Ladies – Do You Groom?

I’m not talking in general, but specifically when you go to the gynecologist. Do you groom your body before a pap smear or gynecologist exam? I mean I can’t be the only woman who thinks it is important when heading to the gynecologist to make sure that my pedicure is fresh and everything else from the top to body is as well.

I only book early morning appointments if I can help it. I also make sure that my legs are shaved, my feet finely shaped and no hammer toes or cracked skin. Yep, I still lotion my body from head to toe. I don’t use spray in between my legs because I don’t want it to mess up any cultures or exam. However, I refuse to let myself look like I just woke up and came out when someone is between my legs.

Especially a medical professional.

I had my exam yesterday with one of the male doctors in the practice and I swear he gets cuter every year. He’s not even 40 yet. This man diagnosed me 9 years ago with preeclampsia and he was only 31. He circumcised my son and has been a vital part of my medical history for the last 9 years since I arrived at the practice.

There is never awkwardness between my gynecologist and I. Great conversation and sincere concern about my health. He’s given me great advice on my weight loss and overall health. He’s also pretty hot.

He told me when he finished looking in between my legs that he liked my red toe nail polish. He noticed. Aww, it was the little things.

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Powerball is the Work of the Devil

Okay, now that I have your attention… Let me just say that the Powerball is the work of the devil.

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Powerball phenomenon has captured this country’s time, attention and in some cases intelligence. Everyone is running out to stand in line to buy tickets, planning their “I’m rich b**ch quit speech” and how they are going to help folks once they win. Why? We all know that the odds of winning are one in 292 million.

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That’s one in freaking 292 million! 

Let me give it to you further…

Because mathematically the odds aren’t in your favor and you won’t be able to solve poverty no matter who says so. See this picture circulating on Facebook? People are literally trying to justify the need for the Powerball.

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By giving you “mathematical” reasoning on how we could end poverty. Don’t fall for it people! Still not convinced that you can end poverty with the Powerball winnings? Then you my friend need to go back to school. Why?

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You may get close in your number choices and think “Please Sweet Baby Jesus” just let me win. You won’t. You will look down at your ticket and think dang “I was close”

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But, you can dream right? There’s nothing wrong with dreaming of winning.

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If you should choose to partake of this mania, do so with a positive attitude…

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Whew! Ya’ll taking this too seriously. So, look at your losing ticket and calmly stare at it for hours trying to rationalize your loss…

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Accept it and move on. But, before you do…PLEASE make sure you delete your “I quit because I’m rich b**ch” text or video that you planned to send to your boss tonight.

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Good luck!

I Need You to Fund Me

I want a Michael Kors handbag. This bag specifically…

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This bag is only $358.00 from Macy’s. Oh, it’s in my favorite color. I’m 40 now and I think I should have this bag. I would carry it everywhere for at least 3 months. It would look good with my blue pumps or my black moto jacket.

I can’t afford it, but I still want it. What can I do?

Oh, I know…

I’m going to create a Go Fund Me account and send it to my friends. You know about Go Fund Me right? It’s the number one personal fundraising website. Everyone sets up a go fund me account. Random Facebook friends, bloggers I don’t know or people I see on television who don’t have enough money to send their kids to camp, travel to Australia, save your home from foreclosure or help to pay for your dog’s medical expenses.

It’s kind of weird though…some of the requests. Some are sad. Some are humbling. But, if you can ask strangers to pay your mortgage, why can’t I ask you to give me a handbag? I know it doesn’t seem practical or that I should ask my friends, family or random folks for help funding my bag, but I think I should. I would put it under the category called Dreams, Hopes and Wishes. I dream hope and wish to have this blue Michael Kors Handbag.

So, you know what? I’m going to create a Go Fund Me account.

Here’s what I said:

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If you would like to donate to my need for this Michael Kors bag, please feel free to donate. All money collected will allow me to look fierce this spring/summer.  Check it out:  My Go Fund Me Page

Love you dolls!

(Please note that this is a satirical piece. I’m not requesting donations for a handbag.)

Fat Jokes

So, last week I had the pleasure of going to drink at an establishment where my girlfriend was the bartender for the night. The bar was small, but nice. They had a comedy show whereby local comedians were featured. As I settled onto my bar stool with my drink I was immediately captivated by the talent of a black woman about my age and rocking a beautiful African head-wrap. Sister was funny. She was bringing the jokes and I was feeling the pain from laughing so hard.

But, she lost me. Why? She started to talk about how she’s 40 and never been married and doesn’t have kids. She remarked about how she is attractive and that she seems to be entering the dating field at the wrong time. For example, when skinny is in she’s considered too fat or when fat girls are in she’s considered too skinny. Apparently she had it rough (insert snarky smile). As she progressed through her routine she said that she was watching Discovery Health one day and it depressed the heck out of her. Why? Because she saw two women who were both married to attractive men with children.

The first woman had no legs and was pregnant. She mused, “I mean, why can’t I find an attractive husband and get pregnant. I have legs. What’s the problem?” She inquired. She said that a friend had told her that the legless woman can outperform her in the bedroom (too much for this post). Everyone laughed. Now disabled people are humorous? She then said there was a show about a 692 fat woman who was married to an attractive man and she couldn’t understand how she could get a husband and she can’t. What was up with that? Everyone laughed imagining this situation because the comedian couldn’t have weighed more than 160 pounds herself and was attractive.

She told a few more jokes and got off the stage. A few more comedians came up to do their act and I realized a theme forming in my brain…Fat jokes. Men and women both think that joking about fat women is funny (not even fat men). They all wondered how fat women can find attractive husbands, boyfriends or even date because we’re so busy being fat and eating.

Now, check it! I get that they were just jokes but as the only curvy sister in the establishment they were all looking at me and saying, “Not you sister” as I was giving them the side-eye that their jokes weren’t funny. I am a plus size princess, a curvy cutie and a full-figured feminist so how do the fat jokes don’t apply to me? Because I’m not big enough like the women you are referring too?

Man, kick rocks with that kind of backwards thinking. I asked my boy who was with me why did they do that? He said, “They’re just jokes. All fat women want to be skinny. Look at Monique.” Really? WTH! I was outraged at his insensitivity to the issues that big women face and I said, “Not all women want to be skinny and Monique didn’t. She wanted to be healthy and she’s not skinny.”

I guess I’m disappointed that we still can’t find humor about real-life things instead of picking on me and my plus sized sisters. I just wish that a true comedian would develop their craft by finding other topics. I mean fat girls like me like comedy shows and you just might have to spend your routine looking away when I give you the side eye when you make fat girl jokes. I’m not ashamed of my size and not everyone wants to be skinny. Just healthy.

My two cents…find other things to make us laugh such as politics, sex and religion. You would offend a lot more people instead of one group. I’m just saying.

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Education Chronicles: First Day of School

It’s that time again and munch is headed to first grade. I’m not as weepy and depressed as I was last year. (I cried for almost a month). I have assimilated into being one of those annoying parents who can’t wait for school to start because I’ve run out of ideas, activities or money for the rest of the summer. I loved his teacher last year and I’m hoping that I will love his new teacher. By all accounts, the parents that have had her said she is compassionate, a great teacher, but really serious and never laughs. Ahem, I will make sure not to break out my comedy routine during our parent/teacher conferences. LOL.

So, I decided to share some “Lessons Learned” for parents who are releasing their children into kindergarten for the first time ever or for those who are enrolling their children in an immersion program.

▪ It’s okay to cry the first day of school AFTER you drop the child off and they can’t see you. Be strong and know that they will be fine. Your reaction is what they will emulate. Play it cool and fist bump them out the door when you drop them at their classroom.

▪ Read all paperwork daily and sign the daily or weekly progress card from the teacher. Teachers don’t just fill out paperwork for their health. They truly want you to know what’s going on with your child and in the classroom. They are only one leg of the education stool.

▪ Buy school supplies. I am adamant about being able to purchase the things that my son needs for school. I hate when teachers have to spend their own money for school supplies or beg the parents to please purchase paper, crayons or pencils. Go to the dollar store. It’s not the cost of the item, just the fact that children should have them. If you can’t afford them, please look in your local newspaper to find out about organizations that do Back-to-School drives. A lot of the bags include school supplies.

▪ Talk to the teacher and get their contact information. Find out what their philosophy is on education and what they expect from both the students and parents.

▪ Attend back to school night and all parent/teacher conferences. Make time to show up and be present in your child’s educational activities.

▪ If they are in an immersion program and you don’t speak the language…Relax! Understand that it is a process and your child will get it. One thing I realized is that the school is teaching munch to read in French and I needed to teach him how to read in English, so this summer we spent time reading books. He’s not completely reading on his own, but he can read a lot of words and sounds out those he doesn’t know. He also asks questions for difficult words.

▪ Reinforce what is learned in class. Math skills, reading, science or PE. Spend time reinforcing the lessons learned.

I think that’s it, but if you think of some other things, please feel free to add them to the comments. Also, check out some of these great first grade photos of my love.

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When Can We Hook Up?

Apparently, dating has changed in the 14 plus years since I entered the realm. I wasn’t really a dater prior to my marriage, but I definitely think I can pass now that I’m at the end of it. I don’t like dating. But, apparently a lot of men don’t either. What ever happened to chivalry, manners and just plain respecting women when asking them out? I have heard it all:

-When can you and I hook up?
-When can I come over?
-When can I see you?
-Are you available anytime?

My responses have been as such:

-Are you asking me on a date or for something inappropriate?
-Never. I don’t invite strange men to a home that I share with my child.
-Are you asking me on a date? Give me a couple of dates, times and locations and we can make a plan to meet.
-Nope, I’m a mother and my son is my first priority. Again, provide a couple of dates, times and locations and we can try and get together.

When sharing my frustrations with my girls, I realized that I’m not alone. A lot of women are frustrated with the lack of just plain common sense when it comes to dating. They don’t know how to ask you on a date and they assume that a couple of meals means sex. Umm, no. One of my girlfriends posted this to my Facebook page the other day:

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How appropriate and right on time right? Just this weekend a gentleman asked me “When can I see you?” I responded, “Are you asking me on a date? Be direct and pick a couple of dates and locations and then I can respond.” He said, “Okay”. However, when we talked later his response was maybe Friday or Saturday. I don’t want to make plans and then something comes up and we have to cancel. I responded…”Okay, I hear you and that’s fine. However, I will say this…if I should make plans with someone else on either days and you call me the day of, the answer will be no. You snooze you loose.” He said, “Okay, I understand. I will call you later on this evening and set something up.”

He never called and it didn’t bother me, it just reminded me of something that I always say. I have morals. I have values and I am not like other women you may encounter. I don’t do hook-ups and I don’t mind paying for my own meal if things don’t work out. I know who I am and I know my worth. I want friendship and humor. Nothing more, nothing less. I am not willing to accept anything I don’t deem valuable. So, if you should encounter me on this road and we travel for a moment and you don’t seem to be riding next to me, I will politely say, “Thank you for the time we have spent traveling on this road, but I’m going to exit to the right while you go left. Peace.” Simple, but accurate because in the end, this post describes me perfectly…

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