Women Should Most Definitely Protect Men

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Recently, I asked a group of over 23,000 members (mostly women)… “Do you think you should protect your man/husband?” The major of responses were, “no..”  Or some round-about way of saying no such as, “That’s a man job.” I’ve asked this same question in other forums, and the answers were typically the same.
I’ve come to the conclusion that many women in the U.S. are socialized to believe that a man should protect her with no reciprocity. They are raised by their parents this way. Taught that a man should protect them, but not the other way around. Disney reinforced this idea with their films. From childhood, women have received over 20 plus years of subliminal messaging, telling them that men should to protect them. Whether it be a damsel in distress, knight in shining armor, rich man saves poor woman, Richard Gere saves Julia Roberts. The constant themes, and images of a man protecting a woman are abundant.

Various Form of Protection

  • Emotional
  • Mental
  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Financial

When we hear the word, “protection” or “protect” we automatically default to physical protection. Hence why so many women believe it’s only a man’s job to do the protecting.

Imagery

Every day, I look at imagery. For my blog, my personal photography work, and just for leisure. When I look at images of, “love, relationships and dating…” I typically see the man with his arms around the woman. I usually do not see the woman with her arms around the man.

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Now, before you get all up in your feelings about that last statement, understand, I do not have a problem with these images and what they portray. In fact I love them. I also understand (for photography purposes) that men are typically on average, so they stand behind the woman with their arms around her.
On the other hand, these images show a man protecting a woman, which in turn would make any girl believe that is the way it should be. A woman consistently in the position of, “the protected.” I am here to tell you, a woman should protect her man/husband as well.

So How Do You Protect Him?

His reputation

We all have a reputation to uphold. Whenever someone tries to “come for him” or taint his name, a woman should help protect that reputation. Women can see things we can’t see… this also why your protection is essential.

Guard his feelings

This is a big one. From childhood, expression of feelings is something most men are just not taught. We were taught to be aggressive, told we shouldn’t cry, show no pain, or fear, and destroy your opponent. So, the one place we should feel comfortable expressing ourselves is with our woman/wife. I’ve been in many social settings (and groups) and when a man begins to express himself, he’s talked-over, talked-for, or simply told he’s complaining. I’ve seen women make jokes about men when they express themselves. Utter emasculation in public. If a man feels as though a woman doesn’t value his feelings, he will shut down and become emotionally unavailable.

Guard his heart…

…from the demons that would do him harm. I’m a firm believer in spirituality, negative forces, and negative energy. When I tell you, that the minute I’m on track, focused, and headed in the right direction, here comes a dozen different distractions, obstacles, and people to divert my attention.  My eyes and mind are always open, and aware of the negative people, and things that effect me in an adverse way.

  • A woman can see another woman who intends to hurt her man, and stop said woman dead in her tracks.
  • A woman could see something her man is doing where he could hurt himself, or his career (that’s protection).
  • Holding your man accountable for his actions is protection.

Protect him with your love

Surround him with it. Men don’t feel love from many places (especially black men)… we feel more hatred, fear and disdain than anything when we’re out in the world. The love we feel comes from family, and most of all our woman/wife. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I came home and felt lower than dirt from getting beat up all day (emotionally) and my woman would put her arms around me and protect me from the demons that were invading my mind telling me I couldn’t do it (give up). The love of my woman was like an extra barrier against those that would do me harm, or hurt me. Her love and support kept me focused and got me back on task when I felt inadequate.

Pray For Him

In an article about “4 Ways To Protect Your Husband… ”  Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says:

Another great way to protect your husband is through prayer. There is no greater protector than God. Pray for your husband and with your husband. His life, his choices and his spirit all need to be lifted up constantly. You can pray that in his role as husband he always feels loved and supported. Also ask God to provide you with all you need to protect your husband as well.

As you can see, you should protect your man. Stop letting society, the way your parents taught you, or girlfriends told you, dictate what’s right, and what’s needed in your relationship.

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Dating Chronicles: My Story

In anticipation of gaining 1,500 WordPress followers in the next week, I wanted to share my stories to the new ones and those that didn’t know me before I met Mr. C. I had some real issues finding love. There were too many characters and I have to tell you that on-line dating can work.

Once you give it a chance, move out of your own way and be diligent in keeping your boundaries and eliminating waste from your in box, you can find love.  As was the case with me. But, the journey to find love is sometimes a slow moving one whereby I stumbled and fell hard for a man that just wasn’t in to me. Not a bad man.

Just not the man for me. The thing is that when you wake up from your erotic haze of happiness you start to see a person for who they really are. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the best parts of you to be with a person.

When you run into a man that is not being honest or not wanting what you are giving, accept it and move on. Stop letting passion dictate your decisions. Stop playing yourself.

One of my Facebook friends, MB, posted this last month:

Dear WOMAN,
He’s going to come. The one who’s going to make you feel like everyone else was just practice. He’ll love your mind first..heart second..& your body always. He’ll prove to you trust isn’t just a word..that love isn’t just a feeling — but will you be ready? There is nothing worse than having a king on your doorstep, while your in bed with & entertaining a joker!! #realtalk#lemmeblessaWOMANrightnow #bewhatuseek

No truer words right? She spoke the truth about me and probably many of you that day and the fact that I saw it prompted me to share with you how I was doing just that. Entertaining jokers when a king was on my door step.

I hope you enjoy my 3 part series. Thank you for following me. Thank you for reading me and thank you for inspiring me. Welcome to my world!

 

Want to keep in touch? You can find me on social media at the following links: Twitter @mskeeinmd, Facebook page A Thomas Point of View and my Instagram page https://www.instagram.com/mskeeinmd/.

No, I didn’t really mean that

I’m famous for saying things that I really don’t mean. Why? Trying to be nice. Trying to people please. Trying to say what is expected even if I don’t feel it.

Let me give you some examples of the things I say that I don’t really mean…

Oh, your baby is absolutely gorgeous

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Umm, not. Your baby is not that attractive. Society says that I must say something nice so I tend to remember that I have class and will lie if your baby is unattractive. Why? Because everyone wants validation that their kid is gorgeous even if they are not. It’s true.

When someone shows me a picture of them years ago and say how they were sexy when they were younger. I reply “Yes, you had it going on. You were probably a heart breaker right?”

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Umm, not at all. You were not remotely attractive and I’m mad that you would force me to lie to you about your looks. What is the big deal? Do you really need validation at your age of your attractiveness?

How about my desire to workout? I hate working out. It’s necessary, but it is still something I don’t enjoy. I have to force myself into doing it.

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But, when I asked, I will always feel the need to be positive and motivating. Why? I don’t know. Working out sucks. You still need to do it. But, it still sucks. Do you know how hard it is to stay motivated? Ugh!

Finally, when dating. I would always try to find a nice way to let people down. Some didn’t deserve it. But, I always wanted to be the nice one. You know? I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

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Don’t judge me. You know you probably do or are doing some of the same things.

To Pay or Not to Pay – Part 2

This is a continuation from my post yesterday entitled To Pay or Not to Pay

 

Relationships are a partnership ladies. We can’t be partners if we’re not willing to show up and act like it in the dating stages. It’s true. Men want women they can depend on.

What’s wrong with cooking him a dinner? Some of you may be asking that question right now. Nothing is wrong with cooking him a dinner. However, I have a major rule when dating…unless we are serious, you will not be invited to my home. There, I said it. I don’t want men that are not serious in my home. The home that I share with my son whether he is there or not.

Heck, I’ve dated men upwards of a year and they’ve never been invited over. So, why would you invite him to your home unless you’re serious? Times have changed and we shouldn’t be eager to letting a man spend time in our domiciles that we haven’t committed to.

I asked one of my two best friends (he’s a male) what do men think of women who don’t ever offer to pay for anything while dating? He responded, “We think of her as selfish and don’t continue to date her seriously.” He further said, “Unless, I’m trying to get the cookies from her she is not going to get too many free meals and then after I get them I will be gone.”

He then said, “T, believe it or not hood chicks (women from lower class neighborhoods with a less than stellar vocabulary, quick tempered, has a child(ren) and may be employed) will pay for a meal and cater to her man quicker than ya’ll professional women. Professional women tend to be stingy and don’t want to pay for anything. They think we should wine and dine them for at least 90 days without getting any cookie.

Now, the obvious thought is why on earth is my best friend just dating women to have sex with him, but I started thinking maybe there is some truth in what he was saying about the differences of the type of women.  Are more professional women single because we appear selfish? Are we allowing our true intentions to go unnoticed because we refuse to look at dating as a partnership?

I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. I know that dating is expensive. In this day and age can a man can’t be expected to date you continuously and seriously for a long time without you ever offering to pay for anything? I don’t think we should consistently pay, but we should ask ourselves is paying for an occasional meal the end of the world? Will it be the death of us?

In this economy, is it realistic to assume that a man can pay to date you on a weekly basis? Ya’ll know that I like numbers right? So, let’s do some quick math. In the Washington, DC area (where I live) most places that I expect to eat will average $100 for dinner and drinks. If I go out with a man once a week is it fair for him to pay $400 a month and still be expected to pay his bills? What if he has children? What would you do with an extra $400 a month?

How will you show that man that you’re interested in more than what he can do for you financially? Mr. C pays for the majority of our dates (95%), but I don’t mind paying for things. My willingness to share in this journey we’re taking has proven to him that I like the partnership. He’s a gentleman. It’s been six months of meals, drinks and adventures and nope I’m not giving up my cookies.  We look at it as an investment in getting to know each other.

 

On-line Dating in 2016 is Still the Same

It’s 2016 and I happened to go and visit my dating profile that is still active (I paid for it through March) and see what the New Year brought. You know what it brought? The same foolishness that happened in 2015. Here is a recap of the latest:

The lesbian who says she’s a male to get women. Look, I don’t judge anyone’s lifestyle. Everyone needs love and I’m all for love. However, I’m not interested in women. I clearly indicate that I’m interested in men. Thank you for the compliment boo, but I’ll pass. Good luck on your search and stop lying about your gender to search for women who are looking for men. Better yet, I’m sure that there are dating websites designed for those looking for same-sex relationships.

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The old dude who says he’s 48. Please stop lying! Your profile picture leads me to believe that you’re about 66. You should find more flattering pictures to make folks believe that you’re 48 or date within your age group. There is nothing wrong with 66, but I have no desire to engage in geriatric love at this stage in my life. If my 7-year-old can out run you then “Houston, we have a problem”. Good luck on your search old man!

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The man who shows his hand too quickly. Yeah, you man! You are pressed. Really? You would work hard to keep my beautiful smile on my face? How do you know that I’m not a boring psychopath with an engaging smile? You don’t. In the beginning of getting to know me, never show me your full hand. It’s a game of poker and you think I’m going to let you win with compliments? Nope. But, I will give you points for the ball head. I am a sucker for a man with a ball head. Good luck boo!

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Yep, so not much has changed in on-line dating in 2016. For those of you who want to venture into on-line dating I will tell you that it gets exhausting and you have to be able to have a sense of humor. Why? Because some of the foolishness you will encounter will make you think that you’re being punked.

Good luck dating!

Dating Chronicles: Last Month’s Misses

So, I really haven’t been checking my on-line dating profiles because the foolishness has gotten me down and I refuse to be depressed leading into the holidays. But, I wanted to share the posts of people that I just couldn’t respond to because it was obvious that we had nothing in common.

Like this one. Two things…using a term of endearment like we’ve met, talked or even know each other bothers the heck out of me. Second, who says that you like my complexion? Really? I was done.

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Oh, and these body posing photos didn’t help either. Why are you flexing? This is a no-flex zone dude. I get it, you’re proud of your body, but you won’t catch me sending any photos of my belly that carried my son.

I would probably feel too much pressure to date someone this physically fit. I couldn’t imagine him watching me eat and saying “You know that isn’t healthy right?” “Heck yea! But I’m practicing mindful eating.” Which translates to you not minding what the heck I eat. I’ll do that sir!

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Or how about this one? Your username is littlelipsXXXX and you actually have little lips? EWWW! I was reminded of little arms and I don’t like little arms or little lips. Sorry, but they really freak me out!

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Yep, I can’t. Why can’t men stay in their lane? Not sure what your lane is? This gentleman that I follow on Facebook talks about staying in your lane. Please watch the short video so you know who is in your lane.

Ah, the joys of dating!

Dating Chronicles: Know Your Opponent

“Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.”
Sun Tzu, The Art of War

 

Dating is like war. Really it is. You have to know your opponent. But let’s be real, many men are doing the same predictable things and not taking advantage of the vast opportunity to know the women that they are engaging. This happens a lot with on-line dating. My friend said that is because if their “game” works on 7 out of 10 women men are happy with those odds. Thus the reason that we get penis pics. Ugh!

However, I want a man that actually reads my profile and will engage in a discourse that makes me believe that he is intelligent, knows what he wants and is financially secure. I want someone who learns his opponent (me). If not, then our time will be limited as I exit stage left looking for a good bottle of Pinot.

What do you need to know? A lot, but you have to approach dating like a game. A game in which you try to discern your opponents strengths and weakness, their likes and dislikes and genuinely get to know whether or not you two can be a match.

Here are some tips:

  1. Know yourself. Really know yourself. If you are unattractive and would be rated on a scale of 1-10 as a 2 then you should not try to go after a 10. Now, this is serious. I’m not saying that I’m a 10. I would say a 7. Some men have said an 8, but whatever! The point is this…I’m reasonable about my number and what I look like. If you are unattractive and have had less than 20 dates in your entire life and you are 40 then a woman who looks like a 10 is probably out of your league. Stay in your lane sir.
  2. If you are bold enough to write a dating profile and list your salary, please make sure that the salary is something a woman at 40 or older would be interested in. I’m a 40 year old mother of one. If you make $35,000 a year, honestly what are the chances that you can afford to date me? I’m not talking about dates at Morton’s Steakhouse, but heck TGI Friday’s can be expensive if you’re only making $35,000. A couple of drinks and a meal and a tip of at least 18% could run you $70.00. Can you afford that? Nope, then move on. I’m not a Netflix and Chill kinda woman.
  3. If you are doing on-line dating, PLEASE complete a profile. It only takes a couple of sentences, but if you can’t take the time to tell me about yourself, why would I reach out to you and try to get to know you? Something is definitely better than nothing. Do you like dogs, cats or gerbils? Are you employed or not? Ugh! This is so frustrating.

Okay, that’s all I have for today, but trust me that I’m trying to save you. I want you all (me included) to find a great person that you can envision a future with. Someone who gets you, appreciates you and can afford to date you.

“You have to believe in yourself. ”
Sun Tzu

 

Example 1: His salary is definitely a no-no. If you are bold enough to put a number out there then be bold enough to realized that I won’t reply. You may not be able to afford to date me and I don’t have time to find out is that true.

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Example 2: I don’t smoke. Don’t like smokers and would never date someone who smoked daily and wasted that kind of money on cigarettes. Bad habit. Also, he didn’t say anything about himself or the type of person he’s looking for.

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Example 3: I don’t need a pen pal! Really? You live in Arizona which is across the country. He’s looking for cross country tail. I’m not giving so keep your out of state (sexy though) self in Arizona. Oh, he also didn’t tell me anything about himself.

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Ah, the joys of dating!

The Lost Art of Courting

A couple of days ago I posted a piece about Dating vs. Hooking Up and what that was like. Now, I want to focus on the art of courtship. I’m from the south. Yeah, Tennessee! A small town in fact. I was raised with all kind of rules and regulations about the things that southern ladies don’t do. But, somewhere along the line, we have seemingly lost our ways in continuing this tradition. Why and how did this happen?

Some may blame it on reality TV, social media or the news, but is that really accurate? Can’t we still teach our young lady and men etiquette by utilizing the technology we have today? Can’t we educate them on the importance of courting before doing the “hook-up”? How about creating hashtags called #courting, #wooyou, #nohookups or is that a pipe dream? Everytime someone did one of these things, you would hashtag it on social media. It could create a firestorm of getting back to the basics of dating. What’s the rush? Why not want to take your time and get to know people before rushing into something to only find out that the person is not the one for you? Wouldn’t it be simplier to just take a stroll hand in hand down by the harbor instead of going to Morton’s? How about ice cream after a friendly game of basketball? Have men and women lost their ability to be simple and take time courting each other before going out to expensive restaurants with dessert (aka sex) at home?

A couple of days ago, I got into a very friendly and informative back and forth discussion with a gentleman about the problems with black men and black women when it comes to dating. Some things are universal regardless of race. Both men and women want decent people that they enjoy spending time with that are loyal, honest, respectful, etc. You can add more to your list. But, what we discovered in our own conversations that there are a lot of things that men and women both do in the dating process that has created a culture of hook-ups and not courting. Men have lost the art of courting and women don’t know how to be courted.

Courting as a verb is defined as “to seek the affections of; woo”. So, what does it mean to woo someone? Woo is defined as “to seek the favor, affection, or love of, especially with a view to marriage.” Now, that we are all clear on the definitions, can someone please tell me how we lost the art of courting someone and began hooking up? How is a hook up ever going to lead to marriage? If marriage is not your final destination, what is so good about a hook-up? Isn’t that one tracked mentality destroying us as women and men?

When Steve Harvey’s book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” hit shelves in January 2009, women were suddenly awakened to all the things they were doing wrong and how men react. Now, I’m not judging the opinions of Steve’s assertions or suggestions, but some of the fundamental lessons were taught to me by my mother and grandmother before I even knew who Steve was. All of this information wasn’t new. But, now that a man was reaffirming these lessons, it must be true. What happened to using common sense ladies? All men or women weren’t created equally, but did we somehow lose the ability to think for ourselves?

I will keep saying it: courting takes time. Slow things down. Be simple and stop hooking up. Let’s go back to respecting each other and having morals when it comes to dating. Let’s be respectful, honest and of good character. Courting is a symbiotic relationship between two people and it doesn’t mean that the man has to spend all of his money dating you to figure out whether or not you’re good enough. Cheap dates, walks and exercise are great ways to tell if the person is someone you would like to even see on a regular basis. Find ways to court without the drama of hooking up. We’re too old to be “hooking up” anyway.

Oh and for all you men out here who think you know what the majority of women want, here’s the truth:

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