He’s Not Your Man – Part 1

The other night I had dinner with my best friend. I’ve mentioned before that I have two best friends (a man and a woman) that I have known 30 years this year. We are ecstatic because honestly how many people keep in touch with people from 30 years ago? We remain constant and our communication is consistent.

My male best friend works nights so we don’t spend as much time because he just got full custody of his two children in January (I’ll write about that soon) and he’s busy ripping and running with his children. My female best friend and I get together a couple of times a month. With or without our children, we find time to get together and have girl time.

That being said, my male best friend decided to come over and hang out. We ended up going out to grab a quick bite to eat at Friday’s. I was catching up with him and we laughed and joked and had a real good time. Before dinner was served he looked up and said that he sees someone he knows, excused himself and went to greet his friend.

After dinner, a woman approached our table and began talking to him. I was paying no attention as I had looked at my phone. I heard him say “Listen, I’m not doing this here. I’m having dinner with my friend and you can either have a seat or leave.” He then said “T, this is C” and I waved at her and said “Hello.” She looked at me and said nothing.

Okay, I realized that this may have been one of his women and girlfriend was mad that we were spending less than two hours catching up. I continued to look at my phone and he repeated what he said. She left. I put my phone away and asked “What was that about?” He responded that it was one of the women that he is dating and she was mad because we were hanging out. He said that the woman that he spoke to earlier is her sister and her sister must have called her and said that he’s up here with another woman and she rushed up to check it out.

What? I was floored. Really girlfriend? I couldn’t believe that in this day in age with a woman in her 40’s that she would just show up and show out over a random.

A random is a man that you are dating and you have no actual relationship with. You may claim him, but he doesn’t claim you. He sleeps with you and he may or may not sleep with other women. 

In my friend’s case I asked him what was up. Was he sleeping with her? He said “Yeah, she’s cool but she has a lot of trust issues.” I asked “Does she know about me?” He responded “Yeah, I’ve told her about you and have had conversations with you in front of her so she knows that nothing is going on.”

Uh huh.

I began to ponder why women are threatened by other women and the process by which we assume that we are the only woman because we are sexing a man the majority of the time. I wanted to talk to this woman because I wanted her to know that there was no need to be threatened by me, but furthermore to let her know that she played herself. She played herself in front of me and in front of him.

Dating is a game. You need to learn not to play yourself. Now, I don’t think they are on the same page, I think she wants him to court her and he’s dating her. Jay talked about it in his post:  Courtship vs. Dating: The Breakdown

I gave him my two cents. I’m his best friend. Want to know what I told him? I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow.

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-To Be Continued-

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

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And It’s Done

Mr. K and I are over. We just couldn’t make it work. While I believe he is an awesome man, I’ve accepted the fact that he just might not be the man for me. That was hard to do. But, I know you can’t put a square peg in a circle. I’m not sure which of us is the peg, but you get the gist right?

Compatibility. Differing points of view I guess. I don’t know. Probably my smart mouth or a combination of things.

Sigh.

It’s hard. It was sad. But, I’m thankful for the time shared. I told you that I believe that people come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime and it’s up to you to figure that out. Well, his was probably a reason. To remind me that I deserve to have a man who opens doors for me, pays for dates and respects me as a woman. I’m thankful for the lesson learned and I’m thankful that I met him.

I’m going on vacation Saturday and I will sit on the beach (with a big glass of wine) and reminisce about better days. It is what it is. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic.

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I’m Taking a Break

I’m taking a break from on-line dating. I’m not sure how long it will be. I’m just playing it by ear.  I’ve been disappointed and discouraged lately in the process that I started to scream…”Calgon Take Me Away”.

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I started finding myself “male bashing” because of the selection of unqualified candidates that were contacting me. I was no longer able to weed out men without thinking that the next man I was responding to was probably going to be a “creepy whore-monger”. I was no longer meeting men with half-way decent profiles. I was tired. Emotionally, physically and socially. It was stressing me out.

calgon

So, I have decided to take a step back and “get my life”. I need to get ahead of all the foolishness and start focusing on me. I mean cuffing season is over so men aren’t looking to settle into a nice monogamous situation with anyone. They want to travel the world working on their tan and the next woman because it’s almost summer. Time for less clothing and more opportunity.

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Do I really want to be a part of the masses filled with anger and hostility instead of just relaxing and going with the flow? The answer is no. I have so many things on my plate and hating or male-bashing is not good for my health. I want to enjoy the spring and summer months with no hostility, but appreciation for good companionship. But, right now…I’m going to take a step back and focus on me. Focus on what I want outside of the on-line dating. I’m not cutting off the men that I met prior to my break, just not entertaining anyone new. I don’t know, but I want you to know that I am tired.

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Identifying Broken

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. – Bob Marley

In this period of self-evaluation, I’ve come to the realization that the world is full of broken people. It’s not just me. Everyone seems to be broken. But, before I could analyze or accept someone else’s brokenness I decided that I had to determine my type of brokenness and deal with any unresolved issues. Not necessarily for my potential mate, but for myself. Everyone knows baggage destroys when it’s sitting in your closet leaking toxic chemicals. LOL!

Seriously though I love the fact that I’ve been evaluating myself and determining what makes me happy. This self-evaluation has benefited me in dating because it has allowed me to be more judicious in how I spend my time with potential suitors. How? Because I know what my issues are (broken parts of me) and I know what I will and will not accept in a relationship (their broken parts).

Let me give you some examples:

  • A man who is abusive whether physically or verbally is “Broken Abuser”
  • A man who has an inability to commit to women is “Broken Non-Committal”
  • A man who has trust issues with women is “Broken Non-Trusting”
  • A man who has no financial means to support himself is “Broke Broken”

You get the gist right? By categorizing the broken parts of men it allows me to know exactly what I want and don’t want. Now, before you start thinking that I’m trying to build a perfect mate or not acknowledge my issue, that’s not true. Here are my broken names:

  • Broken Neurotic – I worry all the time even though I know that faith and fear can’t co-exist in the same place. I worry about being able to send my son to college, provide financially for my son, expose my son to different concepts and cultures or die before he is an adult.
  • Broken Controlling – Growing up I’ve been through hell and back. Not just financially, but emotionally and physically. Those things that happened in my past were beyond my control. Therefore, I am a control freak when it comes to my life. I like to control as much as possible and allow room for God to shake it up because I know that the best way to see God laugh is to show him your plans. So, in my mind I have to establish control so that I can prevent the unthinkable from happening again. I don’t try to control anyone else’s life, just my own. This controlled demeanor confuses people whereby they tend to make judgments on me as a person because I’m so calmed and dead face about things.
  • Broken Vulnerable – I tend to take a long time trusting people to even be vulnerable with them. It stems from my past relationships with men. If men don’t display a willingness to be open and transparent with me then I’m very guarded in my dealings with them.

See, I don’t think I’m perfect. However, what I’ve been able to do is to identify my issues and look at the men I meet with a different lens. Trying to identify their brokenness and see if it is something I can handle or not. If I can’t no worries, I will move on. If it is something that I can handle, then they are moved to the possibilities category.

possibilities