Monday Notes: 3 Lessons from a BFF Breakup

A great post by KE regarding breakups with your friends.

I usually can’t write about something, unless I’m completely over it. That’s why I have about 6,000 notes related to breaking up with my bff and no posts about it. Ever since June, I’d try to begin…

Source: Monday Notes: 3 Lessons from a BFF Breakup

Aftermath

What happens in the aftermath of a relationship tarnished by truths? Can it survive? If you break away from the things that cause uneasiness in your spirit and then realize that you can’t breathe.

That what you thought was making you sick was just your heart? Your heart yearning for that person’s words and touch. Do you continue to endure the pain? Is it fear? Is it love?

Hell, you don’t know.

You live a controlled life where everything must be in order. This situation is chaos. You can’t stand chaos. You like structure. Love is sometimes unstructured. But, this is not love. This is hope.

Hope fills you with want and possibilities. Hope is a yearning that everything is going to be alright. Hope or faith? Do you have faith that it will work according to His will or do you hope that He will ease your restless spirit?

In this new world where our souls have been severed, I have faith that God will sustain the pain. I’m human. I’m prone to make mistakes. I can’t say at this point that you weren’t one of them.

Dang, I’m Slow

That’s what I thought as I read this great piece entitled “The Slow Fade: 8 Ways Guys Break Up Without Actually Breaking Up”. I realized that “I’m Slow and I was Slow Faded” by Mr. K. The guy actually went through all eight steps and I couldn’t even realize that I was being slow faded. How lame is that?

The author made a point of telling women that you’re not slow you’re just dating a pathetic loser. It didn’t really help me feel better. How could I miss the signs? How could I believe what this guy said? How could I not be more observant of his behavior?

“Here are eight behaviors to watch out for so you can hold that slow fader accountable, demanding he give you the respect and dignity you deserve.

1. He doesn’t call as much. Okay, this behavior is one of the easiest to write off because lots of guys claim they don’t like to talk on the phone (even though they do all day long). If yours is one of those guys, he will likely let you know early on, leaving himself the excuse he needs should he ever need to use it. Chances are he will. But because you have been duly warned, when the frequency of calls does return to what it once was before you told him how much you “love” to hear his voice, you overlook the slight, inadvertently forcing him to step up his game. In response…

2. He texts and emails less. Makes perfect sense, right? You are no longer in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship, those first few dates when you are going gaga over one another (or at least one of you is) and are thinking about this new person more than you can stand. That’s what you tell yourself at least. You convince yourself you shouldn’t expect as much from him as you once did. Wrong. You should. But you take what you can get anyway until you notice…

3. His texts and emails become short and not so sweet. Remember those cute smiley faces? The XOs? The sweet sentiments? They are but a distant memory now. Instead, “thanks” is his new emoticon, leaving you to scratch your head wondering if you have done something wrong. Nah, you rationalize. It’s just that…

4. He is suddenly very “busy.” Yeah, that’s what it is! Work is CRAAAZY for him now. That explains why he hasn’t called, texted and emailed as much as he used to and didn’t make weekend plans with you until the last minute. But you’re happy he’s busy because…

5. He has so many family problems. A nasty divorce. A crazy soon-to-be ex-wife. A witch for an ex-girlfriend. Screwed up kids. And you, the hopelessly devoted girlfriend fool you are, don’t want him to suffer any more than he must. So you become even more understanding when…

6. He gets sick. Things have gotten SO bad for this guy he can barely function (or so you think). He has been so “busy” with work and family problems that now he’s not feeling well as a result. Poor thing. Which explains why…

7. He looks less appealing. All of a sudden he’s disheveled. Verklempt. But right away you feel guilty for even thinking such a thing about the guy who once treated you so well and say to yourself instead, “Maybe I’m not being supportive enough.” Whereupon he says to himself, “Maybe I’m dating Hellen Keller.” So what does he do?

8. He acts like a dick. He has finally reached DEFCON 1. His last resort. The part where he does something reprehensible in addition to all of the above which he is already doing in unison. It is his “plus one” (if you’re that fortunate). Maybe he cavorts with another woman. Perhaps he makes you the butt of a private joke you are not yet clued in on. Even worse is if he helps himself to one last kiss goodbye (or more) which you are unaware really is goodbye.”

See, Mr. K went through all 8 steps and I didn’t have a clue that I was being slow faded. I just believed his BS. I actually thought he was a nice guy and just going through a particularly difficult time. Nope, he slow faded me. I just wasn’t smart enough to catch on.

I even sent him the article and you know what he said, “You think I’m pathetic.” Really dude? Deflection. A tactic used by the manipulator. He then sent me a text saying that I reached out to you last week and asked you out? Umm, for what? So, I can sit across from you rolling my eyes thinking how stupid I was for trusting that you were a good person? I’ll pass.

So, ladies if you’re being slow faded now make sure you recognize the signs and confront the man. Spread the word and encourage men to just be men. Be up front and tell a woman if you’re not interested. Don’t make up excuses and then try to weasel your pathetic self back into a woman’s graces because you’re busted. Have some dignity!

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Dating Chronicles: Dang Stalkers

I haven’t written one of these “Dating Chronicles” in a while, but I couldn’t help myself and had to share what the heck happened to me on Sunday. So, you remember my post where I went out and got “turnt up” the week before? Well, the gentleman that I went out with was someone who I had met and known for a little over a year.

We met on-line and he then tells me he has a girlfriend. Umm, really boo? I stopped him dead in his tracks and explained that I don’t date another woman’s man so he could lose my number. He said, “I’m just trying to be your friend.” “Okay” I thought. I reiterated that “I don’t do that to other women and that friendship is all that we will ever be.” “Okay” he replied.

We went out a total of 6 times over the last year. We took turns paying for outings because I didn’t want to confuse him or give him reason to think he was dating me. We were hanging out in my opinion. All said outings occurred prior to 6 pm. Well, he broke up with his girlfriend in February and called to tell me.

I sympathized and told him to take his time to get his mind right because he had been in a long-term relationship (over 2 years) and needed to heal. Well, life got in the way and we hadn’t spoken in over the 3 months. He was on my mind so I sent him a text a to check-in and see how he was doing. He said he was good. He told me that he had met someone at his job and they were dating and trying to figure things out. “That’s good” I told him. He asked “When can I take you out?” I responded, “Umm, well I don’t have any plans tonight and my girlfriend wants me to come out to her bar where she is working.”

He responded, “I don’t have any money” today so maybe next week. I told him, “It’s cool. I got it.” He agreed to go. He told me that we could take one car and so I met him at the metro station and parked my car. He drove us to the bar which was 10 minutes away. It was like old times. We settled into the familiar and ordered bar food and drinks and caught up.

We had a good time and he drove me back to my car. We gave each other a hug and I told him that I would text him when I got in the house. I did. Went to sleep. Hungover for the next couple of days. Got busy. He sent a text. I responded. He called a few times, I didn’t call back. He then sends me the following text messages:

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I was livid. How could someone call themselves a friend and then feel used when they didn’t even pay for said outing? I apparently was under the impression that this guy could be happy with just being friends. Apparently not. He wanted more. Much more. I’m just hurt that I wasn’t able to see that.

I’ve blocked his number. Blocked him from Facebook and Google circles. Thankfully, he doesn’t know where I live. Why? Because as I told you that I don’t allow randoms to know where I lay my head. Friend or not. No way.

I have to be honest though….I felt stupid. I was really wondering how I couldn’t see this man’s chemical imbalance for what it was worth. How could I not recognize that this guy was lying and biding his time until he could someday get lucky? How sick is that? How long would this act continue? He thanked me that night for being a friend which was a lie because he was never my friend. He was a perpetrating loser.

As a survivor of sexual assault and abuse I have to admit that his psychotic outburst had me scared. Had me thinking that had he not played his hand he would have actually forced himself on me someday. It scared me to think that I had actually befriended this man. That I believed he was a decent human being. What was I thinking?

 

My Life Could Be a Meme

Many of you know what memes are. For those that don’t memes are humorous images, videos, a piece of text, etc. that is copied and altered to make them funny and relevant. They are then shared over the various social media platforms. It’s how jokes are told in an instant age.

Here are some funny memes:

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Well, I’m sad to say that my life was like a meme at one point. I was dating this guy and  we were in a “pseudo relationship”. You know the relationship that exists in your head and not in reality? Where he’s looking at me with the side eye when I say…

9d0b186e70125d1f0cf3b8519046a9cd0cdfb64c3868c69349e684e09a5f9fa0Funny, right? But it’s true. I kept looking for the silver lining. You know seeing the best in him and the situation, knowing and believing that he would want more. More from me. Me being the operative word in my last sentence. Not the others.

But, it was wishful thinking. I was and will always be just a random.

If you so choose, each day can be filled with even more joy than the one before. If you so choose, even the most seemingly random events can work in your favor. – Ralph Marston

I also said I was wasting my time. He probably thought…

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He’d be right. We weren’t in a relationship. I didn’t want randomness. I wanted to be specific. But it wasn’t in the plans. I hurt. I cried. I lived. I loved. It ended as many things do. I went from being this person:

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To reminding myself of this:

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And sometimes you have to do that. So, if your relationship can be summed up in a meme, don’t despair. Find or make a funny one and show the world that you’re still standing. We make choices and some work out and some don’t. Look at the whole picture and say, “I’ve learned something.”

Ah, the joys of relationships!

Change Clothes or Better Yet Your Partners

So, I’ve been thinking about spring cleaning some men in my life and started to wonder what songs will help me move on. Why? Because even though it is my choice, some men have overstayed their welcome and have stayed on the shelf past their expiration. I need new experiences and new things not necessarily found in men that aren’t really my friends.

Friendships take time to develop. You need to spend time hanging out, talking and growing common interests. If you’re not doing that then you are a temporary placeholder in someone’s life. Doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. It means that you need to cultivate meaningful friendships and just “Move on Martha, move on!”

Like ending a relationship with someone you love, ending friendships or situationships (if you’re in one) can be hard. You will cry or shed a tear. You will feel lost. You will wonder did you make the right decision. You will wonder if you should call them back. The answer to the last two statements is a resounding NO!

I’ve compiled a list of my 5 top songs that will help you get through this time. Listen to these songs on repeat for the next couple of days and you will be more empowered and less likely to bend. It is done.

5. Beyonce “Resentment”

 

4. Melanie Fiona “Gone And Never Coming Back”

3. Chrisette Michele “Blame It On Me”

2. Fantasia “Without Me”

1. Adele “Rolling in the Deep”

What The Hell Are We Doing?

So, I just watched last week’s season finale episode of “Being Mary Jane” and I have to say that I loved it. I’ve found that in this dating journey I’m starting to see a pattern emerge. Patterns from the men that I’m meeting and actually from some that I know in relation to women. But, it wasn’t until I watched the show that I realized that I’m not alone. Many women are also left wondering “What the hell are we doing?”

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Let me give you some perspective…Dating over the age of 30 seems to be problematic for many women. We are finding some common themes:

  • Men who were burned by their first marriage and don’t want to even get married anymore.
  • Men who never want to get married.
  • Men who are grown, but can’t afford to take care of themselves, much less build a relationship with you.
  • Men who have serious unresolved issues about women. Mainly trust issues.

This is just the beginning of what we encounter in our search for companionship. When did it get so hard? When did men think women wanted to rest in the ambiguity of a situation? Why are women thought to be crazy when we want to be upfront about our expectations with regards to dating? These questions are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to trying to decipher the question of…what the hell are we doing?

Let’s be real clear, many women over the age of 30 want to date with a purpose. That’s it. Simple and clear. We don’t want to waste your time if that is not what you want. We want you to understand that when we express our concerns about what we would like out of a relationship, we are inviting you to do the same. But, you know what? Men don’t want to do that. They want you to go with the flow.

Here’s the problem with going with the flow…It can be a bunch of crap on a river filled with jagged rocks and raging waves. Men, I need you to be upfront, listen to women and accept what you want and don’t want without trying to lead her on. That’s the key here. Many men are wanting to lead women on under the guise of “going with the flow”. That’s cruel.

I asked a friend of mine, if you tell a woman to go with the flow, what does she say if a man who is interested asks her if she has a man? Does she say, “No” or “Yes”? He said to tell him, “It’s complicated.” Ah, ding ding was the bell in my head that let me know…That is a load of crap!

Telling someone it is complicated when you are over the age of 30 sounds like you don’t know what you want. Women over the age of 30 aren’t complicated. Plain and simple. We’re straightforward and transparent. We want you to let us know what you want or leave us alone from the start.

That’s it. We don’t want a man to pursue us when his agenda is clearly different from ours. We don’t want you to feel obligated to try and change our minds. We don’t want you to think we’re crazy because we tell you what we want. And…we don’t want to skirt around the issue of what we want to not be deemed crazy.

We’re not. We’re focused. We’re determined. We’re women. We know what we want and we don’t want to be a place holder for your insecurities. We want someone who knows what he wants and is not afraid to get it. No, we’re not in a rush. We just don’t want to ride on your lazy river going with the flow.

Oh, but watch out for that rock!

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Until next time!