2017 accepting yourself advice dating dating chronicles relationships self-esteem

Auditioning for the Wife

On Saturday, I had a great service project with members of my sorority and other Greek fraternities and sororities. It was a joint effort where we went and cleaned up the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in D.C.. It was a beautiful day and over 70 people showed up.

Afterwards, a few of my sorority sisters and I went to lunch. We were talking about men and women relationships when one of my sisters said something so profound and true. She said “Sometimes, women are so desperate to marry or prove that they are marriage material that they audition for the wife role in relationships.” Boom.

There it is. That was truth and knowledge about what I’m seeing now in relationships. I’m sure it’s always been there, but now more than ever I see women doing that. Why? Why do you feel the need to audition for a role you may not even want from the man that you’re with?

I know that dating has changed over the years. Black women are now earning more than ever and find it hard navigating the dating world. We are told that we have to sacrifice or lower our standards in order to find a suitable partner. Both of which I will say “Not true.” In many instances, we find ourselves fighting over the eligible pool of available men. So, we get creative in trying to woo the one that we want. How can we let him know that he should choose me? How can I prove to him that I’m wifey material? 

I know. I’ve seen many women do it. We have to stop trying to audition for the wife role ladies. Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding a man and falling in love and wanting to show him that you’re about substance. You want him to imagine a future with you. A future full of possibilities. You want him to imagine home cooked meals, clean clothes and a clean house. You want him to see you as your partner. An equal that has his back.

I get that. But, sis you have to trust that if you are the one for him none of that matters. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can be selfish. No, on the contrary you should show him the part of you that makes him imagine a future with you because of who you are not of what you’re doing for him. You don’t have to cook and clean his house, watch his kids, or take care of him financially. How is he showing you that he’s a man?

As a woman who has been married and divorced, I will tell you that I didn’t audition for the wife role with my ex. I didn’t know how to be a wife any more than he knew how to be a husband. Did I do things for him? Yes. But, when you do too much for a man it takes away from him being allowed to be the man he’s supposed to be. A man figures out how to manage his life without you.

Can you make it better? Absolutely. But, should you do that in the dating phase? No. You haven’t even gotten a ring yet. No amount of auditioning will make him choose you. He may even choose the woman after you.

My perspective is of course different because I am in no way rushing down the altar again. Been there done that. I have a wonderful man that will wait on me and for that I am glad. But, I don’t have to audition for the wife role for him. Mr. C sees me as the woman he wants to be with and spend his life with and you know what? I didn’t do anything special.

I just got to know him and love him in the space that we created. That’s it that’s all. I didn’t have to drop it like it’s hot or cook lavish home cooked meals for him. In fact in the almost two years we’ve been dating, I’ve never cooked a meal for him.  I actually told him that I probably won’t cook a lot, but would be willing to take turns cooking. He accepts that. He knows that I encourage his spirit, pray for him, love him and just allow him to lead us. That guiding principle has allowed us to create boundaries and respect the space we’re creating.

I don’t need to audition. The role is mine. I’m just not ready to get married again. But, the thing is this…he knows what he’s getting and I know the same.


Do you believe that women audition to be the wife in a man’s life? Have you ever done it? What did you do to break the cycle of auditioning?


Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.



  1. Yes I absolutely believe women audition to be the wife in a man’s life but I wouldn’t say that I’ve done it. I probably cooked once or twice for him(and I barely knew how to cook then, lol) but everything else started after we got engaged and started living together. But I do see it a lot with this younger generation. They’re always ‘claiming’ someone that isn’t necessarily going to be there for the long haul far less next month.πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Truth. They try to audition in hopes of being the one. A man will make you the one or not. Stop rushing it and trying to convince him that you’re the one by doing too much. I’m not talking about occasionally cooking for him, but cleaning his house, taking care of his children or letting him drive your car is too much at the dating stage.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t think anybody should have to audition for shit. Male or female. If what I am, who I am isn’t enough, I’d rather be alone. Faking ones way to a proposal is a recipe for a bad ending to the marriage, I’d think.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Truth. I think many times women just want to get married too bad. The key is not just to get married, but to stay married. Marriage is a lot of work. Dating is just that. Dating. Don’t too much while dating. Stay in your perspective lanes.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Maybe it’s different for guys, but I never dated with the sole goal of getting married. Just liked someone and wanted to hang with them. If it moved forward, great. If not? Move along. I think it’s the death knell before it even really begins to date with the immediate intent to snare a spouse. Things will work or they won’t. Too much pressure causes blowouts. πŸ˜ƒ

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi, it’s true every relationship is different and they begin differently. My mom was a cook and she kept cooked food in the refrigerator and in the freezer so if my dad was hungry food was always around. Mom kept the house clean and I’m like my mom. My husband fell in love with not only me but my family traditions. I take care of him and he takes care of me. He wants me to be a housewife and I am a writer so everything works out for us. He complains if I have to many book shows or art shows but I tell him this is my life and this is where my life is taking me and I invite him to come along on the ride. I tell him also I have to live up to my expectations and not his.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Understood. Today’s women are doing too much for a man that you don’t have a firm commitment from. I mean a ring. Why are you taking care of his kids? Ironing their clothes and cooking for them and you’re just a girlfriend? I don’t think there’s anything wrong if you want to cook your man a meal, but you shouldn’t be doing everything for him and you two are just dating. Let him earn some of those things. When you’re a wife then you should do things to make your husband’s life easier and vice versa. You both should take care of each other.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Yes, I agree and I tell young girls the same thing. Why are you acting like a wife when he hasn’t giving you a ring. My daughter is going through that now. Her man comes home and tell her that the house is not clean. She has 4 kids running around. He need to clean, it’s his house clean your house if you want it spotless she’s not the maid. She work and he works so they should share keeping the house clean. Real-Talk

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If she’s doing everything for him he’s never going to commit to only her or put a ring on her finger because he doesn’t respect her. A man is looking for a challenge if you’re not a challenge to him he will walk all over you. Those type of Men call it, Milk the Cow until it’s dry. Then he moves on.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wooo-sah sis! So much I could say about this. The stories I’ve heard and the things I’ve seen.

    I think on the whole black women are listening to the wrong narrative. There’s no good black men, we have to accept what’s avaliable and scratch and fight each other for the slim pickings that is avaliable. Or else we’ll end up an old maid. This is what I believe drives women to audition for the wife role, lots of time before they even truly know if they want the man as you said!

    It just makes me sad for women bc they are believing a finely crafted lie. I never tried to play someone’s wife but I did accept men that at the end of the day I didn’t truly want.

    I have even had men tell me I needed to do certain things else I would end up single. Men have a lot of women right where they want them and like you said they have no plans of choosing them. I plan on writing a blog about standards just like this.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yep, I never thought about how the narrative is impacting how we allow ourselves to be played. That’s important. I need to write about that. LOL. Yep, I can’t wait to read your post. Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey girl, I stumbled across your article when searching for similar content to link to my article: How to Stop Auditioning to be a Wife & Start Interviewing for a Husband. In my article I tell women you can’t cook, sex, finance, or mommy your way into a marriage. Nor can you do so by being a “ride or die” chick to ridiculous measures. I loved how in your article you explain the details of your current relationship and how you’ve never cooked. A man should love a woman for the woman not for what she does for him. And YES girl, he will sometimes marry the woman he meets right after you. (Ain’t that about a b*tch lol). It just emphasizes for us that we have to start interviewing and stop auditioning. Great article, you definitely shared an enlightening perspective. I’m linking to your article for my readers to enjoy. Thanks! https://www.lovefromtheotherside.com/how-to-stop-auditioning-to-be-a-wife-start-interviewing-for-a-husband/

    Liked by 1 person

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