Dating in 2015

Dating in 2015 has been an adventure to say the least. There were some hits and some misses and some roads not traveled. There were good times, bad times and heck some times I don’t know how to describe other than thankfully I survived.

I met some great guys and some not so great guys but I chalk it up to life and experiences. I wish everyone only the best. Just because we couldn’t make a connection doesn’t mean that it was a wasted situation. It just means that our time has passed and we were not to be. LOL.

To end the year on a positive note, I want you to check out this conversation below from a potential suitor earlier this month. Needless to say that I didn’t respond. Why? Because I don’t want to. I don’t have to. I will not be responding to annoying things in 2016. I will just pass on foolish behavior.

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The weird thing is that he went from 0 to 5 for no reason and I took this as a sign of mental instability or incompatibility. I can’t figure out which, but I’m okay either way. I wish him much success in his future endeavors and I hope that he finds what he’s looking for because it is not me.

So to all my single friends, may you find love, peace, happiness and compatibility in 2016. May you find the one that makes you see the good in yourself and encourages you to be better each and every day. May you find a love that is magnified and endures each and every day. May you know that happiness is a choice and if you choose happy you will be great with or without someone. Cheers my friend!

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Blurred Lines

Let’s talk about blurred lines. No, I’m not talking about Robin Thicke’s 2013 hit “Blurred Lines”. I’m talking about blurring lines when dating. You know the thing many of us are probably doing now without knowing it. I’m going to include myself in this because I don’t want you to feel singled out and trust me, I understand how easy it is to blur lines. Been there and done that.

I was speaking with a  few friends last year about how men and/or women blur lines and the conversation stuck with me. Why? Because I know some people that are blurring lines with folks right now and I told them that they need to stop because inevitably the other person ends up getting hurt. Even if they knew the “rules”of the situationship you two were putting yourselves in.

Situationship – a situation that is a sorta relationship, but not really. Not  a “real” relationship that will be claimed. You’re in a situation with someone that is not really definable.

I know some of you may be thinking…”I told them what I want and don’t want up front so he/she shouldn’t be catching feelings.” How can you not catch feelings? Are you a robot? Aren’t we all human and feelings are an integral part of us? Does the presence of truth mean that someone can’t/won’t get hurt? Nope. It just means that it will hurt later.

I wrote about in my first short story which was a loosely based piece of fiction about my own life. My main character was friends with a man and that changed one day. They crossed the lines even though she knew what he wanted (no commitment). She fell in love with him because they kept blurring lines. How? By doing too much. She “caught” feelings for someone who couldn’t, wouldn’t or didn’t know how to love her the way she wanted and needed.  She wanted more.

Doesn’t this always happen?

Yes, it does if you blur the lines. Stop it! LOL! In trying to help you be better (because I love you so much) I came up with a list of top 5 ways that you may be blurring the lines in hopes that you can stop. Why? Because you don’t want to lose a good friend by sleeping with them and blurring the lines.

My Top 5 Ways You May Be Blurring The Lines:

1. Your “friend” is a cool person that you spend a considerable amount of time with, but you’re too weak to define the relationship because you are not quite sure how you feel about being in a relationship. But, you call, hang out, text and have substantial conversations on a daily basis.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

2. You let your “friend” spend the night at your residence on a consistent basis because you like waking up next to them. You enjoy their company, scent and friendship but you’re not in a relationship with them.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

3. You spend time making out with your  “friend” kissing them and genuinely being concerned about their well being. You don’t rush intimate relationships when you have the chance. You want to spend time getting to know them and how their day was because you genuinely care.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

4. When you’re out in public, you display affection on a regular and consistent basis by kissing, holding hands or touching your “friend”. Anyone watching you two would believe that you are a couple.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

5. When you offer to accompany your “friend” to their house of worship, child’s school program or activity, meet their friends or suggest that you go on trips out of town on vacation.

Question:  Are you blurring the lines?

Answer:  Yep, you’re blurring the lines.

 

When I was younger and dating in my twenties I was dating a man who I loved more than I thought I ever could. He said he loved me, but not in the way I wanted. It hurt like hell. But, he would call me up and ask me to come over at midnight because he was laying in his bed and couldn’t sleep alone. He needed me there. I would go. Pack a bag and my books (I was in college) and he would pick me up.

But, he didn’t want a relationship, right? We would spend countless hours just being in each other’s presence. He read my papers, listened to my speeches and encouraged me to run for offices in school. I was hooked. Well, for Valentine’s Day that year he came over and brought me a dozen long stemmed red roses and a diamond tennis bracelet. Yep, it was real. I was furious with the gifts. Why? Because the gifts didn’t say I love you as a friend. Red roses and diamonds. WE blurred the lines until I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.

Lesson learned. I don’t want blurred lines. Blurred lines caused me to cry for two weeks straight and not really believe in love. Love was foreign, not to be trusted and it hurt like hell. I resisted love for many years after that. I had affection for folks. I was very fond of people, but love, that wasn’t happening.

If you’re doing any of the above things, I would advise you to stop. Talk to your “friend” and be up front and honest about your feelings and stop blurring lines. Save yourself for someone who values who you are and wants the same things that you want. Know it up front. You can’t change someone. Stop letting random folks who think you are special enough for a relationship but don’t want to commit get privileges they shouldn’t have. Develop genuine friendships and not have “friends” who you blur lines with.

Love Ya’ll.

More: My Latest Poem

Recently, I’ve been accepting the fact that I want more and that it is okay to want it. Because realistically, I tend to accept the BS that I’m given and try to justify the BS as legitimate because I am thinking about the other person and not trying to appear selfish. But is it really selfish?

That being said, I started to write a poem and ended up realizing that what I wanted to say was that I want and deserve more and that it’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m selfish or self-centered. It means I’m human and I love me more. More is real and more says you’re worth it.

Pen to paper and my feelings became a poem that I entitled “More”.

 

More

Many months of dating and sexing and no commitment came

I wanted more

You cringed at the thought that you would have to share your heart

I walked away

Knowing and believing that I deserved more than a fleeting kiss

With an occasional promise of something more

“Stay with me” you asked

“Let me please you baby” you begged

“Let’s not define the undefinable and exist where we are” you said

“Don’t worry about the others” you whispered

“Just focus on us” you urged

 

I did

I tried

I focused on trying to change you

To make you into the man that would love only me

To show and prove that I was a down ass chick

Who would be your ride or die and

Never leave your side girl

Your homey/lover and your friend

I succumbed to the passion

And pushed more to the back of my mind

 

Why?

Because more didn’t matter

I was going to live in the present

Smile

Enjoy it

Booty calls, occasional dates and pillow talk

That was something right?

It was better than more

 

But more kept pushing and fighting for freedom

More didn’t like the space it was being confined too

More wanted to run wild and yell

More wanted to hold hands in public

More wanted to go to your house of worship and praise

More wanted to meet your family and friends

More wanted to define the terms of our relationship

More wanted to update its Facebook status

More wanted to be unleashed

 

More broke out

I ran crying because I couldn’t put more back

I stood there shaking because more demanded

We have a talk

 

More told me that

I deserve more

I have to choose me

More said I have to leave

More said you can’t stay being the supporting actress

When I was born to play the lead

 

So I listened to more

I left you

I am alone

But you know what?

More was right

I’m happy

In this place of peace

No ambiguity

No confusion

No heartbreak

No tears

No yelling

No screaming

No demanding

No convincing required

Nothing to prove

Because in this space where you don’t exist

I found more

By Faith on Soar

My latest short story was published on one of my favorite websites. I originally wrote it to end the way I wrote it, but the response to write a second part has been overwhelming. I am extremely happy that people like it and they want to know what happens next. Please read it and give me your feedback.

It’s called By Faith and you can check it out here

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He’ll Do in Case of Emergencies

That was one of the most poignant lessons learned from my mommy. It was a statement simple and powerful as I was growing up and entering the dating world. The first time I heard that statement, I had met a wonderful young man who was smart, considerate, gorgeous and talented and I asked, “Mommy, isn’t he perfect?” Her response was “He’ll do in case of emergencies”. What? Hold up. Rewind. What does that mean?

It meant men are disposable, interchangeable and you should always have a back-up. Not quite sure what I was expecting at 16, maybe a little more, “Yep, baby. I can see why you like him.” But, that was not my mother’s nature. Her desire was to give it to you straight with no chaser. Did it make me pause and think maybe “the one” was a myth because every man would do in case of emergencies? Yes, Absolutely!

I read this article on the Washington Post and it kinda confirmed that not just women are doing it, but men too. It stated that “Men have back-burners at roughly twice the rate of women”. Wow! So, in this digital age, women aren’t alone. Men have been using technology to keep in touch or hook up with exes or women that they’ve flirted with in the past. Social media has made it easier for folks to hook up and have romantic affairs with people outside of their current mate.

Researchers are calling it “digital cheating or cyber infidelity”. Umm, can anyone say that they are surprised by it? Probably not, but what surprised me was the fact that it is now easier to get it on with someone from your past or a co-worker without ever raising suspicion. Facebook has broken up many a “happy home” because people can’t seem to let go of the past. How many times have you caught your significant other texting or emailing someone from their past with questionable responses? Hmm, not wanting to admit it huh? What about your girlfriend’s sister’s cousin’s brother who was cheating on his wife of 10 years with his old college girlfriend? Why did he do it? Convenience perhaps? Opportunity to water the grass on the other side? Perhaps.

But, the one thing for sure is that technology has made it easier to get your “freak on” with folks without ever having to leave your zip code. You don’t have to do much. Think about it…Two people fed up with their current partners arguing or fussing that they comfort each other. That comfort leads to something more, but they’re not going to leave their “boo thing” for you. It was just time and opportunity. You console each other and confide how unfair your partners demands are. However, you never want to leave your number one for your number two on the back burner. Why? Because you trust number one. I bet you know some men like that right now.

However, it’s not just men though, because last week The Huffington Post reported that “Uh-Oh, Survey Says Half of Married Women Have a Back-up Husband in Mind”. Really? I didn’t know it was that many. I mean I thought 20%, but more than half? Who are these Plan B men? Men from their past: old boyfriends, men who they’ve flirted with or colleagues. Okay, I get the past boyfriends, but casual acquaintances a relationship don’t make. However, it does support my mom’s theory that women should have a back-up. Maybe their mothers told them the same thing.

But, I have to wonder…in the dating world where people are making more connections on line and through various social media platforms, does that mean you are going to have less of an opportunity for survival in a healthy functioning relationship because you have alternatives in your friend list, circle or network? Will more people just hook up instead of commit because we’re too lazy to work at something? How many of us have pressed rewind on a relationship from the past and found out that it was true love? Sometimes it’s the thought of knowing someone so well that you don’t have to spend time learning someone new.

Where is the fun in that? Maybe people should spend more time protecting something special instead of settling for the he/she person that will do in case of emergencies. Limit your choices. Eliminate your alternatives and build with the possibility of “the one” something incredible. It would probably be fewer divorces. IMJS.

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