Dating Chronicles: Take Two

I told you in yesterday’s post how I met and fell in love with a man after my ex that really was a filler. This was difficult because I didn’t believe in love, but after trying on-line dating and meeting this man that wooed me, I believed I could meet someone. He wasn’t the one.

So, I ended things and took a brief break. Until one day I reactivated my profile and met another man. He was different than most. Funny and short with a body made of pure muscle he had some endearing qualities. He was older than the last man and definitely one of the oldest men that I had dated. He as 8 years older than me. I didn’t even agree to meet him for an official date until 3 months of back and forth consistent communication.

He understood. Never pressured me. I believed that the age gap had made us somewhat able to relate. How wrong I had been. I wrote about him and our experiences in getting to know each other when I asked him Why Are You Single? He was showing me a different side. Not romance, but chivalry. We both led busy lives. His son was home from college and had no driver’s license. He lived in Baltimore County and that was a long way from me living in the southern part of Prince George’s County.

We made it work when we could. I was a soccer mom with a pretty predictable schedule. I wanted to take my time and make sure that he was genuine so I was dating a couple of other men during that time. Nothing serious. All were fillers. My heart wasn’t in it. It was with the last one. I was getting over him.

But, Mr. K had problems. Commitment problems. Time was his biggest issue. We could never connect. I believed him when he made excuses. I was being naive. Too trustworthy for someone who didn’t even know the meaning of the word. He cancelled more dates due to him being sick than anyone I have ever met in my life. One of the hardest ones was to the Beer, Bourbon and BBQ festival.

We were supposed to smoke cigars and drink. I only lived 3 miles away and I was hoping to get hammered. He cancelled. I went with my best friend and had a great time, but it wasn’t the same. It ended shortly thereafter because I don’t like liars. I have a smart mouth and I don’t have time for the fake ones. I wrote it about here:  And It’s Done.

I became frustrated about the lack of honesty and transparency when dating. I still had contact with Mr. K. Not sure why. Maybe I was believing that we could just be friends, but did I really need another friend? Probably not, but I was hard headed and I started to let my guard down with him.

Giving him more chances than I would with anyone else because I believed that somewhere there was a nice guy there. Why? Because he would say the nicest things to me. Why was this so hard? I wasn’t looking to rush down the altar (been there and done that) nor was I looking for a father to my son (he has one) so what was the issue? I know that I intimidate a lot of men for various reasons (a lot of it is my intellect) but I really wanted to find someone that could appreciate all the awesomeness of me.

But, I was sliding into old behaviors and sliding into the bed with the one that I loved and left. I missed him. I missed us. Old feelings started to resurface. I was getting caught up again. He was a bad habit that I couldn’t break. I was hurting from the one that I thought was awesome with all the great qualities and feeling lonely because the man I loved didn’t love me back.

I needed to get off this dang roller coaster of emotions and stop myself. Eventually, Mr. K slow faded me. It was cool. I figured it should have happened months before. I deserved better. I needed and wanted someone to love and take care of me. Not financially, but emotionally. I needed my own love. I craved it. I made a decision.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

Blurred Lines

Let’s talk about blurred lines. No, I’m not talking about Robin Thicke’s 2013 hit “Blurred Lines”. I’m talking about blurring lines when dating. You know the thing many of us are probably doing now without knowing it. I’m going to include myself in this because I don’t want you to feel singled out and trust me, I understand how easy it is to blur lines. Been there and done that.

I was speaking with a  few friends last year about how men and/or women blur lines and the conversation stuck with me. Why? Because I know some people that are blurring lines with folks right now and I told them that they need to stop because inevitably the other person ends up getting hurt. Even if they knew the “rules”of the situationship you two were putting yourselves in.

Situationship – a situation that is a sorta relationship, but not really. Not  a “real” relationship that will be claimed. You’re in a situation with someone that is not really definable.

I know some of you may be thinking…”I told them what I want and don’t want up front so he/she shouldn’t be catching feelings.” How can you not catch feelings? Are you a robot? Aren’t we all human and feelings are an integral part of us? Does the presence of truth mean that someone can’t/won’t get hurt? Nope. It just means that it will hurt later.

I wrote about in my first short story which was a loosely based piece of fiction about my own life. My main character was friends with a man and that changed one day. They crossed the lines even though she knew what he wanted (no commitment). She fell in love with him because they kept blurring lines. How? By doing too much. She “caught” feelings for someone who couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t know how to love her the way she wanted and needed.  She wanted more.

Doesn’t this always happen?

Yes, it does if you blur the lines. Stop it! LOL! In trying to help you be better (because I love you so much) I came up with a list of top 5 ways that you may be blurring the lines in hopes that you can stop. Why? Because you don’t want to lose a good friend by sleeping with them and blurring the lines.

My Top 5 Ways You May Be Blurring The Lines:

1. Your “friend” is a cool person that you spend a considerable amount of time with, but you’re too weak to define the relationship because you are not quite sure how you feel about being in a relationship. But, you call, hang out, text and have substantial conversations on a daily basis.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

2. You let your “friend” spend the night at your residence on a consistent basis because you like waking up next to them. You enjoy their company, scent and friendship but you’re not in a relationship with them.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

3. You spend time making out with your  “friend” kissing them and genuinely being concerned about their well being. You don’t rush intimate relationships when you have the chance. You want to spend time getting to know them and how their day was because you genuinely care.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

4. When you’re out in public, you display affection on a regular and consistent basis by kissing, holding hands or touching your “friend”. Anyone watching you two would believe that you are a couple.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

5. When you offer to accompany your “friend” to their house of worship, child’s school program or activity, meet their friends or suggest that you go on trips out of town on vacation.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

 

When I was younger and dating in my twenties I was dating a man who I loved more than I thought I ever could. He said he loved me, but not in the way I wanted. It hurt like hell. But, he would call me up and ask me to come over at midnight because he was laying in his bed and couldn’t sleep alone. He needed me there. I would go. Pack a bag and my books (I was in college) and he would pick me up.

But, he didn’t want a relationship, right? We would spend countless hours just being in each other’s presence. He read my papers, listened to my speeches and encouraged me to run for offices in school. I was hooked. Well, for Valentine’s Day that year he came over and brought me a dozen long stemmed red roses and a diamond tennis bracelet. Yep, it was real. I was furious with the gifts. Why? Because the gifts didn’t say I love you as a friend. Red roses and diamonds. WE blurred the lines until I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.

Lesson learned. I don’t want blurred lines. Blurred lines caused me to cry for two weeks straight and not really believe in love. Love was foreign, not to be trusted and it hurt like hell. I resisted love for many years after that. I had affection for folks. I was very fond of people, but love, that wasn’t happening.

If you’re doing any of the above things, I would advise you to stop. Talk to your “friend” and be up front and honest about your feelings and stop blurring lines. Save yourself for someone who values who you are and wants the same things that you want. Know it up front. You can’t change someone. Stop letting random folks who think you are special enough for a relationship but don’t want to commit get privileges they shouldn’t have. Develop genuine friendships and not have “friends” who you blur lines with.

Love Ya’ll.