I Love Corny

By now many of you have seen the comments by Houston rapper, Slim Thugg, last week about Ciara and her husband Russell Wilson’s relationship. Slim commented that “He’s just a corny dude, ain’t nothing wrong with it,” Thug says “I ain’t gonna say corny cause that’s hatin’ but he’s just like a square…I don’t believe a girl coming from a street dude could even adapt to that.” Don’t you love when people comment on your relationship like they are in it? Ugh!

I couldn’t believe that rappers are still going off of Ciara for living her happy black ass life. That’s what it is all about right? Living your life to the fullest. She’s happy. She’s married and he loves her. What’s the problem? I think what pissed me off about the comments is that many people, not just Slim Thugg, make these comments about women when their relationships end or they find happiness with someone who was nothing like the last man. That’s a good thing right? That should mean growth and lessons learned.

In many cases it does. We grow up. We evolve. We may not love the things we loved at one point. We love the ones that make us feel safe. A male friend of mine asked me after Mr. C and I broke up, “T, why did you think that you and Mr. C were going to make it?” It was an honest question as he has known me for many years and felt safe in saying he knows my type, but I was honestly hurt.

But I told him the truth. I said “Because I really felt like I deserved the good guy. The guy that makes me laugh. The guy that supports my dreams. The guy that loves me something awesome and misses me when I am away. The guy who provides. The guy who gives money so I can buy food platters at Munch’s birthday party. The guy who encourages me when I feel like I can’t go on.” That was the guy that I felt that I deserved.

He listened and said “Well, I never thought you would end up with him.” I just sighed and replied “Neither did he because we’re not together anymore”. But, it’s the insensitivity that some people don’t get when you fall in love with the person that makes you want to curse them out and scream “Mind your own damn business.”

I know Ciara was probably thinking this because hell I was thinking this when my friend said this, but I guess when you live your life in an open fashion people feel the need to comment or question. However, Slim Thugg doesn’t know what it is like to love the cornball, the good guy, the square dude. Let me tell you…

It’s absolutely freaking amazing!

You love the person that makes you want to wake up each day and be a better version of yourself than the day before. You love the person that believes in honesty and faithfulness. You love the person that is both compassionate and concerning. He wants only the best for you. There is no competition. There is only love and mutual respect.

I dated the bad guys. I’m looking to love and build with the good guys. So, if he’s out there and corny as hell by other’s standards…cool. I’m still going to be doing me and living my happy black ass life learning all about the corny man.

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page @mskeeinmd.

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He’s Not Your Man – Part 2

In yesterday’s post He’s Not Your Man – Part 1 I told you about the awkward situation that I found myself in when my having dinner with my male best friend. One of the women that he was dating actually showed up at the restaurant to blast him for having dinner with me. She was upset that instead of spending time with her he was spending it with me. His best friend of 30 years.

I was astounded that in this day and age (over 40) that you would literally walk up on someone who is not your husband or man to confront them. Why? It was astonishing and sad. I’m going to tell you why.

Dating is a Game

Back in the day (read prior to my marriage) I played the game. I was the woman that was pursued and I entered and ended relationships as I saw fit. I have been the woman that dated a man knowing that I wasn’t the only one. It was horrible. I wouldn’t recommend this to any woman. It creates a false sense of a relationship when in reality you’re just friends with benefits and in many cases you’re not friends. You have to play the game or you will get hurt.

If you seek a relationship then you need to step back from the man that you know is not looking for that. You need to date men that are on the same wavelength as you. You need to not look at every woman as competition because they are not. You are only in competition with yourself.

Recognize His Game

The key to dating and not courting is that you have to recognize his game. Game is game. No way about it. If ya’ll go out occasionally and are sexing and he doesn’t want to put labels on it, you are going nowhere sis. You are a place filler. Temporary in hopes of being permanent. But, if that’s what you want…cool. However, please don’t switch up and then say you want more and expect him to give it to you. Why would anyone stop living the single and free life and they are enjoying it? It’s like asking me to stop eating pizza. I ain’t gonna do it.

Be Cool and Know Who Your Enemies Are

I am not your enemy. I am the best friend. The safe one. The one who he can laugh with, tell secrets to and support. I am the one that he’ll show up to my son’s soccer games, take us out to dinner and help my son with homework. I am his friend. Nothing more. I am not your enemy. I could be the one rallying for you if you weren’t so insecure and you talked to me like a lady. I have a lot of pull. I am not going anywhere. It’s been 30 years. You are your own enemy. Men don’t want stress. Had I been another one of his women, you just showed out and I would have taken advantage of that situation that night. But, I’m his friend. Respect the role.

At the end of all of this, I love my best friend. I told him that he should stop sleeping with this woman because she’s delusional about the lines. She needs to work on her own issues and get a real relationship if that is what she wants. He’s not going to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

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I was disappointed that she felt threatened by me and then was dismissive of me. I am an advocate of women and I never disrespected her. When she kept calling him as we were leaving, he was ignoring her calls and sending her to voicemail. I told him to answer the phone as she needed to speak with him. He did. She was yelling and screaming and she called me a “Bi*ch”. What?

He was a gentleman and told her that he would not tolerate her calling me that and hung up the phone. A best friend would do that. A man would do that. My advice is simple…don’t let your frustrations over not getting the love you want pull you out of your character. Your behavior is a genuine reflection of you and only you because in reality he’s not your man.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

This Moment In Time

Today is a very special day. It’s the day that we honor and celebrate a great man. My man. My love. My heart.

One of the things that I’m open about is that on this journey in finding love I stumbled. I took the roads that were meant for others and I settled by the side of the road with some people that I shouldn’t have. It was all part of my journey.

But, I got up. I kept moving forward. I kept believing that God had heard my plea for him to send me a man that would love my son and I as though we were flesh of his flesh. A man that would support and encourage my dreams and believe in me. A man that could support me in raising my son.

He did hear my plea.

It was 23 months ago that he sent me a wonderful man that grew on me. He stayed around and endured my inquisition. He stayed around and respected my values. He stayed around and loved me where I stood. He didn’t try to change me. He didn’t try to make me into something that I’m not. He just loved me.

Do you know how amazing that is?

He’s not perfect and neither am I.  But, we’re grown. We continually work at our relationship and on our communication. When I pour out my heart and let him know how I’m feeling, he listens. He takes it in and he works on things. He works with me.

So, I know that I’m gushing, but this man is amazing and I want to thank God for him. It was 44 years ago today that God created him to go through life’s challenges and storms because He was preparing him. God was preparing him for me. I’m thankful for that preparation and I’m thankful that God loved me enough to send him in my life.

Happy Birthday to my Mr. C! I can’t wait to celebrate and honor him for being the wonderful friend and man that he is. If I died tomorrow, I would be okay knowing that I found love. This moment in time is more than I could have ever imagined.

In this space, I am loved. Infinitely more each day than yesterday. I will honor and speak vision into the life of this great man that God has gifted me with. I pray that this year will be better for him than the last and that everything that he works for will come to fruition. I pray that God gives him guidance and strength to continue to be the awesome son, father and boyfriend that he is.

I pray that he will always know that he is loved.

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Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

We All Settle

I had drinks with my girlfriends earlier this month and we were talking about our experiences with men. One of my girlfriends said, “I don’t want you to settle.” I replied, “We all settle.” She disagreed. She said no you shouldn’t settle. You should compromise. I responded that you settle in your relationships and in your marriage. Everyone settles.

Let me tell you why I think we all settle. Dictionary.com defines to settle as a:

verb (used without object), settled, settling.

to decide, arrange, or agree (often followed by on or upon):

to settle on a plan of action.

That being said, I believe that we all settle in some form or fashion in our relationship. No one is perfect. You decide that you are willing to settle (accept) things about your partner in order to let your relationship grow. You get where I’m going with this? Think about this…

You meet a man who embodies all the qualities you would like in a partner. However, he has children. You’ve always said that you don’t want a man with children. You decide to look past the children rule and enter into a relationship with this man because who is and what he brings in the relationship outweigh the fact that he has children. You are settling because you really like him and you know that you can accept the fact that he has children.

See what I’m saying? Everyone settles because no one is perfect and you are willing to settle in order to be in a relationship with someone you think that you are compatible with. I get that you don’t like the term settle, but it isn’t compromise. Compromise operates under the premise that we both lose.

Dictionary.com defines compromise as:

noun

a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles,etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

In a compromise, we settle our differences by mutual concessions. We both lose. Let me give you an example:

I want you to take out the trash every day. You say no, I will take out the trash twice a week. We compromise on 4 times a week. I got less than 7 and you gave more than 2. We both lost.

In both scenarios, the underlining fact is that a conclusion is made. You can’t compromise on children. Either you will settle and accept the fact that the person you like has children or you will move on.

I know we may not like the term “settle” because of the negative connotations it conjures in our minds, but I don’t look at it like that. I’m not asking you to settle for a drug user and you’re not. I’m asking you to decide what things about a person are worth settling for.

Look at it like this…what you want, what you hope to get and what you actually may end up with may vary and you have to decide if you want to settle for the person you are presented with. If yes, great, but if not, no worries, keep looking.

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Until next time loves!

 

My Random Musings

Dating You Must Be Hard

All men that date me have to know that their name may end up in a pop song. – Kesha

“It must be hard dating you”.  That’s what one of my girlfriends said to me a couple of weeks ago. Over happy hour she said, “I can’t imagine how a man feels. Dating you must be hard.” I asked “Why?” She said, “Because you’re very open and transparent on your blog and I wonder if he has to feel like he is going to end up on your blog someday.” I laughed and said, “Yeah, I will probably write about it, but many men don’t read my blog so I guess dating me isn’t hard.”

But, I thought about it. I mean should I be concerned that the men that I date don’t read my blog? Nope. I realized that I can’t force someone to read my blog unless they want too. Heck, my own family doesn’t read it. So, I won’t be deterred. However, one man does.

He’s the one that I loosely based the short story of Faith and Teddy after. He reads it ALL THE TIME. Even when I write in code about him, he knows it’s about him. He makes me laugh because he’ll say, “It’s cool that you write about me. It means that I’m your inspiration.”

Or my headache.

I like that he reads my stuff, which is why he’s still around. He questions me, supports me and inspires me. I like that. However, I guess I have to wonder how serious could I truly get about a man who doesn’t take the time to read my stuff?

One of my favorite movies, Brown Sugar, talks about two best friends and their relationship struggles and the female lead, Sanna Lathan, loved the fact that her best friend read her writing faithfully. She realized that having a man who was supportive of her career goals was important. So, the question I have is how important is it that a man support your passions? Does it matter in the dating and just getting to know each other stage or it’s a requirement to get to the next level?

In my opinion…Yes, it matters that you support my passions and dreams in order to get to the next level.  This is a requirement to be with me. You have to also understand that I may write about our relationship and you need to be cool with that.  I want someone who is confident in being in a relationship with me. I want them to see that I am open and I am transparent with my readers and I don’t believe in censorship. He and/or our situation may end up as a post. It’s part of the process. But, I also want him to know that it is part of my growing. I write-through it all; joy, pain and difficult times. It helps me and it helps others. I want a man who sees that.

Men Lack Consistency

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In a recent “girl talk” conversation some of my girlfriends and I have been tossing around the question “Why do men court you up until you have sex with them and then they stop? Stop trying to do things to make you smile. Stop doing the “little gestures” you found sweet. Stop the calling or texting. Stop dating you.

It all boils down to consistency. Men lack the desire to be consistent once they get the cookies.

consistency

or consistence [kuh n-sis-tuh n-see]

noun, plural consistencies.

 

steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.:

Example:  There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.

So, do you get it ladies? Some men aren’t smart enough to continue the same behavior that they did in order to get you. They are unable to stay the course and keep up the wooing.  It takes too much effort.  Blame it on a short attention span or the fact that they just weren’t that in to you or Venus in retrograde. Heck, I don’t know, but the truth of the matter is that men are inconsistent. They change their minds.  It doesn’t matter when you give up the cookies immediately or make them wait 90 or more days the fact remains the same…men change after getting the cookies.

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Now, I’m not a genius (okay, I’m pretty close) when it comes to dating, but I have to ask why would a man not keep the same behavior after getting the cookies? Is it that they believe that they are so desirable that you will just keep wanting them sexually or is it that they are sleeping with multiple women? Probably a little bit of both.

Truth hurts huh?

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However, for those women who claim that they want to date and just have sex, bravo. Your body and your choice. But, what happens when you start off wanting that and somehow your feelings change? What do you do then? Do you enter into a friends with benefits situation or break it off and start over?

It depends. I’ve tried both situations at one point in my life and both situations proved to be emotionally draining. Why? Let’s take a look at both situations individually.

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Friends with Benefits

For me a friend with benefits is first and foremost a friend. If you are my friend and you were stranded on the side of the road at 3 am would I come and get you? If you are my friend and you needed help to move, could you count on me? If you are my friend and you were hospitalized would I come and visit you?

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If you don’t know the answer to those three questions, then here’s a hint…we’re probably not friends. #truth.

Why? Because friendships take time to nurture and develop. We do this by calling each other. Communicating about our daily lives, dreams or issues. We nurture that friendship by checking in, hanging out and just getting to know each other. If we do that, then you most likely know that I’m your friend and would be able to answer the above questions without hesitation.

The benefits piece of friend with benefits refers to the sexual aspect of the relationship. We really enjoy hanging out and talking on a regular basis that sex became a part of our relationship. We have no expectations of a relationship, but to continue nurturing our current one. We enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the bedroom and just like our situation.

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Until it changes. One of us catches feelings. Happens a lot. I’m going to guess that in over 70% of the cases it happens. It happened to me. I caught feelings. I was falling hard for someone who I thought was my friend. We had great conversations, sex, enjoyed hanging out and there was so much laughter that I “knew” we would be great in a relationship. You get where I’m going with this right?

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Nope, it didn’t work out like that. He liked the relationship as it was. He didn’t want a girlfriend or specifically me as his girlfriend. Thus I could either continue in the current situation or walk away. I chose the latter.

Break it Off and Move On

This is probably the best course of action if you want a relationship with someone and they don’t want a relationship with you. This is where I would say to identify your wants and needs up front before engaging in a sexual relationship under the guise that it will develop into something more.

Remember that it rarely does. Don’t fall for the “games” that men may play. Trust me, I’ve heard them all:

  • I promise that I will respect you.
  • We’re adults. We can do what we want.
  • I really like you.
  • I want to take our relationship to the next level.

Those are just a few that are used to seduce and then after the seduction occurs you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. Umm, it’s because they’ve gotten what they want. They have no use or desire to keep up the role of an interested suitor. They will give you lines such as:

  • I’ve been busy which is why I haven’t called you in 3 weeks and calling you now for a sex session.
  • Work is killing me.
  • It’s football season and I got a lot going on.
  • I haven’t changed. What are you talking about?
  • I do call you. I just called you now.
  • I do answer or return your messages

Yeah, he’s really not your friend sweetie. You’ve been played. Been there and done that. Made those same mistakes. Inconsistent men yield consistent results when dating. The foolishness will still be the same whether you’re 30 or 50. If you are in this situation and you want more, just break it off and move on. You deserve better.

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Ah, the joys of dating!

 

And It’s Done

Mr. K and I are over. We just couldn’t make it work. While I believe he is an awesome man, I’ve accepted the fact that he just might not be the man for me. That was hard to do. But, I know you can’t put a square peg in a circle. I’m not sure which of us is the peg, but you get the gist right?

Compatibility. Differing points of view I guess. I don’t know. Probably my smart mouth or a combination of things.

Sigh.

It’s hard. It was sad. But, I’m thankful for the time shared. I told you that I believe that people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime and it’s up to you to figure that out. Well, his was probably a reason. To remind me that I deserve to have a man who opens doors for me, pays for dates and respects me as a woman. I’m thankful for the lesson learned and I’m thankful that I met him.

I’m going on vacation Saturday and I will sit on the beach (with a big glass of wine) and reminisce about better days. It is what it is. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic.

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My Life Could Be a Meme

Many of you know what memes are. For those that don’t memes are humorous images, videos, a piece of text, etc. that is copied and altered to make them funny and relevant. They are then shared over the various social media platforms. It’s how jokes are told in an instant age.

Here are some funny memes:

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Well, I’m sad to say that my life was like a meme at one point. I was dating this guy and  we were in a “pseudo relationship”. You know the relationship that exists in your head and not in reality? Where he’s looking at me with the side eye when I say…

9d0b186e70125d1f0cf3b8519046a9cd0cdfb64c3868c69349e684e09a5f9fa0Funny, right? But it’s true. I kept looking for the silver lining. You know seeing the best in him and the situation, knowing and believing that he would want more. More from me. Me being the operative word in my last sentence. Not the others.

But, it was wishful thinking. I was and will always be just a random.

If you so choose, each day can be filled with even more joy than the one before. If you so choose, even the most seemingly random events can work in your favor. – Ralph Marston

I also said I was wasting my time. He probably thought…

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He’d be right. We weren’t in a relationship. I didn’t want randomness. I wanted to be specific. But it wasn’t in the plans. I hurt. I cried. I lived. I loved. It ended as many things do. I went from being this person:

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To reminding myself of this:

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And sometimes you have to do that. So, if your relationship can be summed up in a meme, don’t despair. Find or make a funny one and show the world that you’re still standing. We make choices and some work out and some don’t. Look at the whole picture and say, “I’ve learned something.”

Ah, the joys of relationships!

The Self-Sabotaging Sister

I, like many women realized one thing about me… I am a self-sabotaging sister. I am so used to dating losers or men that are whack or have whack tendencies/traits that I don’t know how to appreciate and accept the good guy standing in front of me. I’m always thinking what a loser.

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I’m learning in my time of transition what love and relationships are supposed to be. Not that I’m in love, I’m just saying that I realized a lot of what I thought I knew about love was based on the premise that love was supposed to be painful. That love was supposed to hurt and be violent. That love was supposed to be difficult, controlling, insulting and just plain hard.

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I’m not sure why I thought that. I mean my wedding ceremony incorporated the famous wedding verse:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NRSV)

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

But, I didn’t know what that verse truly meant. I mean I had survived dating and we had crossed over into marriage which I knew would be difficult, but I had to endure. We took vows. Pain could be temporary. I’ll just do better, try harder, pray more and be more vigilant. You see that?

I was blaming me.

I sat there and looked at it is my sole responsibility to fix the foolishness of my marriage. I accepted that it was my fault and I took vows and I need to be truthful to those vows. I mean it did say for better or worse. Worse can only be temporary right?

My wake-up call came when I started to realize this one fundamental fact…God’s love for me is not painful. It is ever-present. It is comforting. I realized that I wanted and needed that kind of love from a partner.

I want a patient love. I want a love that is easy-going and supportive. I want a love where we are not resentful of the successes we have. I want a love that will stand the test of time and be anointed by God.

I’m not in love. I’m just dating a great guy that it sometimes baffles me what he sees in my nerdy and neurotic self. It feels good to be courted in the traditional sense. No foolishness. No disrespect. Just good conversation and friendship. He’s a grown man. He’s a nice man and I am vowing to just accept that he’s a good guy who likes me for me.

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Analyzing the Neurotic

Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really know. – Cicely Tyson

One of the things that I’ve been sharing is that I’m looking at my past relationships and analyzing me and my behavior and looking at men through a different lens. I had a friend ask me what kind of behaviors and/or traits am I willing to accept in a relationship and I paused. I said that I would accept a man that made less money than me. He laughed. He said that is not a trait.

I smiled. I guess it’s not.

So, guess what I did? I started thinking about what he said and developed a needs assessment in relation to a potential partner. What were the things that I needed in both a relationship and in the person? I had to write it down. Chart the course. Oh, and while I’m at it I needed to do a wants list. What are some things that I want, but aren’t really required?

I’ve always been neurotic and analytical when it comes to stuff, so why not about dating? I didn’t do this the first time around and that didn’t work out so well. I allowed my needs to not matter because someone else’s “need to love me” was bigger than my own. Not going to make that mistake again.

I finished and wanted to share my list with you. This is not the complete list because I would hate for someone to review this and “play” the part. But, I wanted to show you what I did so that you can think about doing this for yourself if you’re single. Try creating your own list.

 

NEEDS FOR A RELATIONSHIP

NEEDS FOR A PARTNER

Honesty Trustworthy
Open communication A good listener
Faithfulness to each other Monogamous relationship
Faith Have a relationship with God
Church To attend church regularly
Financial stability To be financially stable
Financial integrity Paying debts
Passion Need to have passion
Loving Give love freely
Respect Must respect me
Supportive Must support my goals and dreams
Team attitude Focus on us as the team by creating a strong foundation
Family Oriented Must love my son

WHAT I WANT

Spontaneity
Love language speaker
Avid reader
Volunteer buddy
Travel partner
Someone who values relationships
Music aficionado
Cigar smoker
Prayer partner
Advocate for social issues

There you have it. I’ve outlined my needs for a relationship and for a potential partner, identified my wants and left it alone. Happy hunting!