She said “Good. I believe that if he hears your disappointment then he won’t want to disappoint you. He will make it happen.”
I sat there and thought about that. That’s what happened in my last marriage. We stopped watering each other’s flower. We died. We stopped caring if we disappointed each other. So what? We probably thought “Oh well, just deal with it.” I was too tired to play any role but room mate and friend. We both died from our choices.
I didn’t want that to happen with Mr. C. I am constantly choosing him each and every day and I needed to make sure that he was doing the same. That we were watering each other’s flowers and making the time to be in each other’s lives. I told him what my therapist said.
He listened and said he had to process. But, he made an effort to see me two days later. We went to lunch and that’s when we had the difficult conversation that I wrote about. He then tells me about an interview for a job within his organization but the hours would be 2pm to 10pm.
I sighed. I was never going to see him. He already switched his hours from 8:30 to 5pm to 10:30 to 7pm. He couldn’t stand the stress from the traffic. I got it. I understood. I chose to move to the other side of the county thereby creating a 45 minute drive between each other. However, I work a straight 9 am to 5pm job. I explained that as busy as I am that I still make spending time with him a priority. It was God, my family (including him) and my sorority. I guess I wondered where I fit in to his hierarchy structure.
How does he see me? Is it as simple as I laid out for him or a more convoluted explanation. I know I’m probably over thinking it. But, I am a person that thinks in terms of black and white. No areas of gray. I have a lot on my plate, but I am committed to nurturing and watering this relationship. But, I can’t water my own dang flower alone. He needs to water me more.