2016 advice dating divorce marriage relationships self-esteem

The Masks We Wear – Part 2

This post is a continuation from yesterday’s post.

I was failing in my marriage. I was doing it all and creating an illusion that women who are married are supposed to do it all. Why? Because that is what I thought. That is what my other girlfriends were doing. I didn’t know.

I began to do everything I could think of to benefit my marriage. Thinking that if I pleased him then I would make him happy. But at what cost?  I was dying inside. Slowly. No one knew. I was enduring the “fakeness” of my perfect life.

Let me give you an example…

Every year I would send beautiful custom Christmas cards to family and friends. One year I had been working exceptionally long hours. I was exhausted. I didn’t want to send Christmas cards that year. I didn’t have the time. I literally signed each card. I told my husband that I didn’t want to send the cards and he said okay.

He comes back on December 20th saying “I think we should send Christmas cards this year. I mean we’re getting a lot and I think it would be nice.” I sighed. I got on-line and ordered the cards. I paid a crap load of money in shipping and got the cards out. I know you may be asking “Why?”

It was simple…he asked me too. I looked at it as though it was my responsibility as his wife to do what he’s asking. He didn’t ask for much. Why couldn’t I do it? In retrospect, I should have definitely said no. I should have explained the reasons and informed him that he was able to do it. But again…I was wearing a mask.

This mask wearing became one of the hardest things that I had to do. But, I took it off at the moment that I knew I didn’t want to be married anymore. He didn’t know me. I didn’t know him. I can’t blame him for everything because I created an image that wasn’t me and I was asking him to accept and love that person.

The next couple of years were about my self discovery. Loving and living in my new identity. The true me. I still wore a mask. Not in relationships. At work (most people do) and at professional gatherings only. I began to date with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want.

What did I find? Someone who could see me. Someone who could truly see when I left that mask on from work and tell me to take it off. Someone who could tell by the glint in my eyes that I was really excited about something or by the change in the tone in my voice if I was bothered by something.

I wanted someone who could see the real me. The me with the mask off and see all the imperfections and flaws and love that woman. I wanted to be loved for my yes and my no’s. My good days and my bad days and all the days in between. I no longer wanted to try and be perfect.

I just wanted to be better. And you know what? I am.


  1. It was always up to me to do the gift buying at our house. Of course, if I didn’t know about something, it was a little hard.
    One of Losers’ employees’ wife was going to have a baby the next day. He came home at 10:00 at night, and asked me to make the baby a quilt. I had suffered from migraine headaches for almost thirty years, and I had one that night. I got out of bed and stayed up all night….making that fucking quilt, which he “proudly” presented the next day.
    One good thing about it was though, after almost thirty years, the daddy still has that quilt. He never allowed his son to use it and instead displayed it on the wall. He intends to give it to his son when he has his first child.
    Shit, Tikeetha! Why didn’t we take our masks off years ago? Well, I can answer my own question. We didn’t even know we were wearing them.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s exactly right. We didn’t know we were wearing them until they became too hard to wear. When it became to exhausting for us. I’m happy that the father kept the quilt for his son. That meant that he saw the beauty and value of what you had gifted to them. That’s pretty amazing.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I think I dropped my own mask the day I began growing my hair out naturally again – I look at my long dreadlocks now and think, “Damn – why didn’t I do that sooner?”

    Sometimes, self-acceptance is where it starts…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Masks are a terrible thing. We all wear them for varied reasons. For the reasons you listed here and more, I decided not to wear masks in any situation. It serves no one, really. In fact, I feel liberated.

    Liked by 1 person

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