Tell Me the Truth

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.” ― Barbara De Angelis 

I am by all accounts a truthful person. I have integrity. I have morals and values. I’m a person who believes in service. A kind and compassionate woman who will share and tell you the honest truth about everything. I am not ashamed of my past or how I arrived at my present. Every injury, wound or scab is a testimony to how God has protected me along the way. This is me.

So, how does being a truthful person bode for me in dating situations? Not well. Because even though I value honesty, integrity and truth-telling, others don’t. I have learned so much from both men and women about dating that I literally could write a book and it wouldn’t even scratch the surface of this Rubik’s cube. There are rules about everything. However, what is consistent with all men is that you can’t tell women the truth about your financial status while dating.

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Men seem to think that women can’t handle the truth about their financial status while dating. Why? Because no woman wants to hear that a man has financial obligations, such as alimony, child support, college tuition or his own personal expenses that are preventing him from paying for dates like a woman wants. They explain to me that these normal expenses greatly reduce a man’s chances of getting a call back for a second date if they were to be honest about their financial obligations.

Men Say:

 

If you tell a woman that money is a little tight because you had an unexpected expense of $1,000 for your car or a medical expense it is met with attitude about you being broke and never taking her anywhere. No matter how good-looking, nice, loyal or emotionally supportive a man can be to a woman, they believe that women want the fantasy. Not the reality of a man’s financial situation.  He’s just like you…broke but taking care of business.

Are women truly that shallow? I’m having a hard time believing that to be true, however, a lot of men seem to think so. I’ve heard multiple men say that if they told women that they like them and would like a relationship with them, but understand that they have financial obligations that may prevent them from weekly date nights, that the women wouldn’t understand. We would classify them as broke and not a viable option.

Here’s an excerpt of a conversation I had with one of my friends yesterday:

“Majority (51%) of women don’t want to hear about what you can’t do. I told you I have had that conversation with a woman I was dating and she said, “Well maybe you should think about whether or not you can afford to date me or date period.” All people want to be with someone. So we know that MOST (51%) women want you to show them a good time even though MOST (51%) women won’t show you a good time. I have heard women complain about money and being short with money but it is okay for them to be short on money and not have enough to make ends meet but it is not okay for me to do it? RIIIIGHT.. My on-line dating profile has a heading that reads “Good Credit Broke Brothers Need Love Too”.

So, what I want to know is how did we get here? When did a hardworking, loyal and trustworthy man (who may be broke) not even register with us women? What changed? Was it the economy or reality television that changed our attitudes about men? Could it be that reality TV has clouded our judgement and willingness to dismiss a good man for something bigger and better?

Now, let me be clear and say that there is nothing wrong with wanting anything. But, if a man has or does all that he can and is just broke are we quick to dismiss him? You know that old thing where we don’t want to waste our time. Or do we believe that we are settling?

Probably. However I can say that as someone who has done the marriage thing before what really matters at the end of the day…someone who is genuinely happy to see you. Someone who adores you and knows that his life was made better because you’re in it. You make him a better man and he is strong enough, smart enough and compassionate enough to deal with “all your multiple personalities”.

There is nothing wrong with desiring a life better than your current one. We all want what we want.  We want a happy and healthy functioning relationship from someone who just gets us. Someone who can take us on dates, buy us little meaningful gifts and romance us like in the days of our parents.  But, at the end of the day, are you truly settling when you find someone who tells you that you make them a better man each day just by waking up?

Not at all.

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No Fat Chicks!

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is put ourselves out there. You know go “all in” to show someone we are ready and willing to be available to let happiness and love come into our lives. Dating has changed dramatically since I was last single. I’ve expressed how I’ve tried the on-line dating thing and my experiences from some of the men. That being said, I wonder what would have happened if no one tried to contact me after I posted my profile? That was the case of one woman who wrote an article about her experience on XO Jane last month.

The article titled “IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Tried Online Dating And No One Even Messaged Me Back” was depressing to me. I mean her profile and picture looked nice, what was wrong with men? Why didn’t they find her attractive? The author, Patrice Bendig, was crushed that not one person messaged her back. She put herself out there and was emotionally crushed by people who never got to find out how incredible she was.

She said that her self-esteem took a hit and as a curvy girl, my heart ached for her. I think one of the hardest things women (especially curvy women) deal with is finding someone who will admit to liking a thick um and wanting to be seen in public with them. All things curvy women fear. The fear of rejection is real and I think we need to stop acting like loving and dating a curvy girl is the end of the world.

Why would it be? Just because I have a little more cushion doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in exercise or am one step away from being featured on an episode of “Obsessed: I Weigh 650 Pounds and Can’t Get Out of Bed”. Nope. Not me. I am not ashamed of my size and I don’t want a man who is ashamed to be with me. I love the shape of my hips and the curve of my thighs. The stretch marks from carrying a king. All badges of honor that I wear well while working out on the treadmill.

Curvy girls come with a certain level of confidence, but that confidence is fragile when you find yourself dating and trying to meet new people who think you need to just work out and they will help you because they are a certified personal trainer. I’m always cautious about men who approach me and say they like thick women. They find curvy girls sexy. Really? So, everyone else is below par if they are smaller? Why are you saying you are a closet chubby chaser? (May not be rational, but I’m guarded).

Even one of my favorite plus size bloggers, CeCe Olisa blogged about her experiences in an article on Refinery 29 titled “Is Online Dating Different for Plus Size Women”. CeCe said “It can feel like everyone has an amazing dating life but you, and it can feel like you only attract people who have issues or fetishes. But, someone reminded me that those things happen to girls of any size.” But, do skinny women get humiliated like a faux curvy woman did in this Tinder experiment? (In case you don’t know, Tinder is an app that matches people based on appearances).

Probably not. I mean the guys who conducted the social experiment even said that women’s biggest fears about meeting a man on line is that he is a serial killer whereas a man’s biggest fear…meeting a fat chick. Wow! Let’s sound the alarm and have a revolution against ignorance. What happened to men who appreciated beautiful women inside and out? Where did they go? Can the non-jerks who love God, their family, curvy women and are employed please stand up?

In an “Instagram I got to show you how I can twerk like Nikki Minaj and close the partition like Beyoncé age” it makes me wonder how many times curvy girls will keep getting the short end of the stick in dating? Are we resigned to believe that we have to take what we can get because they’re not a lot of options out there? What happened to getting to know me first before trying to guess my pant size?

A lot of stuff huh? Well I’m going to deal with it like my momma said, “Put your big girl panties on and formulate a plan.” My plan is simple. Keep my expectations low, my self-esteem high and have a lot of confidence to carry me through this foolishness. Rejection is a part of the process. Rejection builds character. It is in our painful experiences that we can grow and realize that we were built to last.

¡Viva la revolución mis hermanas

(Long live the revolution my sisters!)

Here’s the social experiment video: